I had an incredible weekend! It didn't start that way to be honest and I worried about how it would go - but one thing I was able to hang on to was that on Saturday I was going to the temple.
Friday was rough for me. In my last post I mentioned the story of the woman who said, "Lord, I'll supply the action if you supply the feeling." I have been praying to be able to do just that, but it's funny, I prayed for it but I don't know if I really thought it would work - because when it happened, I was surprised. I feel a little bit like the 12 apostles in the New Testament, who always seemed to be surprised when Christ was able to do something even though they were his disciples and said that they believed who he was. Once again, the Lord has shown me that he can do all things - and sometimes I feel like he just helps me provide the action too. I knew something was coming, and I had been trying to avoid it for quite some time now - but Friday there was no escape and then as it started I didn't think about anything but the other person and how hard it must have been for them to do what they were about to do. So I took pity (not a normal emotion for me - I'm usually pretty self centered) and put that person at ease. I went on and on for a good 20 minutes or so, putting that person at ease. Then I left, got into my car, and cried. I had done it, certainly not alone, but I had supplied the action and in the moment, I had the feeling. But in my car, I was alone and I tried to process things, and I cried all the way to where I had been going that night in the first place. I cried because I was hurt, I cried because I was surprised that the Lord made it so easy to forget myself in that moment, because in that moment someone else needed me to be stronger. And then I cried because the feeling had been fleeting. Now I just felt like crap.
I tried to think of who I could reach out to - who could calm me before I got to my destination - but, just as I mentioned a few posts ago, I found that I was alone. There was no one to call or text, no one who could comfort me, except for the Lord. So I wiped my eyes, said a prayer, and went into the boy's house (which is what I call the house of boys I hang out with - Christian, Chris, Nick, and on rare occasions, Ben). I was there physically, but my mind was miles away, jumping from one thought to another. I had one final moment where I hid my face from my friends and cried. Then I tried to forget it all and enjoy hanging out.
Saturday, Chris, Sureni and I went up to the Temple. I tried to focus on the session, but I just couldn't. There were so many things that were going on in my mind and I worried that I was wasting my trip because I couldn't pause the thoughts. Then two things happened - first, they talked about the Savior and the crucifixion and I thought about how he suffered for us all, but more so, I thought about how he had suffered for me. Then I heard the most beautiful prayer I have ever heard, it was not the sound of words to my ears, but feelings to my heart. Not since the first time I went to the Temple have I cried during the prayer, and never like this. I was grateful that people had their eyes closed. It was as though harsh reality and comfort were mingled together. The prayer ended and I was a mess - I wasn't sure I would be able to make it through the rest with how I felt, like I would burst into a million pieces. But it wasn't pain, it was gratitude. Gratitude swelled within my chest until I felt like I could no longer bear it, and my tears continued to come. I felt as though the sting of all my grief was gone, in a matter of minutes it was swallowed up by the words and feelings of a good temple prayer.
And the best part? The feeling has extended beyond the Temple. It made it home with me even through traffic on I-95. Everything, and I mean everything before Saturday feels so far away, like it never even happened. I know that it did, and I know how I felt - but those feelings are gone. For anyone who doesn't believe in miracles still happening today, I testify that they do, and they can be as personal as we need them to be. Because I know without a doubt that the comfort and peace I feel now are a personal miracle. I know that the Savior suffered for my sins, my griefs, my tears, and I know that that is what makes it possible for him to help take them away. I know that without a doubt, we are stronger with the Lord than we are on our own, and with his help we can do things we didn't think we were capable of doing.