They come, they eat, they leave*

(Seen at the store yesterday and struck me as funny. Idk maybe it's not to anyone else)

Yesterday I thought I had scratched my eye, it stung and I couldn’t keep it open when I was driving in to work because the sun was aggravating it.  I had to pull off the road and called my boss to tell her I would be late.  Then I went to the eye doctor to have it checked.  Turns out I have an infection, so I have drops for my eyes and have to wear my glasses until I purchase new contacts. 

I have decided two things.  The first – wearing glasses makes me feel like the awkward post 15 year old that I was and two – I have absolutely no depth perception.  I think I may injure myself before the new contacts arrive.

So last night was super crazy.  My home teachers (HT) were supposed to come at 5:30 and the missionaries at 5:45.  HT were going to teach us real quick and then join us for dinner.  Well, the HT were late and the missionaries were late too.  The Missionaries got there about 6 o’clock or so and said that they couldn’t stay long because they had another appointment (there day turned out to be super crazy).  Meanwhile, the HT call and say they are near a graveyard, where do they go from there? …you guessed right, they were lost.  So we help them, then we eat quickly with the missionaries.  They apologize a million times over and then go to their next appointment.  

Then some man comes to the door and asks if I have accepted Jesus as my Savior, “Yes, I have!” I told him.  He gave me a flyer with a website and we wished each other a good evening.  Then the HT show up and grab some food and sit down to teach us. They couldn’t stay long either (this is how I like things though).  So they leave and I talk to Caitlin for a bit before going to lay down while I wait for Matt to show up. Matt comes, we walk to the car and some truck stops and ask if so-and-so lives here.  I shook my head and he was like, “Do you know the people who adopt dogs?” Uh….nope (and my instinct tells me not to venture closer to the car).  He keeps going, “They said it was the fifth house on the right.” One. Two. Three. Four…I guess that’s me.  I try to help the guy but it’s just not happening, I’m useless.  He says he’ll drive to the end of the street – and I’m not sure how that will help but I hope it did. 

Matt and I get in the car and try to decide where to go and in the meantime we see our new friend in the truck again.  Then my neighbor comes and backs his truck up into his driveway at super lightening speeds and while that’s happening another truck (I live close to Ashland, the land of trucks and honey) goes to the drug dealers’ house (oh p.s. Caitlin and I think the house at the end of the street is occupied by drug dealers – possibly not, but we don’t like them either way – they have fights in the middle of the street…seriously).  Matt notices the guy there looks like he is trying to put his garbage in someone else’s trashcan (like I know Matt’s mom does because she drops trash off at my sister’s house all the time).  So we start watching the guy as he is crossing the street back to his house, garbage bag still in hand. He lifts the lid of his garbage can and puts it in, then tries to press down the lid with his hands. When that isn’t as effective as he would like, he proceeds to climb up on the garbage can and

 Jump

 On

 It!!

 I don’t know how many of you have dealt with a county provided garbage cans, they are sturdier than most – but not sturdy enough for this monkiery! (And yes – that’s a made up word).  We both watch…waiting for the man to fall off the trash can, or for the can to collapse in on itself or to tip over….SOMETHING catastrophic.  But alas, nothing happened.  The man dismounted with more grace than I could have imagined and went inside his house.  We were just sitting there in shock and Matt says, “I’ve never seen that before, I’ve never seen anybody drive their garbage down to the street and beat the heck out of it.”*  That’s a man after my own heart.  We started the car and drove to Barnes and Noble.

Gosh I love this street*

I've given up sugar, it was a crutch*

Captain Crunch is far too sweet.  I honestly never saw that one coming.

I am still doing the sugar only on Sundays thing. I've almost let myself eat some sugar if it's late enough on Saturday, but both times I chickened out and waited until Sunday.  It's been an interesting experiencing.  Last night, I couldn't finish a bowl of ice cream cause it was too sweet.  And...I've lost four pounds so yay.

My weekend was pretty good.  Friday night we had Chris' farewell dinner.  We went to Plaza Azteca, which I know made Christian pretty happy.  Then we hung out around the house.  We ended up reading some of the writings of Brother Ben - the first one being in Spanish so it wasn't too interesting for me.  I'm pretty sure I zoned out because I didn't know what was going on anyway.  But then there were some in English.  Ben was letting us read them because he wants to read some of my stuff.  He said I could critique his stuff but keep my thoughts to myself.  I thought that was pretty funny.  So - now I owe him some of my stuff.  I said 'goodbye' to Chris and made sure not to cry in front of him but I sure did in the car.  I'll miss him, he's a good friend (even though I didn't much like him when he first came here), I'll never forget how he (and all my boys) helped me through a tough time in my life.

Saturday was beautiful.  The last couple of days have been beautiful, it's felt like fall and though I know it can't last, I hope it does.  I love fall.  The weather lately makes me want to go in the attic and get out the Halloween decorations.  To enjoy the weather, Matt and I went to the park.  He had never been to Pump House park so that's where we went.

I like this park, it's small and most people don't know it exists.  But on Saturday there were plenty of people there, I'd say at least 10.  The buildings are beautiful, I wish we could go inside but I'm pretty sure I'd be creeped out anyway.

Lots of dogs too.  This little guy kept joining us while we sat on a bench.

 I named him Fizzgig, because if you have ever seen The Dark Crystal (and if you haven't then Netflix that baby) you would see the resemblance.

Do you see it??

This leaf certainly helped with the "It's Autumn!" feeling

 Sunday was meetings and church and family time as usual.  As always, I am reminded of what amazing friends I have.  Caitlin and AshG are so great at comforting me without me having to say I need comforting and AshB sent me this incredible e-mail saying things about me she is grateful for.

This weekend was perfect for me.  Last week had a lot of stressers (with tender mercies sprinkled throughout of course) and this weekend was just what I needed to recover and start a new week.  I went to bed super early (for me) last night and I had some really good sleep, I woke up at 6 am (like I have wanted to for years) and have already gotten a lot done today.  I am determined that no matter what stress comes my way this week, I will handle it better than I did last week. 

You are ugly, but you are beautiful*

First off - I realize that my last real post made things sound worse than they were.  I think I worried AshB and I didn't mean to, I was hoping to express how even though all these things were going wrong, I knew that the Lord was with me.

I was recently reminded of a talk from Sacrament meeting a few weeks ago, where our high councilman was talking about how we sometimes hold on to hard feelings from perceived wrong doings.  Yesterday, my best friend (without realizing it) kind of modified that, basically she just ripped out the "perceived" and while it injured my pride for a good 6 hours, I knew deep down she was right...I had just wanted her to take my side.  But that's karma cause I do the same thing to her and I think that's what makes a really good best friend.  Someone who doesn't let you sit there and feel sorry for yourself, but reminds you that it is up to you to make things better. 


So - I have this feeling of wrong doing, but I'm not completely innocent in the situation either, I just don't know how to make it right.  I have apologized for my part and I'm trying to pretend that I don't notice this person won't look at me or talk to me or wishes I weren't there.  Cause...it's obvious.  But Best Friend said to play ignorant, to still extend love, and that's what I will try to do, because I know she's right about this one.

I came across a quote:

We need to be kinder with one another, more gentle and forgiving. We need to be slower to anger and more prompt to help. We need to extend the hand of friendship and resist the hand of retribution. In short, we need to love one another with the pure love of Christ, with genuine charity and compassion and, if necessary, shared suffering, for that is the way God loves us....

"We need to walk more resolutely and more charitably the path that Jesus has shown. We need to 'pause to help and lift another' and surely we will find 'strength beyond [our] own.' If we would do more to learn 'the healer's art,' there would be untold chances to use it, to touch the 'wounded and the weary' and show to all 'a gentle[r] heart' (Howard W. Hunter: A More Excellent Way Ensign, May 1992, 61).

At first, my selfish brain read it and was like, "Yeah, be nicer to me!" and then slowly my mind changed, I need to be kinder, I need to be more gentle and forgiving, slower to anger and more prompt to help.  I think it's funny how anything we have that can justify our anger also rebukes us for not being the bigger (wo)man.

You don't know true love until you wipe someone's butt*

Ok- I'm going to try this from my phone cause I'm having trouble with the computer. 

January - 4

February - 3

March - 4

April -2

May - 2 (+1)

June - 4

July - 4

Total = 24

Sarah by Orson Scott Card
I loved this the first time I read it but this time it was more meaningful. I think because I was/am doing the hand of The Lord exercise daily and the story of Sarah is about Abraham's Sarah...the one who didnt have a baby until was in her 90's. it is a good read either way, but I'd suggest looking for the hand of The Lord in your life each day while reading this one. 

The Other Side of Heaven by John H. Groberg

I can't figure out how to move the pics on the phone...so that's just how it is. I have seen the movie and enjoy it- I think the book was great, mostly broken down in to lessons learned.  He also share stories from his time spent in california (which the movie does not cover).  

Joseph Smith the Prophet by Truman Madsen

I'm really feeling the church history lately with institute and all (that's what we have been studying this summer). I just continue to be impressed by Joseph Smith and the early saints (and I live Truman Madsen - bonus!)

Death Comes to Pemberley by P.D. James

I had high hopes for this one...high hopes dashed. It was arduous to read. It was interesting a few pages in and then that interesting part got lost and mostly forgotten in a whole heap of BORING. I spent most of my time checking and rechecking how many pages to the end. Sorry, but that's the truth. 

It's not going to stop, til you wise up.*

I'm afraid I have been really bad about writing on this blog.  It's not that my life has been boring, on the contrary, life has been exceptionally busy.  I am still looking for the hand of the Lord in my life each day and some days are harder than others.  Maybe I will share a few of them on here. 

Life has been pretty difficult the last two weeks.  People have passed away, been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and gotten severely injured in car accidents. All of that on top of everything else that has become the normal craziness of my life and sometimes I feel like I just can't take one more piece of bad news. 

I don't like to throw pity parties, especially on the blog, so trust me, that's not what I am trying to do here.  I just need it to be said because I don't really know how else to express myself.  I've never done well with bad news, I don't know what to do for people, I don't know what to say.  I know how I feel and I'm used to bottling it up or doing whatever I can to ignore it.  This is how I deal with things and honestly, I don't see anything wrong with it.  When someone passes away, I have my testimony in the gospel and where we go after this life.  I think a lot of my sadness is intitally thinking of what they will miss out on, because to me that's all I see sometimes...this life.  But just as birth brings us to this stage of our existence, death carries us to the next. That's something I need to remember, it's just hard when people actually make that "transition". 

This morning, I found out that one of my best friends got a job offer in Florida.  He's been interviewing with so many different places that when the interviews with this place kept going well, I didn't think much of it.  I was certain he wouldn't be going anywhere.  I told him once that he was sent to Virginia to take care of me, because he moved here at a time when I needed someone the most and at a time when I felt that I was all alone.  He helped me to heal from heartache and he helped me to move past the insecurities that are the scar tissue of heartache.  We had talked a few weeks ago about how he couldn't figure out why he was in VA and I reminded him that it was for me and he said, "tell the Lord you're fixed and it's time for me to find a purpose" (that sounds harsher than it is - but it was not).  I am happy for him, I'm just tired of losing people.

Two weeks ago there was a ward activity.  I was having a really rough morning (I can't even remember why) and I was debating not going to the activity but some friends talked me in to going and I figured it was worth a shot.  Almost instantly I was put in a better mood by the girl who sat in the back seat with me as we rode to the river.  I was able to spend time with some friends I haven't really been able to sit down and talk with for a while and that evening, as we were driving back, I received a random text from one of my boys just telling me how great he thought I was (which made me cry because I needed something like that at that time).  Even with all of this though, I ended the night feeling just as strange and out of place as before and I cried a lot because even though I couldn't put my finger on it, I knew I was sad about something.  I learned something that day though that I wrote in my actual journal, it was that even on days when we don't think we could possibly see the Lord's hand in our Life, it is there.  The Lord is there even on the bad days though it is harder to see Him.  There's a quote from Maxwell that I like, "Selfish people are forever taking their own temperature, asking themselves, "Am I happy?" Our eternal happiness is insured, if we keep the commandments."  We will not always be happy, fun and fancy free, there will be times when we are sad, when we feel lonely, when things just don't go as we would like them - that's mortality.  But our eternal happiness is insured, we just need to hang on.

Little did I know that by realizing this, it was also the Lord's hand to prepare me for the two weeks that followed.  Life has been emotionally, mentally, and physically draining since then but I have continued to see the good that there is.  Not in the instant I receive the bad news, but I am getting quicker about stopping and thinking where the Lord is.  Whether it's to remind me not to have hurt feelings, or that death is not an end, or that letting someone go doesn't mean giving up love but making room for more.

I'm still sad and crying, but I know deep down that things are going to be okay.  No matter how dark or lonely things get, they always end up being ok so I have no reason to doubt.


Do not let the shadows convince you there is no light.



I mean, this is unreal. They're gonna start eating each other out there. *

Blog Bucks: Congrats to Kathryn and G-Sauce!



I love conversations with my familt.  Here are the gems from this past Sunday, warning, they will make my family seem

Olivia and I were playing with Kathryn's phone and we accidentally turned some music on.

Kathryn: What is that crap?

Me: Music from your phone.

Joanna: Don't say crap in front of my kids!

Enter Tommy (Joanna's youngest boy) he has put pieces of a toy on all ten of his fingers.

Tommy: Everyone! I'm no longer Tommy, I'm bitch fingers!

An awkward silence falls over the crowd followed by laughter.

Martha: (to Joanna) What was that you were saying about not saying "crap" in front of your kids?

For the record, Joanna tried to figure out what Tommy meant to say, we think it was pitch fingers - but she compromised with him and he is now Hulk Fingers.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't even remember how this conversation got started. Oh wait - there was a stuffed animal, a moose, and there was a cut down the center of his head so that you could see his little fluffy brains.

Samantha: Careful, thats the first sign of a seriel killer

Me: That's real animals, Samantha, not stuffed animals.

Kathryn: Don't get Jessica started on Sociopaths.

Samantha: What is a Sociopath?

Me: Someone who doesn't feel guilt

Mom: (the same time as me to Samantha) You and your brother.

Somehow it comes about that mom has known this for a while.

Samantha: (to mom) You've known I was one since I was little? Why didn't you do something?

Mom: Like what? Drown you in the tub?

His first name is Agent.*

I think I hate myself.  Here's why I think I so:

1) I decided last week that I was going to give up sugar 6 out of 7 days of the week.  I realized that with all the stress in my life I was eating sugar like crazy....like crazy.  I had sugar at my desk, I would eat sugar when I got home, I would eat sugar after dinner, I even started to eat sugar in the mornings...for breakfast.  Not straight sugar...things like cakes, cookies, ice cream, Amish friendship bread (that was what I allowed myself to eat for breakfast at least 3 days last week).  You know - now that I am writing it out, maybe eating all that sugar meant I hated myself.  I decided to do 6 out of 7 days because I feel I can do anything for 6 days.  I can delay eating sugar if I know that on Sunday I can eat whatever I want.

So I woke up Monday with the determination to not eat OBVIOUS sugar (several people have given me grief about eating bread and pasta and anything else that might have sugar in it - I am just cutting out cookies, candy, cakes, ice cream, etc.)  Monday evening I almost let myself have a bowl of Captain Crunch for dessert because I figured sugary cereal is better than ice-cream or cake right?  But I told myself that would be cheating and didn't do it.  I must say (and I'll probably regret this) that it hasn't been too difficult.  I think yesterday was when it might have been the worst - I finished lunch and looked around for something sweet and then I remembered I'm not doing that...not even a sugar free mint! 

Negatives:

• I'm not eating sugar - so when people offer me some, even if it's something I love and rarely eat, I have to say 'no'
• I'm not eating sugar...the love of my life...

Positives:

• I don't feel as hungry throughout the day - before I was just always hungry all the time, but now I look at the clock and realize I made it all the way to 11 without a snack.
• I've lost two pounds (I know this won't continue unless I throw in more cardiovascular stuff).
• It hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be.  I didn't go through withdrawal and I am drinking more water when I think I am hungry. 
• It will probably save me money at the grocery store - I haven't gone shopping yet, so we will see.

2) The second reason I think I might hate myself is that I have signed up for the half marathon again! Again people! I blame a guy at work who walked by my desk this morning and said, "So are you going to run the half marathon again?"  I told him how I have done a good job of talking myself out of it up to this point and how I've been using my ankle as an excuse (cause it feels funny after all sports - but it doesn't hurt - except this past Wednesday).  But we got talking about it and I realized I wanted the challenge of running the half marathon with my still fat ankle.  What is wrong with me?