We're going to need a bigger boat.*

Today has been an interesting day.  I don't think I've laughed this much at work in a long time.

It started with my coworker talking to me about a table that is outside of my workstation.  We switched tables, so this one is shorter and looks nicer, but as I mentioned to my coworker, we can still put a box out when forms are due.  Somehow, she got me going on how people never notice the box!  Last time it really frustrated me because they would walk right past the box or they would even be looking at the box and question where it was...or if it was the right one (it was labeled thank you).  Anyway - I'd better stop before I go off on the box again. 

So I was telling my coworker what I would do the next time we had to put the box out...so many options of things I would do.  I remembered in that moment that I have a gun in my desk drawer and decided that I would use it if anyone asked me about the darn box.  So I opened up my drawer of "essential items every girl should have at work" and pulled out my gun.  Then I tested it to see how loud it was and how far it would shoot.  People should beware this year.  As I was placing it back in the drawer I took note of my other items (pictured below):

As you know, it's important to have a spork and chopsticks at work...because you never know when the occasion to use either might arise.  I think it's safe to say that I get the same warm fuzzy feeling looking at a spork that I do when I see a cute penguin. (p.s. in case you are still thinking I'm a homicidal maniac with a gun at work...that is the gun pictured. It's not loud and doesn't shoot far, and it's green and red because it was a stocking stuffer at Christmas).

From there I moved on to other things on my to-do list at work.  The other day, someone brought to my attention that one of the workstations near mine had had soda or something spilled on it, but no one knew when it happened.  So today I took a can of carpet cleaner (that I have had for two years but have never used) and a sponge and got to work. 

Cleaning workstations is not part of my job description and it's not something that happens often at work, so of course, when I began I immediately had a small group gathered around to watch me clean and to make smart remarks.  They egged me on until I made a smiley face with the damp sponge, then they tried to guess what they really saw.  Jesus, an angry face, bozo the clown, and maniac were all things guessed.  The worst part - once the workstation was damp I could no longer see the stains, so I have to go back later to get the spots I missed.  Anyway - it ended up being a lot of fun.

The final thing (I think, but the day is only half over).  I'm in a water race with my coworker.  She never drinks her water (or anything) during work.  So I've been telling her that if she doesn't drink water her brain juices will begin to lower and that causes headaches, dizziness, confusion, etc. (who knows - it could).  So today she told me she was going to drink a whole 16 oz bottle of water.  Then she stated that she would drink two!  Being the competitive person I am, I started to drink my water to match her ounces (Note: I usually drink 48 ounces at work).  We went to refill our water bottles and she was feeling brave (and a little competitive herself) and said she would drink half of her bottle (8 oz) by noon...the current time had been 11:40, so she sat down and drank it...and I  being an idiot, drank mine too.  Then she finished the bottle off, so I drank more of my water (even as I type I really have to use the little girl's room).  Then she announced that by 5 o'clock she was going to drink 58.7 ounces of water!  So I said I would do the same!  I've been keeping track and so far I've had 40 ounces of water since 9:30 this morning.  I think I might throw off my electrolytes and die...but I hope not.  We've been laughing about how ridiculous this competition is - but neither of us can stop! 

Anyway - 18.7 more ounces to go! Shouldn't be a problem!

Another big word!*

The other day I was given a typing assignment at work.  I have never had a typing assignment - but this is what I have been training for since typing class in sixth grade.  My boss called me in to discuss and she warned me that it wasn't a glamorous project, but it needed to be done.  Call me a geek - but I was actually excited about this project.  It could have been for several reasons...

One might be that it was a project that doesn't take a whole lot of thought. 

It could be because I have always been pretty competitive (even when there's no one to compete against) and I enjoy being "fast" about something.  I'm a fast typer, so I was excited to see how quickly I could get this project done.

It could also be because in doing this typing project I was being released from a far less desirable project and was being "reassigned" to a different (more interesting) portion of that project once my typing was done.

So - It's not just because I'm a geek.

Here's what I learned though:

1. My wrists don't like typing that much at my desk at work.  Laptops are easier for this kind of thing.
2. The most annoying word to type in the English language is Analysis (or anything like unto it - Analyze, etc.) It's not so bad the first twenty times, but when you've been typing for an hour and half and it is every third word...you get sick of it.

That's it - that's all this project taught me...just thought I would share.

Having a Boo Radley moment are we?*

In Sunday School this week we discussed the allegory of the olive trees. 

Quick synopsis - the Lord of the Vineyard has a tame olive tree that is decaying so he did all he could to save it (pruning, nourishing, etc.) when that didn't work he grafted portions of a wild olive tree into his tame olive tree - this process was to help the tame tree "correct it's decay".  The master comes back several times to check up on the trees and on one visit finds that all the fruit is bad.  He tries one more time to save his vineyard, he prunes, dungs, etc. The allegory is about the apostasy on a large scale, but we can apply this to individual apostasy as well. 

Anyway - not the point - just background for people who have never heard of the allegory.  Our teacher collected some quotes about the various aspects of the allegory.  One such quote was about "dunging" which - if you are well versed in the English language you can get an idea of what dunging implies.  I really liked the quote so I thought I would share it with you all.

It's from Harold W. Wood (...I don't know who he is either):

I saw a wheat field that appeared to be greener and taller than the others.  Thinking about it for awhile, I concluded that occasionally some loving farmer drives over the field with his tractor and pumps manure all over it.  I thought, "My, it's just like life.  Here we are minding our own business, growing out little hearts out.  We're really quite green somewhat productive and very sincere.  When out of the blue, life deals us a dirty one, and we're up to our eyebrows in manure.  We, of course, conclude that life as we have known it has just ended and will never be the same again.  But one day, when the smell and the shock are gone, we find ourselves greener and more productive than we have been.' Unfortunately, no matter how often we go through these growing experiences, we are never able to appreciate the sound of the tractor or the smell of the manure.

I suppose I liked this quote because it was a funny way to describe something that really happens to us.  I think when life throws us curve balls we may really feel like we are up to our eyebrows in manure.  And I certainly don't know of anyone who, when they find themselves in the midst of manure says, "Oh yea! Another growing experience!" It probably more like, "This stinks! Get me out of here!"

Well, hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

It's me, Jessica!*

I know a bit about loneliness - I think at times a lot of us know more about it than we'd ever like to.  I've been traditionally lonely, where I don't have a soul around me.  I've also been the kind of lonely where I am surrounded by people but they feel so far away.  Most of my life I have felt some type of loneliness.  It's okay - it builds character (and I feel I have a lot of that). 

In the scriptures we read that there must be opposition in all things.  Light cannot exist without the dark, good without the evil, happiness without sadness, etc.  If we don't know the one, we can't really know/comprehend the other. 

As you can tell from my incredibly vague blog post a few posts back, I haven't exactly been in the cheeriest place in my life (in fact - I am under the impression that 2012 sucks...).  I have lost something very dear to me, something I worry I will never get back.  That brings on tidal waves of sadness.  But the thing I love about life is that waves come and go, tides rise and fall.  And even when you think you are all alone, when you think that no one wants to be around you (because let's face it, you're kind of a downer) there is good to be found if you will only open your eyes to see it.

Sometimes (going back to opposition) we would never notice how lucky we are if we didn't have patches in our lives where we think we have lost "everything". 

Over the last week I have received comfort from friends all over the country.  A text message here or there, an offer to come visit them (some to come live with them) so I can get away for a while, an e-mail or two,  once I even got flowers!  I feel like I have been a selfish brat because for the most part, I didn't realize how blessed I am.  I sat here thinking I'm all alone, but I'm not.  Friends who I think have forgotten me have not - and though many of them are miles away, they still do what they can to show that they care.  Friends here in Richmond have been great too (where do you think the flowers came from?) and sometimes I take for granted how great they are because I feel like they are always there.

So basically, I just wanted to write to say that I have the world's greatest friends (don't worry - this includes family).  I feel I should take a moment to thank all of my friends - you all are amazing, beautiful people who have blessed my life and continue to bless my life more than you could imagine.  Each of you has helped in shaping me into the person I am, and the person I am becoming.  I aspire to be the same kind of friend that you are to me.  Thank you!

I heard he wears make-up.*

I have found a new love.

Spray paint

When I painted the roommate's bathroom, I kept thinking that the little white cabinet on there wall needed something more.  It certainly needed a bath, but I'm also not a fan of things being painted white (didn't realize this until recently). 

Forever and day ago, I bought a can of brown spray paint to spice up that little cabinet.  I came home, put it in the laundry closet and then forgot about it...completely.  Until this weekend, I was cleaning up said laundry closet and noticed it (it was in plain sight too...).  So I got the screwdriver, took down the cabinet and went out back to paint.  It was stinky, and I thought I would kill myself with the fumes, but it was a lot of fun.

I let it dry for a good long time, then I put it back up in the bathroom on Sunday night.  It's on there straight, the phone taking the picture might be a little off....I really need to find my camera, I miss having a flash.

Marwage, it's what brings us here togever, today.*

Friday I had the opportunity to go to a good friend's (Jimothy) wedding.

My "cousin", Daniel, picked me up at 7:30 and I had the pleasure of basically spending all day with him.  We didn't have to be in D.C. until about 10:30 but Daniel didn't want to be late and he wanted to grab some grand breakfast somewhere.  We were going to stop along the way, but the risk of being late was too great....we ending up eating at the Safeway by the Temple.  I thought they would have breakfast selections since it was 9:30 in the morning, but they already had their chicken out...when in Rome...

The trip was good and all through the day I was Tweeting what I call "Daneilisms".  Just things he would say that made me kind of laugh and thought the world should know.  So, in case you don't tweet or follow me, here they are:

"I don't have anxiety problems but I get anxiety problems if you know what I mean."

"I know my women, Jessica."

"Hope you don't mind listening to the same song over and over.  I think if you like a song you should listen to it until you gt tired of it."

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." (Said as we listened to the same song for the sixth time - also said again around the eleventh time).

(said over the phone to a friend who got caught in traffic and wasn't sure if it would be rude to come so late - note: 95 North was closed due to a suicidal maniac - crazy) "I think you should come, hug them, and leave...they'll love it"

"You know what's sad? People make fun of guys who listen to boy bands."

"I want you to know that I am swerving but I'm aware."

...then my phone died - so many Danielisms were lost.

On to the wedding.  They were sealed together in the Washington, D.C. temple.  Then around 5 they had a ring ceremony for those members of their family and friends who were not able to attend the sealing.  My camera is still lost (first in the air) so it's more pictures with the iPhone.

Then there was another break for pictures I guess, the rest of us hung out inside the clubhouse and I drank Shirley temples yum-o) Actually, I had one.  I'm no lush.  But when I went back for my second the bartender, Ryan, already had me down.  He said, "Shirley Temple".  I must have been the only one who got one of those.

Then Mr. and Mrs. Jimothy "arrived" from outside.  The sun was crazy and the it was an iPhone - so I apologize for the photo quality.

We FINALLY got to eat.  I was so tired and hungry.  Aside from breakfast I hadn't eaten because Daniel didn't want to spoil his appetite for the fancy dinner.  I got the chicken and it was very good (I usually don't like fancy chicken).  Daniel said we could go after we got cake...so I couldn't help but laugh when cake took forever to get there!  We finally left at 10:30 and had an hour and half drive still (hence the "swerving" Danielism).

The whole thing was so beautiful!  I thought it was very well done and you could tell that they really love each other.  It was a little had given my state of mind on Friday, to be at a wedding talking about love and finding the person you want to spend eternity with.  It was also bittersweet because Jim is moving to Australia now and I kept reminding myself that Friday was the last time I'll probably ever see him.  Jimothy has been such a good friend to me and we've had tons of fun together.  I'm so happy that he has found the love of his life and she is so lucky to have such an amazing guy.  I mean...he's moving to Australia for her! I'm wondering if I could get a guy to stay in Richmond, VA for me...lucky :P

Congratulations Jim and Emily!

I just have a lot of feelings.*

Monday night I went to FHE...this is unusual for me.  I'm not really a fan of FHE.  I have my times when I go regularly and then times where I get frustrated and stop going.  I think right now is a time to start going...but we'll see how long that feeling lasts.

We had an excellent lesson on the Atonement.  I had heard good things about the lesson the week before which, in preparation for Easter, had been about Christ, the Resurrection and the Atonement.  But the lesson was apparently too much for one evening, so this past Monday was the conclusion.  As I said, the lesson was excellent.  The teacher started out by asking us several semi-personal questions.  "What is it like to be alone" for example (I can't remember the others). 

It got me thinking about a lot of things.  I have had a difficult past couple of weeks.  Much of it, if not all, I bring on myself.  That's usually how it works with me.  Some people just find their lives have curve balls and wonder where those came from...for me it's like I have a clone, with an excellent pitching arm, and she's the source. 

Lately, I have felt as though I have stumbled and fallen and that every time I start to pull myself up I get knocked back to the ground.  We had General Conference a few weeks ago and I was feeling pretty good after that.  Then it was back to the real world for a week.  Then I had a good conversation with a friend of mine who kind of reminded me that things are never as bad as we perceive them...so don't give up.   I was feeling good again.  Today is not a feel good day.

Today I am combating feelings of regret, anger, loneliness, hopelessness, and worst of all, confusion.  Regret because it's my own fault I feel this way.  Anger, because I'd rather blame someone else. Loneliness because I foolishly am thinking that no one else knows how I feel.  Hopelessness because I am beginning to doubt that anyone will ever truly want me.  And confusion because words don't fit actions, don't fit feelings, and don't make sense. 

I have never been one to be naturally gifted in the art of hoping for things, in believing that there is something better out there than what I already have, or what I have had in the past.  Hope is something I have always had to roll up my sleeves and work for.  Through the past couple of years I have gained adequate faith in certain areas of my life that it will be okay.  Experience has taught me that, heartaches have taught me that, just as turning on a light switch teaches me that the light will come on - and even if that light doesn't come on, there's a way to repair that.  The human body can repair itself, leaving scars as reminders, but the pain dissipates over time.  I believe that the human soul, the personality, the "heart" can do the same.  You just have to endure the pain for a little while.

As I am trying to work through my emotions, I keep thinking about that lesson.  The Atonement has come to mean so much more to me than just what someone applies when they've sinned.  At many different times in my adult life I have applied the Atonement to an aching heart, a bruised ego, a stumbling block in my personal progression.  In addition to Monday's lesson, a million different church talks are running through my mind.  The following quotes fit throughout the blog, but I almost felt like just putting them all together...it can be a game, match the quote with the thought...just kidding.  I won't award points for that. Sorry.

Elder Neil L. Anderson said in his talk, 'Repent That I May Heal You':

At this very moment, someone is saying, “Brother Andersen, you don’t understand. You can’t feel what I have felt. It is too difficult to change.”

You are correct; I don’t fully understand. But there is One who does. He knows. He has felt your pain. He has declared, “I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.” The Savior is there, reaching out to each of us, bidding us: “Come unto me.”

This talk is about repentance (obviously) but when he says, "it is too difficult to change" I feel like it can be applied to any change in our lives, not just changing a habit within ourselves. 


Something a little more recent.  Elder Holland's talk just a few weeks ago, "The Laborers in the Vineyard":

Whether you are not yet of our faith or were with us once and have not remained, there is nothing in either case that you have done that cannot be undone. There is no problem which you cannot overcome. There is no dream that in the unfolding of time and eternity cannot yet be realized. Even if you feel you are the lost and last laborer of the eleventh hour, the Lord of the vineyard still stands beckoning

I love Holland, so here’s another one.  From "Remember Lot's Wife" about not dwelling on the past:

I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterday however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future -- faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot's wife is to say she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord's ability to give her something better than she had. Apparently she thought, fatally as it turned out, that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind.

And lastly - a letter by Lildonbro (me) to a dear friend.  A way for me to eat my words and practice what I preach (with a quote by Neal A. Maxwell):

There is a talk by Elder Maxwell (But for a Small Moment) and he says, "The cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy". Sometimes I feel like there are people who can carve out cavities in our souls and in our hearts, and while "carving" doesn't seem like the most pleasant thing (because it's not) they leave that cavity and that cavity becomes a choice for us. We can choose to board it up as best as we can and keep people out, or we can choose to look for someone who will fill it. Because I believe that those people who started carving had intended to fill it but life doesn't always go the way we plan. We get bumped and bruised and carved even, but in the end, we are to have joy. I hope you find someone to fill your cavity, someone to bring joy where once there was pain."

The point of this entry was simply to post some of my favorite quotes, quotes that I hope will slowly help me to "repair".  But I thought I'd give you yet another incredibly vague look into the "real Lildonbro".  I hope it wasn't too scary.

I Saw and Opportunity and I Seized It.*

Happy belated Easter!! 

Yesterday I went to my parent's house (usual Sunday activity) and my siblings had orchestrated an Easter egg hunt for the children.

I can't find my camera (again) so the pictures are from my phone....and I took a lot of Ava...oops.

We tried to get a picture with all the kids.  Heather may have some better photos - I just took them in rapid fire succession because some of the kids weren't too excited about having a group photo taken (i.e. Jake and Olivia - and Ava wasn't upset - but she sure isn't interested).

After all the kids were done - Ava wanted to find more eggs.  So I took some from her bucket and re-hid them. Except that she would follow me, so she knew where they were.  Ryan took one while I took another so we could legitimately hide one for her.  Then Ryan even found one that none of the kids had seen.  So...go Ryan.

I hope everyone enjoyed their Easter!

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone it - people like me!*

Some days I feel; fat, ugly, not good enough.  Some days I eat my emotions.  Some days I worry that I have made the wrong decision.  Some days I doubt that there is something better, something worth the sacrifices made in life.

I have had one of those weeks/months/years that really test you.  I suppose that I pictured my life being a little different as I approached thirty.  I don't even have a cat, I always thought I would have at least one cat when I grew up.  Turns out I might like dogs more.  I know that most girls/women have issues with their self image, with their confidence, I know I am no different...nor should I expect to be. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself that it will all be okay.  I have been here before; I have lost love, lost friends, felt down about myself, felt alone, doubted my decisions.  In all these instance I have come out okay, many times better than I was before.  That's the great thing about life and experience.  It teaches us that nothing that happens is truly "the end of our lives".  We are survivors, we overcome, and we move forward. It doesn't mean we don't glance at the past from time to time and wish things had gone differently, but it means we don't dwell on the past so much that we miss the life we are living here and now.

I may not feel as good/happy/optimistic right now as I have in the past, but I know that those feelings are on the horizon.  They are coming, I just have to keep working on "now" so I can get there.  And if I didn't have down days - how would I know how to recognize the exceptional days? 

The video below is one that I saw in Institute one evening.  The best part - it's called "Jessica's Affirmations" (if the link doesn't work - look it up on YouTube - it's worth it).  I needed a smile so I watched the video again today and a thought occurred to me.  What kind of person would I be if I did this every morning (maybe not as exuberantly as this little girl)?   Certainly my life would be a little better everyday if I woke up and thought of just a handful of things that I love.

So that's what I am going to do - for the next week I'm going to try it out and see how it goes.

Enjoy the video - that kid is great.

Hey, maybe there's a little man in there who looks just like you but he's really good at running.*

Saturday was the 10k.  I was incredibly nervous because I didn't train as much as I had hoped.  I had nightmares the night before and was super groggy the morning off.  But the chilly air knocked that out of me.

So - here are pictures



the crowd to the side (mostly the warm up area



Kat and Luke - we decided to just wait for our wave to come to us



These people actually ran in this thing.  They were a few waves before me (basically about 10 or so minutes ahead) and I passed them at mile 2, looking a little lopsided and maybe wishing they hadn't done that.




The three of us - I went behind them and ducked a little so we'd all look the same height




We noticed some kid was planning to run this thing barefoot!! I wouldn't do it - they may clean the road before the race, I don't know, but I wouldn't trust city streets.



My name was in the sidewalk!



Kat - smelling the excellent biscuits



This is why I run



Luke's plate - he doesn't like eggs.

My official time for the race was 1:01:40 - that's for 6.2 miles...I'm happy with that.  It makes me think that maybe next year I could do this in an hour or less...we'll see!

The crowd to the back