Why give her diamonds when you can give her the family jewels?*

From the pages of Lildonbro's personal diary. Proof that she does have a serious side, with serious issues plaguing her life.

Imagine, if you will, the world's most delicious cupcake. Not just delicious to the taste, but delicious to the sight and smell. Mouth, nose, and eyes simultaneously watering at the very presence of this confectionery divinity. Close your eyes and picture it in the black landscape of your mind. Everything is dark and in the middle of the void there is a funfetti cupcake fading in to view. It's wrapper fits so securely around it that it has a muffin top, overflowing yellow cake with green, blue, red sporadic sprinkles. On top is pink vanilla icing. Not just a layer spread quickly on top, but a base layer of love, topped with an extra layer of thoughtfulness.

Dedication.

Pride.

On top of the icing are circular colored sprinkles. Not the sprinkles that came with the pink vanilla, but the sprinkles that came with the chocolate frosting. Special sprinkles. None of the other funfetti cupcakes were adorned with these sprinkles. This cupcake was chosen specially.

Now the cupcake has been created in your mind the same as it was in true life. The creation completed, the cupcake was placed in the microwave for later consumption. Next to it sat two of it's chocolate contemporaries. They paled in comparison to the funfetti cupcake from the gods, but they sat there none the less, chosen. Saved.

Maybe if it had been plain, maybe if it had had a little less Deity in it's batter, this story would end differently. I witnessed the end of this cupcake, it's demise should have been at my hands. My hands, my mouth, my stomach...but alas, this isn't a fairytale.

I sat on the couch in Marianne and Nick's apartment. Marianne on one end, me on the other, Nick on the middle. I didn't notice when he stood and walked into the kitchen, I had no reason to suspect anything. I didn't look up as he sat down, I hardly realized he was eating anything. Then I heard the words that brought my dreams crashing down into a lifeless lump at my feet.

Mur to Nick: Are you eating D's Cupcake

(Note to reader: My nickname in college was D. I tried with little success to get that name to transfer over to VA, but no one went with it).

The words hit my ear like a blow to the face. I turned and even as I turned I half expected Mur to be wrong. Certainly Nick had a chocolate cupcake, not my cupcake trapped and tortured between his teeth. But there it was, several curved scratches running down the length of its body, tearing it in half. But where was the other half of the cupcake? It was hidden behind Nick's teeth, traveling down his throat it a cold, sticky mess to rest in his stomach. My cupcake...in his hands! And what did he say?

"I had a chocolate one earlier."

You had a chocolate one earlier?! That's suppose to make this okay?! That's suppose to dull the pain? "My cupcake!" I yelled in desperation. I yelled because I knew not what else to do. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Nick offered me the feeble remaining half but I refused. I don't want his sloppy seconds.

My cupcake. My cupcake.

Even this chocolate peanut butter tastes better*

Dear Turkey Hill,

Has anyone ever told you that you do ice-cream real right? Your competition has wooed me from time to time with promises of deliciousness only to let me fall so hard. Certainly the disappointment I felt in their product's quality was only heightened due to my excitement as such a prospect (let us not forget the debacle of Blue Bunny's Peanut Butter Cookie ice cream).

I bring up these difficult memories to enhance my display of gratitude to you and your truly delicious flavors. Like a Pavlovian dog I salivate when I see a Turkey Hill ice cream container. I know that what lies within is just as beautiful and promising as the carton suggests. Peanut Butter Ripple? Gingersnap? Even your vanilla taste better.

I am inclined to believe that some "head of flavor" in your company does not eat chocolate or has someone close to them that doesn't because when you take on a non-chocolate ice-cream you don't just carelessly toss the ingredients into the bucket and stick a price tag on it! Your gingersnaps were marvelous and just soft enough to blend in with ice cream (the way that cookies IN ice cream should do! Yeah, I'm talking to you, Blue Bunny!), your Peanut Butter Ripple isn't vanilla ice cream that got splashed with a puddle of peanut butter on a rainy day in the city, rather it's a beautiful marriage between the two flavors, neither being too overwhelming to the consumer.

I just wanted to thank you for improving my quality of life with your thoughtfulness, hard work, and devotional. Keep on keeping on* Turkey Hill, you're making the world a better place.

Sincerely,

Seventh Heaven Ice Cream Consumer