I happen to have a lot of time on my hands at the moment and I’m sitting here thinking what a bummer it is that I don’t have anything interesting to write. I’m trying to think of past stories in my life that I could share with you, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’ll keep typing though, hoping something comes out, because like I said, I currently have a lot of time on my hands.
I have decided on something that might and I stress might be an interesting read for you. How about my top 5 worst dates and my top 5 best dates? Sound good? Okay, here we go down memory lane, so if details are foggy I’ll be making them up. All names have been coded and certain details left vague so as to protect the identity of the people on the date (or more so me should some of them happen upon this blog).
Before I begin I was to start first with a “Not a date” story. I went to visit my friend one year for spring break and she was dating this guy. Now the thing about people in relationships, they want to spread that joy and assume that everyone else would like a relationship too, no matter who it is with. So unbeknownst to me, she tried to set me up with this guy who reminded me of Hans Klopek from The Burbs. We went to eat dinner at my friend’s boyfriend’s sister’s house one night, we went to a dance, and we went to the park to have a picnic. This guy didn’t seem to have a problem with a weekend girlfriend and I think he really weirded me out when he laid his head on my legs. Awkward! Sadly though, I can’t remember anything else about this story except for those small details…maybe I can dig up an old journal and remember my true feelings. Now, on with the show.
Top 5 worst dates
(Backwards like a David Letterman Top 10 list)
#5 You Got This?
This was the first date from a list I had made of people to go on a date with after Mr. Collins. Whoa…I just realized that of my top 5 worst dates Mr. Collins didn’t make it, which means I’ve had worse. Back to the story. B1 seemed promising at first, not because I was interested (in fact, I wasn’t, which is why I asked him) but because he seemed excited to go on a date with me, and he quickly took over the planning. However, the night of the date I felt like he was trying his hardest to give this date no outlet on the dating highway except to veer it off on Exit 83 – Buddyland. We met at our date destination, which he chose because it was close to his home (a good 25-30 minute drive from mine). When we got into the building to pay for our activity I paid for him (since I asked) but it wasn’t like he put up much of a fight, I don’t know why, but I had expected him to say, “No, I can’t let you pay for me! I’m the guy, let me pay.” It wasn’t expensive or anything, it was just the principle of it. So we had our ten to twenty minute activity and I felt certain it would end after that, thinking what a flop this date was, but at least I gave it a try. Afterwards though B1 redeemed himself slightly by extending the date to ice cream at the Dairy Queen 5 minutes down the road, however we drove separately since it was closer to his home (couldn’t even drive me back down the street at the end of the date). But he did pay for the ice cream and we talked until midnight, though he kept checking his cell phone, to which I finally asked if he needed to be somewhere. The date ended in a hug and no possibility of a future.
#4 Keep On Keeping On
This date was actually one of my only, if not only (not really sure if I’ve done this before) online dating experience. I’ve been on online dating websites before, making friends and all, but never actually going on a date with anyone. But I was in Idaho, and so was he, so we ended up going on a date. He came to pick me up at my apartment and we went to dinner at the glamorous Big Judd’s restaurant, known for its pounder burger and gut wrenching fries. The drive to and from I felt as though I was going to die because this guy had no fear of his monster truck rolling over on a sharp turn. (If you’ve ever been to Big Judd’s in Idaho you know it’s a curvy road, especially scary at night). The whole drive he talked about how he would take care of me…which is sweet and creepy at the same time, because he wasn’t talking about while we were driving, his eyes were focused on the future. We then went to the two dollar theater to see Pirates of the Caribbean…I think it was the second one at the time, but it turns out that you can’t buy your tickets that far in advance, so off to Wal-Mart it was. As we looked at the cheap movies, killing time before the movie he kept pointing out the movies that he absolutely loved. If you know me you know I judge potentials harshly based on their movie choices. Not that harshly, but if every movie they love is one that I can’t stand and look down upon then how can I respect the person? Movies become a big part of dating life, it’s an area you need to be compatible. When we got into his truck he whips out a TV in the dashboard! Way cool, but totally dangerous, turn it off. So on the way to the movie I get to watch 5-10 minutes of Joe Dirt on the TV he paid big bucks to have installed. Have I mentioned I have never watched all of Joe Dirt? I can’t bring myself to do it. This date also ended in a hug and no possibility of a second date.
#3 The French are glad to die for love
In high school I made a mistake of letting a friend set me up on a date. You’re still too young at eighteen years old to let friends set you up, especially because that friend is probably just trying to get with the guy’s friend and that’s why the two of you would be a good match. This date was in fact only my third date (once you read #1 and #2 on my list which were actually my 1st and 2nd dates you’ll understand why so few). But I let my friend set me up, foolishly believing the words, “You have to meet this guy I think you’ll hit it off.” Who knew your best friend was so good with bold faced lies? So I agree to go on this double date and I get picked up at my house like a child at a bus stop. I can’t remember the beginning of the date, or if we did anything besides going to see the movie Moulin Rouge (my friend’s choice). But my date didn’t say a word to me, not one word. Am I that disappointing? Am I that hideous to behold? Or do I project a snobby image, scaring guys from speaking to me?
Everything I learned from my date came from the lips of my friend, and everything he learned about me came from the hyperactive state of having to sit still too long in a movie that didn’t capture my heart. So unfortunately all he knew about me was that I thought the beginning of the movie was written by crack heads and then I pretended to tap my arm like I was about to do drugs. Oddly enough this was apparently enough for him to ask my friend if I could go on a second date with him. The things I had learned about him; obvious red neck, football player, loves his car that wasn’t that great, may or may not already have a drinking problem at 17 years old, and a fanatic about coming across as a tough guy who can still play football with a broken foot; were not enough to entice me for a second date, but I said I would go anyway. That date did not make either of my lists, it wasn’t bad enough to compete with the worst, but it didn’t stand out enough to be remembered until just now. When he asked her for a third date I told her he would have to ask me, not have her do it. When he finally called I was preparing to move across the country, so…dangit, I couldn’t go.
#2 Chris Rock and Drew Barrymore would never be in a movie together
This date was supposed to be my second if we look at the order in which they were asked. It came after the question for the first date, from the same guy, but it was in preparation for the first date (you’ll understand when you get there). The date started off well enough, when he showed up to my house 20 minutes late…because he got lost. We went to the movie theater and I stared out the window as we passed open parking spot after open parking spot, but apparently, none were easy enough to pull into so instead we park across the parking lot, not just the theater parking lot, but the shopping center parking lot. We were over by a bank, and from the bank you couldn’t see the theater. So my legs got a work out and I was chilly on the walk back (since it was springtime). We get to the theater, buy our tickets, and go sit down. The movie we were going to see was Never Been Kissed. The theater darkens and the previews play, then the movie begins: Chris Rock standing on a stage doing a comedy routine. I lean over to my date and say, “I think we are in the wrong theater.”
Him: How do you know?
Me: Aside from the F-bomb already being dropped two times in five minutes I point the screen, “I don’t think he’s in the movie we bought tickets for.”
Him: You sure?
Me: *nods head and thinks to self, “Do you think Chris Rock is going to show up in a romantic comedy with Drew Barrymore?”*
So we get into the right theater and still have some times before the previews begin. He asked me how old I am and I tell him, 16 and I ask him how old he is and he says 19 and then he says, “Is that legal?” And I told him I thought it was fine as long as we didn’t do anything, and we wouldn’t be doing anything. The movie was good (to me at least) and then we left the theater, walking the mile back to the car and then getting lost trying to get out of the parking lot. Well, I didn’t get lost, I knew where I was at every moment, even when the street names stopped being familiar, I kept in mind where we were in case at any moment this guy would listen to me and turn around. Which he finally did. We went and got something to eat and then came back to my house. He watched SNL with my mom in the family room and I hung out with my dad in the office. There wasn’t much conversation involved in this date if you haven’t already guessed. Finally he left, but unfortunately we had already had plans for the second date…
#1 Wow that was just like Carrie, I thought she was going to kill us all.
Having already experienced the first date with this particular guy I wasn’t too thrilled for the second date. So here’s the history on the first date. I was sixteen years old, had just started working at my new job. One night after work this guy I barely know walks me to my car and says, “So my senior prom is coming up and my mom really wants me to go, do you want to go?” In my head I had prepared myself for when a guy finally asked me out, I would always give a guy a chance, I was altruistic and wanted to give every date the benefit of the doubt (that quickly changed). So I told him ‘yes’ despite the lame delivery of the question…my mom wants me to go, so would you go? Seriously? After I say ‘yes’ I ask when Prom is…should probably ask the when before committing. Turns out it was in a week and a half! Being sixteen and never having had to buy a prom dress before I didn’t understand in the moment what kind of torture I was locking myself into. But I had done it, with the help of my mom and my sister I had chosen a prom dress and sat ready on the evening of Prom, dreading the arrival of my date. I’m sure every mother beams when she finds out that her daughter hopes she was stood up for Prom. For a small window (about 15-20 minutes) I thought possibly that my dreams had come true. But alas, he showed up, we took pictures, and then off to his mom and dad’s for more pictures. His mom gave me a squeezing hug like we had just announced our engagement and then we got into the car…and…his parents got into their car. We pulled out of the driveway, and then they pulled out of the driveway. Then we followed them to the restaurant. For a moment I thought we’d be eating dinner with his parent’s before heading to the dance. But as it turns out he’s horrible with directions so his parent’s thought it was best to guide him there. During dinner I kept asking him questions about himself, and he responded with simple and lonely ‘yes’ and ‘no’s to most of the questions. Since he was a senior I asked him his plans for after graduation, his response, “I don’t know, maybe manager of the meat department.” Wow, how is someone supposed to act like that’s interesting? The ambition was almost too much for me as I picked at my food and tried to think of other questions I could ask.
When we got to the dance (not at my high school, but at the rival high school) I saw a few girls from church and some guys from work. Said ‘hello’ and then went into the gym with my date, who then introduced me to one person, and we sat down. Then we continued to sit, quietly, sitting quietly, together with his one friend he introduced me to. Finally I turn and ask his friend a question, after she answered her and her date got up to dance and my date and I continued to sit. Finally he asked if I wanted to dance, so we went on the dance floor and we stood there, preparing to dance. He laughed slightly, said he ‘couldn’t do this’ and we went back to sit down. I used my one get out of jail free card and went to the bathroom, where I ran into a few friends. Then I returned to my date and we went into the commons area where I found a girl I knew and her date who was pretty much dying from exhaustion (he worked at a bakery…early morning). So I sat talking with them and trying to include my date, though she didn’t have to baby-sit hers (mostly because he was sleeping with his eyes open). When we went to leave he said, “I know you weren’t trying to be rude.” What? By talking? By trying to salvage the evening? He then took me home because I had already previously lied and said that my dad was really strict and I had to be home by midnight. However, he welcomed himself into the house and hung out with my mom again while I begged my dad to tell him to leave so I could go get in my PJs. This date didn’t even end in a handshake; rather I stood behind the door as I told him ‘goodbye’. Several months later he walked me to my car and broke up with me…needless to say I think I took it pretty well, I mean, I was surprised, but he was right, we were both just too busy and never had time for each other. Is that another way to put that I was avoiding him? Sounds good.
What a way to start my dating career…is it any wonder why I hate dating now at 25 years old?
But now I've written too much, so I think you'll have to wait for the Top 5 good dating experiences.