I haven't had a whole lot of thoughts lately. I don't know if you consider that a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's a lack of doing things worth writing about. Hmm...Could be it.
Just to give you a general update on my life. I've been pretty busy, it's all routine though. Monday nights are typically my free time night. Sometimes I have things going on, sometimes I go to FHE, and sometimes I sit at home and breath. Tuesday I have Institute, Wednesday I have frisbee (and lately, trail running before frisbee), Thursday I have book club and basketball, Friday I'm usually hanging out with the boys, and Saturday - well Saturday changes from week to week. I'd like to say I go running and take care of my yard - but that rarely actually happens. Then Sundays are busy busy busy with church, family and friends.
I have three callings and an "assignment". Institute Council President, Sunday School teacher (Family History), and Regional Committee Member (aka acting president until they call someone already!) and I'm on a planning committee for a YSA (Young Single Adult) retreat in September which I can't even go to because I'm going to Arizona that week (enter geeky, awkward, jumping in the air with two feet move here)!
Some of you might be familiar with the "object lesson" where you have a glass and then you have rocks, sand, rice, pebbles, water, etc. and you try to figure out how to get ALL of that stuff into the glass. If you start with the small stuff then you're screwed because there will be no room for the larger rocks or water. But if you start with the rocks, then add the sand/rice, then you add the water - you find that somehow all of the stuff fit. You focus on the big things, then fill in the rest of life with the smaller stuff.
I thought of that as I was thinking about this update, the things going on. I have quite a few big rocks right now and I'm trying to make sure I take care of them first. Then I can put in the rest; hanging out with friends, dating, writing, reading, training for the half marathon, etc. It's hard and it feels over whelming at times - but I can't seem to make myself stop any of it. Does anyone else ever feel like they're cramming so much in but they can't choose what to let go of? ...Anyone successfully let go of anything?
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Surely, you don't think Gilligan's Island is a... *
A few weeks ago we had an 80's dance at church. My friend, Ben, was way excited to wear his 80's pants...which he can put his whole body in. Don't believe me - look!
He started dancing before he even left the house - I was fortunate enough to get a video.
The dance was fun - not right away, but once I got in to it and let myself dance. As some of you know - I have incredible dance moves (sarcasm) but as long as I pretended no one was around, I had a good time.
It was still a bunch of white people dancing around - but they weren't so bad.
Monday, August 6, 2012
The odd thing about this form of communication is you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.
I'd like to introduce you to Jeff and Martha Smith. Martha is my oldest sister, she and Jeff live out in Utah.
They met in April 2008 and got engaged in September 2008 and married in May 2009. They dated a total of 13 months. When they got married, Martha was 32 and Jeff was 34. They were married in the Draper, Utah Temple and have been married for 3 years and 2 months. Here's the questionnaire:
Thoughts on Dating
What was the hardest part about dating?
Martha: I always felt like I was giving more in relationships than I was getting. I worried about what the guy felt, when I should have been concerned about how I felt. I didn't date a lot, so when I did, I think I over thought everything. It was also difficult to be treated the way I was by so many guys. I had a lot of baggage from bad, emotionally abusive relationships.
Jeff: Asking the same questions that younormally ask a date. It was hard getting to know the families of the girls I dated. Trying to be nice to everyone i dated, even when I wasn't attrected to them.
What was your favorite part about dating?
Martha: Meeting new people and trying things I had never tried before. Dating also helped me narrow down qualities that were important to me and ones that didn't really matter in the long run.
Jeff: Doing fun things together. Going on drives and sharing music that I like. I liked trying to read what my dates were thinking.
How did you meet?
Martha: I decided to give Internet dating, specifically eHarmony, one last chance. I paid for another month and didn't get any matches for a few days. Finally, I had a communication request from Jeff. The rest is history.
Jeff: It was my last attempt to date someone on eHarmony.
What were some qualities in your spouse that attracted you to them?
Martha: He was a hard worker and true to his word. I had never dated guys like that. He made me laugh and was so easy to talk to. He was very forward with his feelings for me. It was nice having someone show interest in me and not the other way around.
Jeff: Intelligence, looks, interesting intelligent conversations, and a lot of laughing. One more, one more, excellent motherly skills when I saw her with children.
Engagement
How long were you engaged?
We were engaged for the longest 9 months of our lives.
When/how did you know you wanted to marry them?
Martha : I think I always knew, I wasn't nervous around him, I wasn't constantly wondering what he was thinking or how he felt. I just knew and it was comfortable.
Jeff: Probably after Martha started coming to a lot of my family events and fitting in with everybody. Having deep conversations and feeling comfortable sharing such personal experiences.
Did you have any reservations?
Martha: I think if you jump into a relationship thinking it is all going to be rosy and problem free, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I was prepared for the hard work of marriage. My reservations were more along the lines of being single for so long. I wasn't ready to give up the single life, but I was tired of the single life at the same time.
Jeff: Of course you never marry someone who is perfect. So, I would say that I am a very close physical person and at times I wish that I would receive what I like to give. It's hard sometimes when Martha doesn't talk to me about her emotions, or feelings.
Marriage
How do you make big decisions?
Martha: Usually Jeff comes home with an idea in mind and tries to convince me that's what we need to do. We talk and "discuss" what we need to do. Sometimes I just don't have an opinion on the matter and try to tell Jeff it doesn't matter. He never believes me. ;) (that emoticon was right there in the survey answer).
Jeff: Obviously we talk about it. Sometimes I do come home with my mind made up. We like to get our points across before we come to a decision. Sometimes you have to give up what you want, but that's part of compromising.
What is something you weren't expecting in a marriage?
Martha: I wasn't expecting to lose so much of my independence. I was so used to doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.
Jeff: When you are dating and you are happy, you just go into the marriage thinking that happy will be there 90% of the time. Once you feel more comfortable around that person the true colors come out, and you have to learn to overcome the difficult moments.
What is the hardest part about marriage?
Martha: Jeff works late hours, so the hardest part for me is being alone. A lot. I also take his constructive criticism to heart more often than I should. He is the person who knows me better than anyone else, so when he thinks I should improve in some area of my life, it feels like I've let him down.
Jeff: Trying to stay positive when my significant other (read: Martha) is upset. I grew up with certain habits and Martha grew up with different ones.
What is your favorite part about marriage?
Martha: No more dating! Seriously, I love always having my buddy. I know who my Saturday night date is.
Jeff: Spending time together. (Vacations, road trips) cooking dinner together, know that i have someone who dearly loves me waiting at home.
What kind of things do you do to keep the "spark"?
Martha: I like when Jeff takes a day off to just spend together. It's a nice way to get out of the rut of work and all of the other things we have to do.
Jeff: (embarrassed giggle) I like when Martha does something spontaneous. I like when she comes up behind me and puts her arms around me. She surprises me with a treat or meal that I like. The hard thing about it is that we are away from each other so much that I try to think of the times we are together. It's usually at night when we can't go anywhere, or the weekends when we have a million errands to run, there are a lot of things that happen that I don't recognize because I try and make the most of the time we have together. That short amount of time makes if hard to remember specific things that keep the spark.
How do you work through disagreements?
Martha: This is a hard one to talk about. It is something that we are working on. We argue. Okay, I said it. It usually escalates into me yelling, but then we talk about things and feelings get voiced and everything clams down. The one thing we have always told each other is that no matter how hard it gets, we aren't going anywhere. We were sealed in the temple and that is so much stronger than any other wedding ceremony. We don't take those vows lightly. With that commitment, we don't leave an argument unfinished.
Jeff: You have to be able to communicate in a way where you have to think of the other person before yourself. By saying that I mean you have to put yourself in your spouse's place and understand what she is feeling and try to get her to know that you understand what she is going through. Hopefully, she will do the same in return. Always try to think unselfishly even when you are not in the mood.
Parenthood
Do you have any kids?
We have one beautiful 6 month old daughter.
How do you meld two different parenting philosophies?
Martha: It's hard. I thought before I was a mom that I would raise Sadie one way, but when she was born, my whole philosophy changed. I try to let Jeff raise Sadie the way he feels comfortable and not interfere. It isn't easy, when I feel like my way is right.
Jeff: I do what I do when Martha is not around, as much as I can get away with, anyway.
What is your favorite part about parenthood? Least favorite?
Martha: Favorite - Seeing Sadie's face light up when she sees me. I love the snuggles and cuddles and watching her development. Especially when I have waited so long to be a mom. Least favorite - The few times Sadie is fussy and I can't figure out why. Oh, and the amount of spit up - ugh.
Jeff: Favorite - Spending time together as a family and I can't resist Sadie-Talls' smiles. Least - Poopy diapers. Waking up early in the morning to feed her. That's been tough for me. (Jeff is home with Sadie in the mornings, so he gets up early every day).
Do you have any advice for others (single or married)?
Martha: Looks aren't everything. Money isn't either. Look for someone you can talk to about everything. Even when you have nothing else, conversation is free.
Jeff: If you are single, try to get to know the person at all angles. Look at the things that are most important to you in finding your mate. Then, try and study how that person you are dating, or that you like, to see if they have those qualities. I feel that somehow you know that it just feels right being around the person. There is a chemistry that you share for one another that you don't feel with any other person. For married couples, be unselfish, be unselfish, by unselfish. Stay positive as much as possible!
They met in April 2008 and got engaged in September 2008 and married in May 2009. They dated a total of 13 months. When they got married, Martha was 32 and Jeff was 34. They were married in the Draper, Utah Temple and have been married for 3 years and 2 months. Here's the questionnaire:
Thoughts on Dating
What was the hardest part about dating?
Martha: I always felt like I was giving more in relationships than I was getting. I worried about what the guy felt, when I should have been concerned about how I felt. I didn't date a lot, so when I did, I think I over thought everything. It was also difficult to be treated the way I was by so many guys. I had a lot of baggage from bad, emotionally abusive relationships.
Jeff: Asking the same questions that younormally ask a date. It was hard getting to know the families of the girls I dated. Trying to be nice to everyone i dated, even when I wasn't attrected to them.
What was your favorite part about dating?
Martha: Meeting new people and trying things I had never tried before. Dating also helped me narrow down qualities that were important to me and ones that didn't really matter in the long run.
Jeff: Doing fun things together. Going on drives and sharing music that I like. I liked trying to read what my dates were thinking.
How did you meet?
Martha: I decided to give Internet dating, specifically eHarmony, one last chance. I paid for another month and didn't get any matches for a few days. Finally, I had a communication request from Jeff. The rest is history.
Jeff: It was my last attempt to date someone on eHarmony.
What were some qualities in your spouse that attracted you to them?
Martha: He was a hard worker and true to his word. I had never dated guys like that. He made me laugh and was so easy to talk to. He was very forward with his feelings for me. It was nice having someone show interest in me and not the other way around.
Jeff: Intelligence, looks, interesting intelligent conversations, and a lot of laughing. One more, one more, excellent motherly skills when I saw her with children.
Engagement
How long were you engaged?
We were engaged for the longest 9 months of our lives.
When/how did you know you wanted to marry them?
Martha : I think I always knew, I wasn't nervous around him, I wasn't constantly wondering what he was thinking or how he felt. I just knew and it was comfortable.
Jeff: Probably after Martha started coming to a lot of my family events and fitting in with everybody. Having deep conversations and feeling comfortable sharing such personal experiences.
Did you have any reservations?
Martha: I think if you jump into a relationship thinking it is all going to be rosy and problem free, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I was prepared for the hard work of marriage. My reservations were more along the lines of being single for so long. I wasn't ready to give up the single life, but I was tired of the single life at the same time.
Jeff: Of course you never marry someone who is perfect. So, I would say that I am a very close physical person and at times I wish that I would receive what I like to give. It's hard sometimes when Martha doesn't talk to me about her emotions, or feelings.
Marriage
How do you make big decisions?
Martha: Usually Jeff comes home with an idea in mind and tries to convince me that's what we need to do. We talk and "discuss" what we need to do. Sometimes I just don't have an opinion on the matter and try to tell Jeff it doesn't matter. He never believes me. ;) (that emoticon was right there in the survey answer).
Jeff: Obviously we talk about it. Sometimes I do come home with my mind made up. We like to get our points across before we come to a decision. Sometimes you have to give up what you want, but that's part of compromising.
What is something you weren't expecting in a marriage?
Martha: I wasn't expecting to lose so much of my independence. I was so used to doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.
Jeff: When you are dating and you are happy, you just go into the marriage thinking that happy will be there 90% of the time. Once you feel more comfortable around that person the true colors come out, and you have to learn to overcome the difficult moments.
What is the hardest part about marriage?
Martha: Jeff works late hours, so the hardest part for me is being alone. A lot. I also take his constructive criticism to heart more often than I should. He is the person who knows me better than anyone else, so when he thinks I should improve in some area of my life, it feels like I've let him down.
Jeff: Trying to stay positive when my significant other (read: Martha) is upset. I grew up with certain habits and Martha grew up with different ones.
What is your favorite part about marriage?
Martha: No more dating! Seriously, I love always having my buddy. I know who my Saturday night date is.
Jeff: Spending time together. (Vacations, road trips) cooking dinner together, know that i have someone who dearly loves me waiting at home.
What kind of things do you do to keep the "spark"?
Martha: I like when Jeff takes a day off to just spend together. It's a nice way to get out of the rut of work and all of the other things we have to do.
Jeff: (embarrassed giggle) I like when Martha does something spontaneous. I like when she comes up behind me and puts her arms around me. She surprises me with a treat or meal that I like. The hard thing about it is that we are away from each other so much that I try to think of the times we are together. It's usually at night when we can't go anywhere, or the weekends when we have a million errands to run, there are a lot of things that happen that I don't recognize because I try and make the most of the time we have together. That short amount of time makes if hard to remember specific things that keep the spark.
How do you work through disagreements?
Martha: This is a hard one to talk about. It is something that we are working on. We argue. Okay, I said it. It usually escalates into me yelling, but then we talk about things and feelings get voiced and everything clams down. The one thing we have always told each other is that no matter how hard it gets, we aren't going anywhere. We were sealed in the temple and that is so much stronger than any other wedding ceremony. We don't take those vows lightly. With that commitment, we don't leave an argument unfinished.
Jeff: You have to be able to communicate in a way where you have to think of the other person before yourself. By saying that I mean you have to put yourself in your spouse's place and understand what she is feeling and try to get her to know that you understand what she is going through. Hopefully, she will do the same in return. Always try to think unselfishly even when you are not in the mood.
Parenthood
Do you have any kids?
We have one beautiful 6 month old daughter.
How do you meld two different parenting philosophies?
Martha: It's hard. I thought before I was a mom that I would raise Sadie one way, but when she was born, my whole philosophy changed. I try to let Jeff raise Sadie the way he feels comfortable and not interfere. It isn't easy, when I feel like my way is right.
Jeff: I do what I do when Martha is not around, as much as I can get away with, anyway.
What is your favorite part about parenthood? Least favorite?
Martha: Favorite - Seeing Sadie's face light up when she sees me. I love the snuggles and cuddles and watching her development. Especially when I have waited so long to be a mom. Least favorite - The few times Sadie is fussy and I can't figure out why. Oh, and the amount of spit up - ugh.
Jeff: Favorite - Spending time together as a family and I can't resist Sadie-Talls' smiles. Least - Poopy diapers. Waking up early in the morning to feed her. That's been tough for me. (Jeff is home with Sadie in the mornings, so he gets up early every day).
Do you have any advice for others (single or married)?
Martha: Looks aren't everything. Money isn't either. Look for someone you can talk to about everything. Even when you have nothing else, conversation is free.
Jeff: If you are single, try to get to know the person at all angles. Look at the things that are most important to you in finding your mate. Then, try and study how that person you are dating, or that you like, to see if they have those qualities. I feel that somehow you know that it just feels right being around the person. There is a chemistry that you share for one another that you don't feel with any other person. For married couples, be unselfish, be unselfish, by unselfish. Stay positive as much as possible!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I want to be free of you... the way you, obviously, are free of me.*
I'm going to try and stay on top of the monthly book reviews. I apologize for the first half of 2012 - but as you can see - 8 books in 6 months - it's okay to build it up (I guess I just got used to having at least 5 a month). But here are the books I finished off in July.
Mindset by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D
Every review you'll find on this book says that everyone should it. I'm now going to echo that - everyone should read this! Especially those who work with mini-people (teachers, parents, etc.). The book makes you look at yourself too and see if you are limiting yourself because you are afraid to fail. Failure hurts - but it's nothing to be afraid of, it's an excellent learning opportunity
This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald
I bought this book because I enjoyed The Great Gatsby (warning: The Great Gatsby is depressing - Christian did not realize this). I really struggled through this book - I had high hopes and then I felt like I was reading some strange, pieced together autobiography. More like when you sit down with you grandma (or adopted grandma) and they randomly share stories that don't seem connected. Except that Fitzgerald at least went chronologically. There were moments when the writing pulled me in and then moments when I had no clue what he was talking about because he kept referencing things and sayings from the 1920's - NO CLUE what those meant and therefore didn't follow very well. The book picked up near the end and I was reading through, unable to put it down (we're talking last 50 pages or so) and then I closed the book and was super depressed for a few days. I can't decide it I liked it or not (cause remember -depressing doesn't deter me, it pulls me in). If I ever come to a final conclusion, I'll let you know.
Matched by Ally Condie
I had high expectations for this book. I thought it would be one of those that I couldn't put down. I don't know if it's because I had just come out of the richness of Fitzgerald or what, but I struggled. I could easily put this book down and leave it down. I kept telling myself that the character was supposed to be shallow (in terms of character development) and all around wholesome without any problems...but even her problems didn't get any sympathy from me. Luckily, the book did pick up and I'm actually excited to read the next book in the series.
Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl
I joined a book club in July and this is the first book we decided to read. I've heard nothing but good reviews about it. Over the course of three weeks we met and discussed the parts of the book that stood out to us. It was a great experience being able to discuss in a group setting, to hear other's thoughts on what I liked, and to hear which parts stood out to others. I'm excited for the next one!
Every review you'll find on this book says that everyone should it. I'm now going to echo that - everyone should read this! Especially those who work with mini-people (teachers, parents, etc.). The book makes you look at yourself too and see if you are limiting yourself because you are afraid to fail. Failure hurts - but it's nothing to be afraid of, it's an excellent learning opportunity
I bought this book because I enjoyed The Great Gatsby (warning: The Great Gatsby is depressing - Christian did not realize this). I really struggled through this book - I had high hopes and then I felt like I was reading some strange, pieced together autobiography. More like when you sit down with you grandma (or adopted grandma) and they randomly share stories that don't seem connected. Except that Fitzgerald at least went chronologically. There were moments when the writing pulled me in and then moments when I had no clue what he was talking about because he kept referencing things and sayings from the 1920's - NO CLUE what those meant and therefore didn't follow very well. The book picked up near the end and I was reading through, unable to put it down (we're talking last 50 pages or so) and then I closed the book and was super depressed for a few days. I can't decide it I liked it or not (cause remember -depressing doesn't deter me, it pulls me in). If I ever come to a final conclusion, I'll let you know.
I had high expectations for this book. I thought it would be one of those that I couldn't put down. I don't know if it's because I had just come out of the richness of Fitzgerald or what, but I struggled. I could easily put this book down and leave it down. I kept telling myself that the character was supposed to be shallow (in terms of character development) and all around wholesome without any problems...but even her problems didn't get any sympathy from me. Luckily, the book did pick up and I'm actually excited to read the next book in the series.
Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl
I joined a book club in July and this is the first book we decided to read. I've heard nothing but good reviews about it. Over the course of three weeks we met and discussed the parts of the book that stood out to us. It was a great experience being able to discuss in a group setting, to hear other's thoughts on what I liked, and to hear which parts stood out to others. I'm excited for the next one!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.*
I hate to beat a dead horse, and maybe this is why I had separate blogs before, but I’m going to do it again, I’m going to go the route of relationships. I’m a bit self critical of the fact that I can’t seem to “let it go” as far as trying to figure out how to make a relationship work – but I guess rationally I can’t give up on that because
1. I’m not in a relationship and
2. When I am in a relationship I’ll still need to know how to make it work
Lately I feel I have been preoccupied with the idea of marriage, not my own necessarily. Marriage is something that I think I want but at the same time, I’m desperately frightened of. Age settles things within you, like “snow” in a snow globe (like sand through the hour glass?*). In your youth the snow globe is constantly being shaken, and it’s fun and exciting that way, to have things constantly shaken. But as you get older, you want to put the snow globe on the shelf for “decoration only” and things begin to settle. Things get comfortable and pretty soon you don’t want it to be shaken...ever again. I’ve gotten comfortable with my own way of doing things – I’ve gotten comfortable with my relative freedom to do as I choose, go where I please, and make impulse purchases (like cars and cameras). The thought that someone could come along and shake things up again is scary.
The only thing that tops that fear is picturing me thirty years down the road surrounded by numerous, albeit large and friendly cats. I think that is the thought that worries me most– alone with cats - no one to talk to and to grow with.
I look at married couples and I don’t know how they did it. I find myself wondering how they knew that they wanted to marry the person they married. What qualities did they look for? Did they have any doubts? Fears? How did they manage to find the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with…and how did they convince that person they wanted to do the same? I know that I wasn’t supposed to get married at a young age like others I know – I have felt myself grow so much not only from the time I was nineteen, but even in the last few months and years. I seem to grow best when I am alone and it makes me wonder if I can grow with someone. Experience tells me ‘no’ but hope is holding its breath for ‘yes’. Because, believe it or not, I don’t want to be that 60-year-old lady coming home to 7 cats named after punctuation marks.
So I am going to try something out. It could end as a banal curiosity into how this crazy thing called love works – because it could be my design to be single for the rest of my life (or at least the next 30 years). Either way, it is something I am interested in. So I am going to present at least five couples and “their story”. It will be a “Date Night” post, each Friday in the month of August. I will introduce you tofour five couples (maybe more if people I like it. Just to see how love is found and how it is kept. Plus - it does my heart good to read about real people who have made it work.
So I hope you enjoyed the "series". I look forward to introducing you to five couples that I admire and respect and who, whether they know it or not, set a good example for me.
1. I’m not in a relationship and
2. When I am in a relationship I’ll still need to know how to make it work
Lately I feel I have been preoccupied with the idea of marriage, not my own necessarily. Marriage is something that I think I want but at the same time, I’m desperately frightened of. Age settles things within you, like “snow” in a snow globe (like sand through the hour glass?*). In your youth the snow globe is constantly being shaken, and it’s fun and exciting that way, to have things constantly shaken. But as you get older, you want to put the snow globe on the shelf for “decoration only” and things begin to settle. Things get comfortable and pretty soon you don’t want it to be shaken...ever again. I’ve gotten comfortable with my own way of doing things – I’ve gotten comfortable with my relative freedom to do as I choose, go where I please, and make impulse purchases (like cars and cameras). The thought that someone could come along and shake things up again is scary.
The only thing that tops that fear is picturing me thirty years down the road surrounded by numerous, albeit large and friendly cats. I think that is the thought that worries me most– alone with cats - no one to talk to and to grow with.
I look at married couples and I don’t know how they did it. I find myself wondering how they knew that they wanted to marry the person they married. What qualities did they look for? Did they have any doubts? Fears? How did they manage to find the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with…and how did they convince that person they wanted to do the same? I know that I wasn’t supposed to get married at a young age like others I know – I have felt myself grow so much not only from the time I was nineteen, but even in the last few months and years. I seem to grow best when I am alone and it makes me wonder if I can grow with someone. Experience tells me ‘no’ but hope is holding its breath for ‘yes’. Because, believe it or not, I don’t want to be that 60-year-old lady coming home to 7 cats named after punctuation marks.
So I am going to try something out. It could end as a banal curiosity into how this crazy thing called love works – because it could be my design to be single for the rest of my life (or at least the next 30 years). Either way, it is something I am interested in. So I am going to present at least five couples and “their story”. It will be a “Date Night” post, each Friday in the month of August. I will introduce you to
So I hope you enjoyed the "series". I look forward to introducing you to five couples that I admire and respect and who, whether they know it or not, set a good example for me.
 |
| My coworker bought this for me last week - sweetest thing! |
Sunday, July 29, 2012
I love to see the Temple.
I had an incredible weekend! It didn't start that way to be honest and I worried about how it would go - but one thing I was able to hang on to was that on Saturday I was going to the temple.
Friday was rough for me. In my last post I mentioned the story of the woman who said, "Lord, I'll supply the action if you supply the feeling." I have been praying to be able to do just that, but it's funny, I prayed for it but I don't know if I really thought it would work - because when it happened, I was surprised. I feel a little bit like the 12 apostles in the New Testament, who always seemed to be surprised when Christ was able to do something even though they were his disciples and said that they believed who he was. Once again, the Lord has shown me that he can do all things - and sometimes I feel like he just helps me provide the action too. I knew something was coming, and I had been trying to avoid it for quite some time now - but Friday there was no escape and then as it started I didn't think about anything but the other person and how hard it must have been for them to do what they were about to do. So I took pity (not a normal emotion for me - I'm usually pretty self centered) and put that person at ease. I went on and on for a good 20 minutes or so, putting that person at ease. Then I left, got into my car, and cried. I had done it, certainly not alone, but I had supplied the action and in the moment, I had the feeling. But in my car, I was alone and I tried to process things, and I cried all the way to where I had been going that night in the first place. I cried because I was hurt, I cried because I was surprised that the Lord made it so easy to forget myself in that moment, because in that moment someone else needed me to be stronger. And then I cried because the feeling had been fleeting. Now I just felt like crap.
I tried to think of who I could reach out to - who could calm me before I got to my destination - but, just as I mentioned a few posts ago, I found that I was alone. There was no one to call or text, no one who could comfort me, except for the Lord. So I wiped my eyes, said a prayer, and went into the boy's house (which is what I call the house of boys I hang out with - Christian, Chris, Nick, and on rare occasions, Ben). I was there physically, but my mind was miles away, jumping from one thought to another. I had one final moment where I hid my face from my friends and cried. Then I tried to forget it all and enjoy hanging out.
Saturday, Chris, Sureni and I went up to the Temple. I tried to focus on the session, but I just couldn't. There were so many things that were going on in my mind and I worried that I was wasting my trip because I couldn't pause the thoughts. Then two things happened - first, they talked about the Savior and the crucifixion and I thought about how he suffered for us all, but more so, I thought about how he had suffered for me. Then I heard the most beautiful prayer I have ever heard, it was not the sound of words to my ears, but feelings to my heart. Not since the first time I went to the Temple have I cried during the prayer, and never like this. I was grateful that people had their eyes closed. It was as though harsh reality and comfort were mingled together. The prayer ended and I was a mess - I wasn't sure I would be able to make it through the rest with how I felt, like I would burst into a million pieces. But it wasn't pain, it was gratitude. Gratitude swelled within my chest until I felt like I could no longer bear it, and my tears continued to come. I felt as though the sting of all my grief was gone, in a matter of minutes it was swallowed up by the words and feelings of a good temple prayer.
And the best part? The feeling has extended beyond the Temple. It made it home with me even through traffic on I-95. Everything, and I mean everything before Saturday feels so far away, like it never even happened. I know that it did, and I know how I felt - but those feelings are gone. For anyone who doesn't believe in miracles still happening today, I testify that they do, and they can be as personal as we need them to be. Because I know without a doubt that the comfort and peace I feel now are a personal miracle. I know that the Savior suffered for my sins, my griefs, my tears, and I know that that is what makes it possible for him to help take them away. I know that without a doubt, we are stronger with the Lord than we are on our own, and with his help we can do things we didn't think we were capable of doing.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
That don't make NO sense!*
I'm going to apologize in advance, my left hand is insistent that words end with 's' even when there is no need and when it doesn't make sense. Luckily my right hand is in charge of all deletion capabilities so hopefully I catch them all - but if not - please get over it. Thank you.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness - doesn't help that last night our Institute teacher said to look for "daily bread" moments involving forgiveness. I spent a lengthy amount of time on my knees this morning trying to work this out with the man upstairs. I need his help.
To say that you forgive someone, or that it doesn't matter or whatever, is very easy. We can say things we don't really mean all the time. To actually forgive someone is a little harder, but in essence still easier than the newest problem I have found. To believe that someone can change - that is the hardest part for me.
True forgiveness is "forgiving and forgetting" but how can you forget if you don't think that the person is capable of changing? Have you really forgiven them if you consign them to be the same person for the rest of their life? It isn't even a conscious thing, I didn't really think about it until this morning actually. That was when I realized it, when I tried to tell myself that someone had changed, that they deserve to be happy and the thoughts that came into my mind were that they were still the same, that they would do the same thing. That's not fair is it? Because I know that I change all the time and I wouldn't want someone thinking that about me - that I'll just make the same mistakes, that I'll repeat the past. I don't want to be tied to bad decisions I made, we are surrounded by failures because that is the best way to grow. Failure is not here to bog us down but to help us move higher. If I believe it for myself it's only fair to believe it for others.
I'm struggling right now to figure out a myriad of emotions. Why do I feel this way or that, what is the root issue? Why is it so hard to see some people move on with their lives? If it's what I want for myself then I should want it for others. Maybe deep down I just want it to happen to me first - but that's the bratty side of me, the one who wants to be first.
That's my challenge (one of many) for right now. Maybe it's too much to ask the Lord to help me be happy about certain things that are happening, but I can aim high. What's the saying? "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars" Some peppy thing like that. But if I aim to be happy, then maybe I'll land among content - and content is better then where I am - so I'd be good with that.
I read a story once about a lady who had survived the concentration camps during WWII. She went around lecturing on forgiveness and then one day a man approached her. She recognized him as one of the guards in her camp and she was seized with fear. Then the worst thing happened - the man said that she mentioned the camp he had worked in and he wasn't sure if they ever interacted - but he was asking her for forgiveness. He didn't remember her, but she remembered him and she was faced with the decision of whether or not to give him forgiveness. He held his hand out to shake hers, but she could only look at it. She said that the moment seemed to drag in her mind and she wondered if he noticed the pause. She finally prayed, "Lord, I'll supply the action if you supply the feeling." She stuck her hand in his and told him she forgave him and then said that she was overwhelmed with the feeling that she truly did forgive him. She took a leap of faith that if she would say she forgave him then the feeling would follow.
I don't know if I'm there or not - but I prayed for that this morning. I told the Lord I would try, but I need his help with the feeling, cause I don't much feel like I'm there yet. It scares me to be honest. I have to let go of my anger and I have to let myself believe that people can change. And I have to accept that maybe some times - I don't get to be first.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness - doesn't help that last night our Institute teacher said to look for "daily bread" moments involving forgiveness. I spent a lengthy amount of time on my knees this morning trying to work this out with the man upstairs. I need his help.
To say that you forgive someone, or that it doesn't matter or whatever, is very easy. We can say things we don't really mean all the time. To actually forgive someone is a little harder, but in essence still easier than the newest problem I have found. To believe that someone can change - that is the hardest part for me.
True forgiveness is "forgiving and forgetting" but how can you forget if you don't think that the person is capable of changing? Have you really forgiven them if you consign them to be the same person for the rest of their life? It isn't even a conscious thing, I didn't really think about it until this morning actually. That was when I realized it, when I tried to tell myself that someone had changed, that they deserve to be happy and the thoughts that came into my mind were that they were still the same, that they would do the same thing. That's not fair is it? Because I know that I change all the time and I wouldn't want someone thinking that about me - that I'll just make the same mistakes, that I'll repeat the past. I don't want to be tied to bad decisions I made, we are surrounded by failures because that is the best way to grow. Failure is not here to bog us down but to help us move higher. If I believe it for myself it's only fair to believe it for others.
I'm struggling right now to figure out a myriad of emotions. Why do I feel this way or that, what is the root issue? Why is it so hard to see some people move on with their lives? If it's what I want for myself then I should want it for others. Maybe deep down I just want it to happen to me first - but that's the bratty side of me, the one who wants to be first.
That's my challenge (one of many) for right now. Maybe it's too much to ask the Lord to help me be happy about certain things that are happening, but I can aim high. What's the saying? "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars" Some peppy thing like that. But if I aim to be happy, then maybe I'll land among content - and content is better then where I am - so I'd be good with that.
I read a story once about a lady who had survived the concentration camps during WWII. She went around lecturing on forgiveness and then one day a man approached her. She recognized him as one of the guards in her camp and she was seized with fear. Then the worst thing happened - the man said that she mentioned the camp he had worked in and he wasn't sure if they ever interacted - but he was asking her for forgiveness. He didn't remember her, but she remembered him and she was faced with the decision of whether or not to give him forgiveness. He held his hand out to shake hers, but she could only look at it. She said that the moment seemed to drag in her mind and she wondered if he noticed the pause. She finally prayed, "Lord, I'll supply the action if you supply the feeling." She stuck her hand in his and told him she forgave him and then said that she was overwhelmed with the feeling that she truly did forgive him. She took a leap of faith that if she would say she forgave him then the feeling would follow.
I don't know if I'm there or not - but I prayed for that this morning. I told the Lord I would try, but I need his help with the feeling, cause I don't much feel like I'm there yet. It scares me to be honest. I have to let go of my anger and I have to let myself believe that people can change. And I have to accept that maybe some times - I don't get to be first.
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