“I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere to go."
Today I want to express my gratitude for the Lord. For a while I was writing gratitude posts every Sunday and it kind of tapered off. It's not that I am no longer grateful it is that I didn't build it as a habit, and I should have. I think that I need to remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for. Sometimes I get so caught up in my busy life, my routine, and mostly myself that I forget what great things are done for me.
I have come to realize as of late that I am one incredibly selfish individual. I mean, I always knew that I was selfish, but I don't think I realized before to what extreme. I don't want to be so selfish but I don't know how to change. I don't know how to stop being so self absorbed. A few posts ago I mentioned how I am ready to be more than I am (at least I hope that is the message that got across). I am ready, I am willing, I believe that most of my obstacles to achieve that have been removed (whether I wanted them removed or not), but the biggest one of all remains - what exactly am I supposed to do?
The other day I received more bad news - but it's the kind of bad news that only affects me. It struck me down in that "my world is over" kind of way we selfish people see things. I spent a lot of time on my knees unable to decide if I was angry, hurt, lost, or in denial. The emotions kept switching on me for a good thirty minutes if not more. Then I realized that no amount of crying was going to change anything and that if I wanted to change to be a better person I'd better get praying. So I prayed for the necessary strength to get through my trials and I prayed to know what it is that I should be doing. I'll admit, I have no idea where to begin. I guess in a way I see myself a little like C.S. Lewis wrote, a living house (quoted below). Except that I want to throw in there that I feel like I am handing God a dilapidated shack to begin with.
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” ~ C.S. Lewis
The Lord knows what he is doing even when we are not sure. Sometimes I feel like the world is ripped out from beneath my feet, which is all the more shocking when you felt you had your feet so firmly planted. I used to have a plan, an idea of where I was going, but now I don't. At first this hurt the worst, but ever so slowly I am coming to realize that maybe my plan was all wrong for me. I can see where the Lord has prepared me, little by little, to face this trial. I know that what I have learned over the years has also helped prepare me for the things I am struggling with.
My gratitude to the Lord (today) is this, that He sees what I have the potential to become, even if I can't see it and that He removes obstacles that I refused to acknowledge and though I struggle and doubt from time to time, he provides me with an indescribable peace I can find nowhere else.