It's not going to stop, til you wise up.*

I'm afraid I have been really bad about writing on this blog.  It's not that my life has been boring, on the contrary, life has been exceptionally busy.  I am still looking for the hand of the Lord in my life each day and some days are harder than others.  Maybe I will share a few of them on here. 

Life has been pretty difficult the last two weeks.  People have passed away, been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and gotten severely injured in car accidents. All of that on top of everything else that has become the normal craziness of my life and sometimes I feel like I just can't take one more piece of bad news. 

I don't like to throw pity parties, especially on the blog, so trust me, that's not what I am trying to do here.  I just need it to be said because I don't really know how else to express myself.  I've never done well with bad news, I don't know what to do for people, I don't know what to say.  I know how I feel and I'm used to bottling it up or doing whatever I can to ignore it.  This is how I deal with things and honestly, I don't see anything wrong with it.  When someone passes away, I have my testimony in the gospel and where we go after this life.  I think a lot of my sadness is intitally thinking of what they will miss out on, because to me that's all I see sometimes...this life.  But just as birth brings us to this stage of our existence, death carries us to the next. That's something I need to remember, it's just hard when people actually make that "transition". 

This morning, I found out that one of my best friends got a job offer in Florida.  He's been interviewing with so many different places that when the interviews with this place kept going well, I didn't think much of it.  I was certain he wouldn't be going anywhere.  I told him once that he was sent to Virginia to take care of me, because he moved here at a time when I needed someone the most and at a time when I felt that I was all alone.  He helped me to heal from heartache and he helped me to move past the insecurities that are the scar tissue of heartache.  We had talked a few weeks ago about how he couldn't figure out why he was in VA and I reminded him that it was for me and he said, "tell the Lord you're fixed and it's time for me to find a purpose" (that sounds harsher than it is - but it was not).  I am happy for him, I'm just tired of losing people.

Two weeks ago there was a ward activity.  I was having a really rough morning (I can't even remember why) and I was debating not going to the activity but some friends talked me in to going and I figured it was worth a shot.  Almost instantly I was put in a better mood by the girl who sat in the back seat with me as we rode to the river.  I was able to spend time with some friends I haven't really been able to sit down and talk with for a while and that evening, as we were driving back, I received a random text from one of my boys just telling me how great he thought I was (which made me cry because I needed something like that at that time).  Even with all of this though, I ended the night feeling just as strange and out of place as before and I cried a lot because even though I couldn't put my finger on it, I knew I was sad about something.  I learned something that day though that I wrote in my actual journal, it was that even on days when we don't think we could possibly see the Lord's hand in our Life, it is there.  The Lord is there even on the bad days though it is harder to see Him.  There's a quote from Maxwell that I like, "Selfish people are forever taking their own temperature, asking themselves, "Am I happy?" Our eternal happiness is insured, if we keep the commandments."  We will not always be happy, fun and fancy free, there will be times when we are sad, when we feel lonely, when things just don't go as we would like them - that's mortality.  But our eternal happiness is insured, we just need to hang on.

Little did I know that by realizing this, it was also the Lord's hand to prepare me for the two weeks that followed.  Life has been emotionally, mentally, and physically draining since then but I have continued to see the good that there is.  Not in the instant I receive the bad news, but I am getting quicker about stopping and thinking where the Lord is.  Whether it's to remind me not to have hurt feelings, or that death is not an end, or that letting someone go doesn't mean giving up love but making room for more.

I'm still sad and crying, but I know deep down that things are going to be okay.  No matter how dark or lonely things get, they always end up being ok so I have no reason to doubt.


Do not let the shadows convince you there is no light.



I mean, this is unreal. They're gonna start eating each other out there. *

Blog Bucks: Congrats to Kathryn and G-Sauce!



I love conversations with my familt.  Here are the gems from this past Sunday, warning, they will make my family seem

Olivia and I were playing with Kathryn's phone and we accidentally turned some music on.

Kathryn: What is that crap?

Me: Music from your phone.

Joanna: Don't say crap in front of my kids!

Enter Tommy (Joanna's youngest boy) he has put pieces of a toy on all ten of his fingers.

Tommy: Everyone! I'm no longer Tommy, I'm bitch fingers!

An awkward silence falls over the crowd followed by laughter.

Martha: (to Joanna) What was that you were saying about not saying "crap" in front of your kids?

For the record, Joanna tried to figure out what Tommy meant to say, we think it was pitch fingers - but she compromised with him and he is now Hulk Fingers.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't even remember how this conversation got started. Oh wait - there was a stuffed animal, a moose, and there was a cut down the center of his head so that you could see his little fluffy brains.

Samantha: Careful, thats the first sign of a seriel killer

Me: That's real animals, Samantha, not stuffed animals.

Kathryn: Don't get Jessica started on Sociopaths.

Samantha: What is a Sociopath?

Me: Someone who doesn't feel guilt

Mom: (the same time as me to Samantha) You and your brother.

Somehow it comes about that mom has known this for a while.

Samantha: (to mom) You've known I was one since I was little? Why didn't you do something?

Mom: Like what? Drown you in the tub?

His first name is Agent.*

I think I hate myself.  Here's why I think I so:

1) I decided last week that I was going to give up sugar 6 out of 7 days of the week.  I realized that with all the stress in my life I was eating sugar like crazy....like crazy.  I had sugar at my desk, I would eat sugar when I got home, I would eat sugar after dinner, I even started to eat sugar in the mornings...for breakfast.  Not straight sugar...things like cakes, cookies, ice cream, Amish friendship bread (that was what I allowed myself to eat for breakfast at least 3 days last week).  You know - now that I am writing it out, maybe eating all that sugar meant I hated myself.  I decided to do 6 out of 7 days because I feel I can do anything for 6 days.  I can delay eating sugar if I know that on Sunday I can eat whatever I want.

So I woke up Monday with the determination to not eat OBVIOUS sugar (several people have given me grief about eating bread and pasta and anything else that might have sugar in it - I am just cutting out cookies, candy, cakes, ice cream, etc.)  Monday evening I almost let myself have a bowl of Captain Crunch for dessert because I figured sugary cereal is better than ice-cream or cake right?  But I told myself that would be cheating and didn't do it.  I must say (and I'll probably regret this) that it hasn't been too difficult.  I think yesterday was when it might have been the worst - I finished lunch and looked around for something sweet and then I remembered I'm not doing that...not even a sugar free mint! 

Negatives:

• I'm not eating sugar - so when people offer me some, even if it's something I love and rarely eat, I have to say 'no'
• I'm not eating sugar...the love of my life...

Positives:

• I don't feel as hungry throughout the day - before I was just always hungry all the time, but now I look at the clock and realize I made it all the way to 11 without a snack.
• I've lost two pounds (I know this won't continue unless I throw in more cardiovascular stuff).
• It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be.  I didn't go through withdrawal and I am drinking more water when I think I am hungry. 
• It will probably save me money at the grocery store - I haven't gone shopping yet, so we will see.

2) The second reason I think I might hate myself is that I have signed up for the half marathon again! Again people! I blame a guy at work who walked by my desk this morning and said, "So are you going to run the half marathon again?"  I told him how I have done a good job of talking myself out of it up to this point and how I've been using my ankle as an excuse (cause it feels funny after all sports - but it doesn't hurt - except this past Wednesday).  But we got talking about it and I realized I wanted the challenge of running the half marathon with my still fat ankle.  What is wrong with me? 

Of course I love bananas, I'm a monkey! Don't be ridiculous!*

Blog Bucks: Congratulations to G-Sauce, Murbaton, and Sarah! I love Indiana Jones too!

January - 4

February - 3

March - 4

April -2

May - 2 (+1)

June - 4

Total = 20

 
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

Can I tell you how incredibly happy I was when I finally finished this book!?  I was incredibly happy!  I really thought that my trip to Utah would be long enough for me to finish a few books (two at least) - but when Atlas Shrugged is one of them, I guess that isn't an option.  I enjoyed this book, I saw some similarities to our day.  I wouldn't recommend this to someone who is looking for a light read, it is heavy, it is thick, and it is full of Ayn Rand's philosophy.  If you're ready for that challenge - have at it, I doubt you'll be disappointed, if not, move on to something else.  Oh - and I bought 5 books for under $30 the DAY I finished the book.  Hallelujah!

Dad Is Fat by Jim Gaffigan

So Comedians definitely make you laugh harder when you can hear their voice and inflection...and see their facial expressions.  I over all liked the book (3 stars on Goodreads) but I struggled through parts.  I am pretty certain that parents will find this book hilarious though because the parts I laughed hardest at were the parts where I related and was able to think about my nieces or nephews and how they behave.  I'm loaning it out to my sister (mother of 4) to see what she thinks.


The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams
Chilling.  This story follows a thirteen year old girl who has grown up in a polygamist community.   There are strict rules that she can't read, can't talk to outsiders, and she can't choose for herself who she can love.  When she is told that she has been chosen to marry her 60+ year old uncle, her family tries to get the decision changed, but they are afraid to disobey "the prophet'.  So she must find her own way.  I think this book was well written and has a prospective into a world that most of us do not know or understand.

Masque of the Red Death by Bethany Griffin

Uh - I loved this book.  I think the writer did a great job addressing her audience (teens...and me).  From what I have been learning about YA Fiction, the adults came across as helpless (either because of grief or fear of the Prince), the main character has to work through her own grief but also is charged with helping to save the city.  It was a good read, the writing was smooth and transitioned well and I don't recall any lulls.  I basically read this one in a day (I didn't intend to - but I couldn't put it down and was taking a "me" day anyway).  Can't wait to get and read the sequel. 
 

Snakes, why'd it have to be snakes?*.

I've been gone for a while.  I think I'm just losing the flare for blogging.  I'm sure after this kind of break I don't really have a lot of people actually reading.  Doesn't help that Google got read of the blog reader thing.  That sucks for me, I lived by that list.  It would remove the ones I've read so I could make sure to get them all in.  I'm using BlogLovin to keep track, but if anyone knows of something better, please let me know.

Anyway - life has been crazy busy.  I'm pretty much in a perpetual state of exhaustion.  I recently got back in to racquetball...I can't REALLY say I've gotten back in to it because that would imply I knew what I was doing the first time.  But I'm learning the rules and such.  What I'm really after is the enclosed room where I hit a ball with a racquet as hard as I can and then duck if it gets too dangerous.  It's a great way to get your frustration out.

I got another speeding tickets - that's exciting.  I go to court on the 24th.  I figure, if I can't remember the last time I went to Driving Improvement School maybe it's been the allotted amount of time - or maybe they forgot too.

Anyway - here are random pictures.



Happy belated 4th by the way.  My 4th kind of passed away in a fun, quiet way.  Spent some time with Jo and the kids in the morning, played some games at the boys' house and then a cookout. 

Yum-o

Ben - feeling the music

My boys (minus one) singing "Total Elclipse of the Heart"

Turn around bright eyes

Trying to sing a karaoke (first time ever) but the words didn't light up right and I was lost...hated it.

Playing with sparklers

The flash on my camera was so bright I couldn't keep my eyes open.



Ben showing us what not to do with sparklers