'Twas I, but 'tis not I

This past weekend (Easter weekend) we had an excellent General Conference.

I wanted to write a little on one talk in particular, that of Elder Dale Renlund, entitled Latter Day Saints Keep on Trying.  He began by quoting Nelson Mandela, “I’m no saint – that is, unless you think a saint is a sinner who keeps on trying.”

He then went on to quote from Shakespeare’s play, As You Like It. “’twas I, but ‘tis not I” Meaning, that’s who I was but no longer am. 

This touched me.  When I spoke at New Beginnings in March, our theme ‘we are all under construction’, reminded me how different the 2015 Lildonbro is from 2011 Lildonbro.  A lot of the struggles I went through in 2011 were self inflicted, the pain and sorrow I felt acted like a black hole sucking all the light and goodness from my life and I could not see the end, nor could I feel I deserved better than what I had.  I made a lot of mistakes as I tried to handle life my way instead of the Lord’s way.  I was obstinate to say the least.  I thought I knew what would make me happy, what would make my life more complete and I went for it, despite the still small whisperings that I had chosen incorrectly.  I couldn’t bear the thought of waiting any longer to move my life forward.  So I made things worse for myself.  That’s why it resonated with me when Elder Renlund said, “’Twas I, but ‘tis not I.”

Yes, I made mistakes.  Yes, I thought I had it figured out who I should marry and what I should do with my life.  And when that didn’t happen I let an irrepressible anger take control.  I have since learned to hand things to the Lord, including my anger.  I have learned that he can heal and sooth all the emotional hurts in this life.  The ones caused by others and even (maybe especially) the ones caused by my own decisions and actions. 

Elder Renlund says, “No failure ever need be final,” and I agree with him.  We get up when we fall, we forgive when we’re wronged, we seek forgiveness when we’re wrong, we hand over all the pains and sorrow to the Lord and let Him have them. And then we do it all over again, slowly climbing our way to perfection.  And it's all due to Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for us.  Elder Holland said it best in his talk on Sunday morning when he spoke of Easter and the Atonement, "Today we celebrate the gift of victory over every fall we've ever experienced, every sorrow we have ever known, every discouragement we have ever had, every fear we have ever faced."

So to all my blogger friends, Happy Belated Easter.  May we always remember that it is possible to be better than we are today because of Jesus Christ, our Savior.

You Fantastic Fish You.*

Sunday I had the opportunity to be home taught after church. We were all a bit unorganized and none of us had read the First Presidency message yet (normally we all try to read it beforehand). So our home teacher read the title "Peace, Be Still" and we went from there. It was probably one of my favorite times being home taught...ever. I don't know if it was because we were unprepared and therefore we were more open to discuss what was on our minds as it pertained to the title of the article, but whatever it was, I feel like I heard exactly what I needed to hear.


Our home teacher likes boats, so he was explaining how some boats work. Sadly, I can't remember the name of the part he was explaining (we’ll call it fin so that I don’t keep saying “random part I can’t remember”), but he said that most boats have it, and in some you can pull it up out of the water. When the fin is bigger, it makes the boat more buoyant and better able to handle when the waters get rough. If it is small, or pulled up, the boat has greater speed (I hope I’m remembering this right). Anyway, he then compared the boats to members of the church. He said that a convert (such as himself) comes in to the water and they have a small fin and are going quickly through the water, trying to learn all they can learn. Whereas someone who has been a member of the church all of their lives as a bigger fin, so they don’t move as quickly, but when the waters get rough, they are more anchored.

Then he asked each of us what we do when the waters get rough. I thought this was a poignant question, mostly because I have been going through a rough time. When he talked about “rough waters” I truly felt like that’s what my past week or so has been, rough waters. He asked me first (cause when he asks questions, Vivienne and I look at each other to see who should answer first and I typically end up answering first). I didn’t know how to answer him, because to be honest, I hadn’t felt that I had been as anchored as he thought I might have been. I first told him it was an excellent question, then told him how I loved the analogy, and then…I tried to think about what I do when the waters get rough. It was good for me to reflect on what my options are and what I had done. I told him honestly that often times I forget about all the support that the Lord offers; Home teachers, priesthood blessings, friends who understand, a loving bishop who wants us to be happy, prayer, scriptures, etc. Last week, my dear, sweet friend reminded me that Priesthood Blessings were an option. I was in Institute at the time, so right after class I asked Christian and Chris to give me a blessing. I needed peace, I needed direction, but I got much more. I find that the Lord does that a lot, I ask for something that I feel is big and more than enough for what I need, and he offers me more, because he knows I need more. It just takes the act of asking for the one thing, for opening yourself up for his counsel, and if you let him in, he’ll give you what is best for you.
I think sometimes the devil would have you believe that you are alone, that there is no one you can turn to, but the Lord offers so many ways to find comfort. I’m not saying this as someone who has figured it out, but rather someone still trying to figure it out. What do you do when you are feeling down, when you feel that you aren’t good enough or aren’t DOING enough? What do you do when you feel like you can’t fight these negative feelings, but you know you have to?

We had excellent talks on Sunday about healing. The first speaker quoted a BYU devotional from several years ago and the woman said, “We may pray for a cure, when what we require is healing.” The speaker explained that a cure is something that is almost instantaneous, while healing is a lifelong process. Just like with my ankle, I wish it would get better quickly and I could move on with life, but it’s been a long process and it’s still not all the way back to where it was. It will take more time, more work, more pain.

The first talk ended with a quote from Russell M. Nelson.

“Real joy awaits each of us – on the other side of sorrow.”

I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people rising from this abyss.*

Congratulations to Katie and C$ for getting the last post!  This bumped C$ up two places on the leader-board!

I grapple with a lot of things.  Recently it has been to let go and to be kind.  Sometimes my inability to let go of things turns into a big joke - like the fact that I still bring up the time when Kathryn inadvertently called my music 'crap', or back in '09 when I blamed Bryan for the demise of my favorite shoes because he pointed out that one had a hole in it (obviously I know that he did not cause the hole - but he brought it to my attention and therefore took the fall).  But recently, not letting go has been a burden and a hindrance to me.  I can't actually describe what it is I am holding on to - I guess just a myriad of things that I know I should let go. 

In fact - twice in one week, the Lord told me to let go.  The first time was the hardest because I was sitting in the temple, thinking about all the things I have loved and lost (or will lose soon), I'm not just talking about people but callings, wards, friends moving away, etc.  The thought came in to my mind that sometimes the Lord takes away what you love, not because he wants to be mean and not because he will take the love you have for it, but because now you are ready for more.  Now you have to try to love something new and different...and you will and when you do, you'll be better for it.  I guess this is my last year before a lot of change in my life and it's caused me to be reflective.  But I remember sitting in the temple and crying because I knew what this meant.  It wasn't actually about  letting go, because I was being forced to do that anyway, but accepting that it is right to let these things go.  Because it isn't losing, it's growing. 

The second time wasn't as hard but was far more personal for me.  I have been holding on to so many emotions lately, jumping from one to the next to help me deal with certain events from last year.  I've gone from anger to anxiety to sadness and back around in a crazy circle.  I don't know how to let go - and I prayed about this in the temple, just as I've been praying about it for months now.  Months with no answer - but that's okay.  Then that night I got my first answer.  Be kind. I was attending Institute in Texas and we were studying Elder Holland's "Laborers in the Vineyard" and he says, "Be kind, and be grateful that God is kind."  Ugh! Be kind!? Really!?  Really.  That was my completely unexpected answer to my long, repeated, question.  ...and it scares me to death.

Sounds silly, being scared to be kind, but being kind is a type of vulnerability that I question if I am ready for.  Just for the record, I don't have an issue being kind to everyone, it's in the context of the situation that it scares me.

A few days after that I had the confirmation that something I had been fighting against was right - it doesn't make it easier, this knowledge, in fact, it made me cry...a lot.  It's hard to realize that you were in the way, that you are wrong, and harder still to realize that you are the only one holding on to the hurt - and it's only hurting you worse.  I'm sorry I'm being so vague there - I would get more in to it - but well, it's personal.


The last time we had Stake Conference, our Stake President said, "Don't let perfection be the enemy of excellence."  How many times do we do this...How many times do I?  I just feel like I should have things right away.  I should forgive frankly, I should stop a bad habit at the snap of a finger, I should be able to read my scriptures and write in my journal every day because I decided I wanted to.  That's not how life works though, it's a process and I need to keep reminding myself of that.  Letting go and being kind are the same way.  Just because I know these are the things I should do - doesn't mean I'm going to get it all the time.  What counts is that I don't stop trying.

To finish (and I hope all of this makes sense to you) - I think it's important that we each have someone who will tell us how they see us.  We have blinders on when we look at our own progression.  We see the here and now and the fact that we still don't have it, but our friends can see the difference, they see us better than we see ourselves because their view of us isn't bogged down by the bombardment of negative thoughts thrust at us on a daily basis.  You may think you yell at your kids too much or can't get control of your road rage. You may think you are fat, unattractive, unwanted, or maybe like you don't do enough.  But the truth of it is, you are beautiful, you are important to the people in your life, and when you are grappling with things, when you are trying to be better, people are noticing, even if you think you are standing still.

So to echo the words of one of my people, "I know you are doing all you can and it may look and feel ugly and hopeless to you at times but that's why i tell you you are stunning because to me you provide hope."

Remember that - remember that there is someone who sees you and you inspire them.  And be sure to tell those who inspire you that they do so.  Something tells me that they need to hear that just as much as you do.