Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people rising from this abyss.*

Congratulations to Katie and C$ for getting the last post!  This bumped C$ up two places on the leader-board!

I grapple with a lot of things.  Recently it has been to let go and to be kind.  Sometimes my inability to let go of things turns into a big joke - like the fact that I still bring up the time when Kathryn inadvertently called my music 'crap', or back in '09 when I blamed Bryan for the demise of my favorite shoes because he pointed out that one had a hole in it (obviously I know that he did not cause the hole - but he brought it to my attention and therefore took the fall).  But recently, not letting go has been a burden and a hindrance to me.  I can't actually describe what it is I am holding on to - I guess just a myriad of things that I know I should let go. 

In fact - twice in one week, the Lord told me to let go.  The first time was the hardest because I was sitting in the temple, thinking about all the things I have loved and lost (or will lose soon), I'm not just talking about people but callings, wards, friends moving away, etc.  The thought came in to my mind that sometimes the Lord takes away what you love, not because he wants to be mean and not because he will take the love you have for it, but because now you are ready for more.  Now you have to try to love something new and different...and you will and when you do, you'll be better for it.  I guess this is my last year before a lot of change in my life and it's caused me to be reflective.  But I remember sitting in the temple and crying because I knew what this meant.  It wasn't actually about  letting go, because I was being forced to do that anyway, but accepting that it is right to let these things go.  Because it isn't losing, it's growing. 

The second time wasn't as hard but was far more personal for me.  I have been holding on to so many emotions lately, jumping from one to the next to help me deal with certain events from last year.  I've gone from anger to anxiety to sadness and back around in a crazy circle.  I don't know how to let go - and I prayed about this in the temple, just as I've been praying about it for months now.  Months with no answer - but that's okay.  Then that night I got my first answer.  Be kind. I was attending Institute in Texas and we were studying Elder Holland's "Laborers in the Vineyard" and he says, "Be kind, and be grateful that God is kind."  Ugh! Be kind!? Really!?  Really.  That was my completely unexpected answer to my long, repeated, question.  ...and it scares me to death.

Sounds silly, being scared to be kind, but being kind is a type of vulnerability that I question if I am ready for.  Just for the record, I don't have an issue being kind to everyone, it's in the context of the situation that it scares me.

A few days after that I had the confirmation that something I had been fighting against was right - it doesn't make it easier, this knowledge, in fact, it made me cry...a lot.  It's hard to realize that you were in the way, that you are wrong, and harder still to realize that you are the only one holding on to the hurt - and it's only hurting you worse.  I'm sorry I'm being so vague there - I would get more in to it - but well, it's personal.

The last time we had Stake Conference, our Stake President said, "Don't let perfection be the enemy of excellence."  How many times do we do this...How many times do I?  I just feel like I should have things right away.  I should forgive frankly, I should stop a bad habit at the snap of a finger, I should be able to read my scriptures and write in my journal every day because I decided I wanted to.  That's not how life works though, it's a process and I need to keep reminding myself of that.  Letting go and being kind are the same way.  Just because I know these are the things I should do - doesn't mean I'm going to get it all the time.  What counts is that I don't stop trying.

To finish (and I hope all of this makes sense to you) - I think it's important that we each have someone who will tell us how they see us.  We have blinders on when we look at our own progression.  We see the here and now and the fact that we still don't have it, but our friends can see the difference, they see us better than we see ourselves because their view of us isn't bogged down by the bombardment of negative thoughts thrust at us on a daily basis.  You may think you yell at your kids too much or can't get control of your road rage. You may think you are fat, unattractive, unwanted, or maybe like you don't do enough.  But the truth of it is, you are beautiful, you are important to the people in your life, and when you are grappling with things, when you are trying to be better, people are noticing, even if you think you are standing still.

So to echo the words of one of my people, "I know you are doing all you can and it may look and feel ugly and hopeless to you at times but that's why i tell you you are stunning because to me you provide hope."

Remember that - remember that there is someone who sees you and you inspire them.  And be sure to tell those who inspire you that they do so.  Something tells me that they need to hear that just as much as you do.


Amber Lanae- said...

*a tale of two cities

Beautiful Best Friend of Mine

This is one of the best things you have ever written. Maybe it's because it's not vague to me-maybe it's because it resonates deep within my own soul. Who really knows. But it's true. Something my bishop said Sunday was this: 'we are not meant to run faster then we can or labor more then we can handle'. In D&C 10 The Lord tells Joseph the same thing. Last night in studying this section, I found a quote that says: sometimes being over zealous instead of patient and persistent leads us to do wrong. So be diligent. And recognize you'll not be perfect. And forgive yourself.

Be kind. Be forgiving. Become like God.

I see you're on your way. And I know you are so much further then you believe. Thanks for letting me be someone who you can tell the whole truth to and for listening to me when I tell you my own perspective. You are stunning dear best friend. And you are kind. And I promise you-you are much much closer to being like Christ

Love you. Fiercely. Always.

The Hudsons said...

You have good people. Miss you!


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