Some thoughts

Yesterday, at church, my friend admitted that he has an empathy problem. Then he started to talk about when his grandmother passed away and how he knew it was hard for his mom but he never really saw his grandmother. I related to him then, all of my grandparents have passed and I know that it is difficult for my parent's, but it has been hard for me to truly understand because I never really saw any of my grandparents. I'm not saying I was a robot when they passed, I cried, trust me, but it was different. I cried that they were gone but also because I felt bad for not crying right away or because I hadn't really gotten to know them.


I told my friend that I had the same problem, though I don't believe it is as severe as I once imagined. If I let myself sit still and think about it, I have no issues with the empathy/sympathy. In fact, I really feel it, which is probably why I don't let myself dwell on these things very often.


This weekend I found out that a coworker passed away in a boating accident. There was the initial shock which I think most people have. I was immediately sobered when I heard the news, but then I went into denial mode. I had to keep going, I talked to whoever would listen about anything except this bad news, I watched a movie, listened to music, read, anything. In the moments I had to myself to think (which happens at church quite a lot) it started to sink in. I have cried a few times driving from Point A to Point B. I dreaded going to work Monday morning because it would somehow make it real.


I told myself I didn't want to go to work because I don't know how to behave in situations like this, but I think mostly I don't want to admit that it happened. If I don't go by her workstation it's as though she is just out of the office.


Her passing came on top of a few weeks of introspection about where I am going with my life. What am I doing and what am I waiting for? I have felt recently that the Lord was trying to tell me to do something more with my life and then with the news on Saturday I received an unfortunate reminder that we shouldn't wait. Another coworker wrote on her Facebook page that things like these really make you look at your life. I was already looking at my life but now there is a bit more urgency. I don't want to pass away from this life still waiting to pursue something better, something more for myself.

Yesterday, during the Relief Society lesson, the teacher said, "We're destined for greater things." I wrote that down, along with all the other little messages I have been receiving and then I changed it ever so slightly to read: "You are destined for greater things." Then I added, "Start today".

I think a lot of us live beneath our potential for whatever reason. It could be that we simply don't know what our potential is, or it could be that we are scared to put ourselves out there and try. I think I have a mixture of both but starting today I am going to do something about that. I want to realize what I am capable of and to stop being afraid to achieve it.