I'm not a police officer, I'm a princess!*

The best news I can offer right now? My class ends tonight! Finally! Last week was really boring because we were reviewing everything the only problem…she was going through the books, telling us what to highlight…and we did all of that already. Tonight is more of the same, but I’m hoping/praying it goes faster. I am glad that the class will be over, but I am going to miss the girls at my table. They are awesome and I am thinking of seeing if they want to get together once a month just to catch up and stay in touch…sentimental…not my style, but we’ll see how it goes. In the end though, no matter what I say, we’ll lose touch (I’m such a realist).

I am headed out to Ohio tomorrow morning before the sun rises...considering how early I have been getting up lately I will laugh if I am unable to wake up when I want need to tomorrow... I still have to pack. Today at the end of work everyone was stopping by and telling me to have a good vacation. Whenever someone stopped by I felt like they were saying goodbye and there was this weird feeling that I couldn't place, and then it hit me, it's the feeling you get when it's your last day at a job...for forever. I am coming back, but the way people are acting it's like I quit. They are going to miss me for the next week - no one knows how to do my job...muhahaha. But seriously, it wasn't from a lack of me trying to teach them, some people just don't bring their listening/learning ears to work with them.

If You Wish It.* (not to be confused with "As You Wish")

So here is why you don't fall asleep past one o'clock in the a.m. in your room with the lights on. You wake up panicked and like you are late, or maybe like no time has passed at all, to find out that it is a little before 6:00 a.m. and because of the way you woke up, you can't fall asleep again - then you end up turning to your blog and writing a run-on sentence.

Happy Saturday folks. If the weather holds the maiden lawn mowing shall occur today...yes - I will mow MY lawn for the first time. I hope I can remember how to operate the weed whacker.

Please no gang signs, I'm kidding, throw it up.*

I am not dead. I repeat I am not dead. I have been very busy, in life as well as work. A new goal for me was to stop blogging at work, stop reading blogs at work, pretty much, stop wasting company time. I made that goal yesterday...so you can see how good I am with goals. But I realized that I haven't written in a while and there were so many things I meant to write about. I probably won't write while I'm in Ohio either, so I didn't want to leave you guys hanging.

Friday night we had the CHAMPIONSHIP BASKETBALL GAME! ...and we lost. Since we were the team from the winner's bracket that meant we played again Saturday morning. This is when we made up for it, we didn't make up for it well, but we in the end, the right team won. We beat the other team by 6 points. I only had two bruised knee caps, a cracked chest, a slight concussion, and I'm happy to report, very little blood shed. I have decided that I can't shoot, and defense is probably my forte. It was a good feeling. It was a good season, we had our usual drama, but we are a bunch of single girls (except Steph...she's married) so that is to be expected.

Maybe next year we'll get real shirts so Arthur will stop saying we look like we just went to a yard sale.

The car is back. I got him (p.s. his name is Stewie) to the dealership on Monday morning...where they told me that the crank position sensors were not what was recalled, rather it was oil consumption. Oil consumption? So they checked that, meaning that they did an oil change, meaning all that money I put into an oil change they undid. I had a nice, week old filter in there, I had synthetic oil, who knows what they put in. The crank position sensors cost me an additional...over $300. Okay, scratch that, the sensors cost an additional $150 or so...and the rest was labor...oh and $5 tax. The part that bug was when he told me my total he said, "It will be about $300, well, $360 with tax." Yeah, I can see where that tax made the price jump.

So the sensor apparently, from my understanding, stop working because oil gets in them. So if the recall was on oil consumption and oil got into my sensors...wouldn't that be covered? If I had more moxie I would have asked it right then and there. New goal - learn enough about cares to tell when someone is trying to pull one over on me. There is a special place for people who act so kind and caring but are really lying underneath it all...he may not have been, but I'm just saying.

So the guy brings my car around and says it runs like a new car and without thinking I say, "It'd better!" He doesn't know how much time and money has already gone in to it. But it does run like a new car, I had no idea that the tires could make such a different too, the speed bump at work...really just a bump. Didn't feel like that before, felt like I was off roading in Idaho.

Okay that is all. I promise, no more talk about Stewie. It's over and done with.

Carpe Dentum... seize the teeth*

The adventures I am having with my car...let me tell you. Oh wait, I already have been telling you. It's okay, because I believe that in the end my car will be such a well oiled machine that it will feel like I am floating across the roads (even the pot hole ridden 295 and Hillard Road). It makes me think of the C.S. Lewis quote about the living house. Yes, it really does believe it or not.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."


Ahem...


Dear Altima,


Imagine yourself as a living car. My friends and mechanics come in to fix the car. At first, perhaps you'll understand, you needed that transmission fluid and the oil change. It was obvious that those needed to be done so that's okay. But then they start to mess around with the air filter and cleaning out the whole system, causing you to cough and sputter for hours on end. They took away your lifelong battery friend and replaced it with a slighter shorter battery. Why on earth would they think this would make you better? The reason is that we aren't just fixing you up to run at a mediocre level, but we are making you into an efficient, top performing vehicle that we plan to drive for years to come.

Okay, maybe not quite the same.

The mechanic called today. They were able to change the Serpentine belt, but the real problem lies in the crank position sensors. Turns out that there was a recall, when this recall was I have no clue...I hope it was recently so I don't seem like a moron.

So I call the Nissan Dealership and while I'm on the phone with them the mechanic calls back. Tires need replacing (only three though...I guess getting that new one a few years ago might save me a little money for the time being). So I called them back, they are going to put new tires on today and get back to me, I have an 8:15 a.m. appointment at the Nissan Dealership on Monday to drop of my car to get the Crank Position Sensors replaced...so hopefully I can pick up my car today (or at least pay for it and get it tomorrow) and drop it off Monday morning.

All in all, not bad. Surprisingly I'm not all that worried about it. Even though in the end the only problem might have been getting the crank position sensors replaced (for free) along the way I got the oil change, the transmission working properly, found out my battery was dying and got a new one, found out the serpentine belt was cracking and got a new one, got new tires, cleaned out the air filtration system (none of that stuff was free) but I learned a lot about my car. Once everything is done I can again drive it with confidence and not have that feeling that I am going to get stuck in some parking lot, or on the side of the road. Just in time for a nice long drive to Ohio.

And it's scented! I think it gives it a little something extra

In college my dad once told me that with me it's either my health or my car. I believed this thoughtology for a long time. Here's why...during college I had issues, I was accident prone and my cars were allergic to functioning properly. I can't remember in chronological order, but I will try my best.

• The transmission in my Hyundai Excel died
• I broke my foot and sprained my ankle
• The rear view window of my hatchback was shattered (darn movie in the park!)
• My car's engine went kaput
• I sliced my finger open and needed 5 stitches
• My car was totalled by an 16 year old repeat offender without car insurance
• I got second degree burns on my feet

After that though things seemed to get better. I would like to thank my mom and my dad for all the financial support through those troubling times. I would like to thank my health insurance, worker's comp, and car insurance for making it all financially possible. Safeco insurance...I still hold a grudge for how you treated me.

Anyway, that wasn't my intent when I began this blog. I just wanted to fill you in on the adventures for today. I have decided that all things are now adventures, life is more exciting that way. Especially because today I got an e-mail from my B.L. asking me if I had a chance to look into something (the rest of the e-mail) but this is the first time I had seen the e-mail. My first reaction was one of severe violence...how can I look into something I knew nothing about? But then I decided that dealing with B.L. is an adventure. Scary, unpredictable, and leaves me crying for my mom...like some kind of whacked out roller coaster.

Again...not my intent. So today I take my car to the mechanic. I don't know why mechanics make me so nervous. Maybe it's because they speak a foreign language and therefore can take advantage of me. Also, I find mechanics difficult to understand when speaking to them on the phone. It's like they are under the car...all the time. They don't bother to enunciate their words, I am left wondering if they have used Mechaniese or if they have just mumbled English. I don't like to ask them to repeat themselves because then they just sound agitated. I made it through my conversation this morning though. I missed something in the beginning, I think it was something like, "As long as you have a car" when I asked if I could drop it off. Either way, it was a snide remark - it was either, "You can drop one off if you have one" or it was, "you can drop it off, but you should probably have a way to leave because we aren't getting to it today." I have a car, either way, so we are fine. I think once we established this we were off to a better conversation. I told him how I changed the battery, oil, transmission fluid, but it was still starting hard, so I wanted them to check the alternator and the spark plugs, oh yeah and I needed to have the serpentine belt changed. I think kind of speaking the language made him like me better. His mood steadily improved as we spoke. I feel good about this now. Now, as long as I keep this up when I drop of the car I can maintain their respect and avoid any unnecessary charges.

I can do this *Breaths deep* I can be an adult - the biggest adventure so far.

You've got numb tongue?*

Today's adventure takes us to the dentist.

First off, I forgot about the dentist. I didn't write it in my planner six months ago when I made the appointment because six months ago I didn't have any 2010 material in my planners. I didn't remember that they called last week to reschedule my appointment (even though I tried to call back) and this morning I don't know if I forgot, or if somehow I thought I would get out of it because I didn't plan on going today. I even had lunch plans with the former boss lady. I called the dentist this morning telling them it was perfectly alright if they needed to reschedule me. But my reschedule was for half an hour earlier...not for a different day. So I blocked off the time on my calendar, texted F.B.L. to let her know I needed to reschedule and I went to the dentist.

I went to the dentist knowing full well I needed work done. I chipped a tooth...some time ago, I can't be expected to remember these insignificant details. The worst part is...when I went in back in October I had a chipped tooth, lower left. This time, it was upper left, but a chipped tooth all the same. The culprit you may ask?

These guys:

The best part is that my dentist said, "Those aren't for chewing." and I said, "I know, but it can't be done." Then he said, "You're probably too young to remember these commercials, but..." and he described the Tootsie Roll Pop "How many licks does it take" commericial. Um, yes, I remember those commercials, but I am flattered that you think I am too young to.

I have since given up lifesavers and for that matter, all hard candy. It's not worth the expense should something happen to your teeth. Anyway, my benevolent dentist went ahead and took care of that for me. He was in a rather good mood too, so I don't know why I was so scared to tell him. He numbed up my mouth rather quickly and got to work. Then the hygienist polished my teeth. She had the suction thing and the water thing (technical terms there) and I don't swallow that crap - so she said, "Okay you can close your mouth." So I did, but it was a bit of a struggle, it was weird, I've never felt like my mouth was so full of water without feeling it in there. I got my mouth closed and the suction thing did it's job. She went back to work and then we repeated the process. However, this time as I attempted to close my lips around the suction tool water squirted out of my mouth like a fountain. We were both surprised, but I think being the one with cold water hitting my face and shoulder and going down my shirt I was in the end, the most surprised...and embarrassed. I told her it must be the numb tongue because I've never had that happen to me before. Never.

It's a week of firsts for me (I haven't mentioned the first from Sunday, but I think I will keep it that way).

Anyway, so I still can't feel half my tongue and talking is as uncomfortable as it is when your ears are clogged and you think you're yelling. Except I feel like people might think I went drinking at lunch, which the paranoia makes me speak softer. I haven't eaten because who eats before the dentist...and who eats right after the dentist? I have some crackers and I'm thinking of smashing them up and sprinkling the cracker dust into my mouth. But somehow I feel like that won't do anything for the hunger pains. Best to maintain as much dignity as the week will allow.

I have no response to that.*

This weekend was great. I dropped my car off with my brother-in-law's brother (or my sister's brother-in-law) so he could fiddle with it and get it to run again. He changed the oil, flushed the engine, something with the air filter and transmission. All of this work and it runs so smoothly...but the battery decided it wanted some attention to so it became what the guy at Auto Zone calls, "A dead cell." Pretty much it can start or it cannot start, which I guess were it's options all along, but now it was erring more on the side of not starting. On the advice of my B.I.L.B. (Brother-in-law's Brother) I did not purchase a battery at Auto Zone, rather I was going straight from work to purchase one from Sears (a Die Hard and who doesn't like Bruce Willis?) I knew my car wouldn't start this afternoon. Time had been on my side too long, my cell phone is sitting somewhere on my bed at home, and I'm a staunch believer of Murphy's Law. But no sweat, I still have my parent's number memorized and I knew someone would be home. As I type my dad/hero is on the way to save the day.
I figure once this battery is replaced I am good to go for a while...except I need a new serpentine (SP?) belt, some kind of shaft, and I should get new tires before I go to O-Hio and then I am good.

Who's Lying Now?!*

Happy Friday. And more importantly, Happy 300th post!!!! I didn't know it was coming, I noticed yesterday's post brought me to 299 and was like, "what?" So I decided to do something special for the 300th post....blog buck madness!!

I realize I haven't done this is a while so just to reiterate the rules:

1. You can only answer two (note: since I have comment moderation on you can answer any one that doesn't have a name next to it, this means that two people can get points for the same one because they wouldn't have seen each other's answers...once a name is on there you won't get points for it).
2. No fighting, back biting, scheming, making you own tribes and voting other followers off of the blog. ...wait a second, wrong set of rules.
3. I don't remember any other rules.

10 points

1. I'm at the top of my game.* (Joanna)
2. You're a flower you are. A little desert flower.*
3. What in our history together makes you think I'm capable of doing that?*
4. How about this, a tribe of asparagus children but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells.* (Sarah, Sarah Lou, Amber, Aaron)

20 points

1. Gorignac.* (Joanna)
2. Apparently they give a lot fewer D+ then D-, it's not a grade they like to give out.*
3. You keep a horse in your basement!?* (Joanna, Amber)

Blog Bucks of Postings Past (30 points)

1. I'll be monitoring your frequencies.* (Amber)
2. He was...Asian* (Joanna)
3. Isn't she sassy? And yet a little sad.*

Something Amazing I guess.*

Hello old foe,

We meet again. Just when you think it is safe, you think you are in the clear and that you can avoid the unwanted little bugger for a while, something else comes up. That's always the way it goes. If it's not phone screens it's reference checks. Reference checks? I haven't done those in almost a year. I don't know how or when they stopped, I think it was after the new Boss Lady came. Suddenly we were hiring people and then I was doing background checks (I used to do them before we hired someone), and then as time went on I was asked to do background checks sans references. Needless to say, I didn't complain, I hate the phone, the phone is not our friend. For a while I was even spared calling people to set up interviews, because we were working through recruiters I was told what day to schedule the interview and then to send the confirmation e-mail to the recruiter who would send it on to the candidate. Sweet, short-lived bliss.

Yesterday I was asked to do references again. Talk about rusty skills...I haven't even been oiling them because I thought we sent them to the junk yard. So now, today, I have to do phone screens, references, and scheduling. When it rains it pours my friends, doggedly pours. They might as well drag me downstairs to the Blood Drive going on and coerce me to give my life force. Gag.

In other office mishaps...my favorites on Internet Explorer have disappeared. That's the equivalent of your contacts being wiped out on your cell phone. ...I feel so lost.

Thank goodness we're in the countdown for vacation. I need a break!

He was...Asian*

I recently set my blog to have comment moderation. I mean very recently. I don't know if anyone ever noticed but there was some Japanese or Chinese character (the name was really characters, or symbols) leaving inappropriate comments. Well, the comments were fairly neutral, it was the "...." link afterwards that was inappropriate. To avoid anyone accidentally discovering these comments before I had a chance to delete them I decided to protect my readers in advance. As much as I don't like comment moderation, I did it for the greater good...as much as I don't like doing things for the greater good. Wow, I've really compromised my standards lately.

Anyway, the first post to be affected by this was the last post. I had written it and then eagerly awaited some comment from someone...even if only to get the blog bucks, but alas...nothing.

This morning I still had no word from anyone and was beginning to think that burning Doritos was a fairly unpopular topic. I signed into blogger with the sole purpose of writing another blog entry, something better, something amazing, something to cover the stench of defeat. But then I saw it, on the dashboard page, "7 comments need moderation". That was exciting. So I didn't get e-mails and comments weren't showing up on the blog...but they were there. I liked the bulk delivery and it truly made me feel loved.

As an add on to the last post, Elaina mentioned that we needed to date so that we didn't spend Saturday nights doing reckless activities. I told her that I wouldn't want to date someone that stunted my sense of adventure, but rather someone who would light that chip on fire and risk their own arm hairs so I wouldn't have to. Deep down I know Elaina wants the same thing, until then though, she'll have to do. Kidding, I meant she wants the same kind of person for herself...not that she wants me to replace her, but it would probably be safer for her if I did (but only in the reckless adventure arena).

So it's already Wednesday. As Tami reminded me last night I have 20 days until I head up North to O-HIO. I am excited...but I keep forgetting. That's how I am though when I travel. I know it's coming, but then life is so day-to-day (365 days a year...I don't have things like Spring Break, Summer Break, or Christmas Break to help...uh...well, to help break it up "redundant!" (said like Strong Bad when he says "Cerebellum!")) that I forget easily until someone says they want to do something and I realize I won't be here. But I am excited guys...now I just need to find my camera - I think I left it at my parent's house this weekend. Blurg.*

I'd like to tell you that you smell of pee. You look like the wrong end of a dog.*

Something I learned this weekend is that Doritos burn pretty well. I think that if the end of the world came and we go out the route of ice, you should stock up on Doritos. They burn forever. It all started Saturday night, well, back that thing up...it start Thursday night. I was talking to Suds and he said that it was either nacho Doritos or cool ranch that burn a cool color if you set them on fire. I had wanted to go to the store right then and buy some Doritos, but it was late and I had to work in the morning.

So Saturday night I mention to Elaina what Suds told me about the Doritos, she so happened to have some Nacho Cheese ones in her cupboard and I so happened to have a box of matches....to the sink! Elaina lit the chip on fire and held it out over the sink, we waited, and waited, and waited some more but nothing cool happened. Defeated Elaina tossed the burning chip into the sink where it landed on a plate filled with water...and apparently grease from that morning's Pancake Breakfast. That's when the exciting thing happened. Alas, I only heard it, I had turned my back, but there was the roar of the fire, the curse escaping Elaina's lips and the absence of her arm hair. I imagine it looked just like in "A Civil Action" when the kids throw fire into the chemically infested river and it blows up. That's what happened in our kitchen sink.

Last night I snagged a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos from my class and brought them home. I was excited because since the Nacho Cheese were duds it was certainly the Cool Ranch that would provide the show. I waited til the Dorito's flaming* and then I set it in the sink (I didn't want to lose any arm hairs). The only thing spectacular was that the Dorito burned for forever. I finally put it out, but that's when I decided that I need to stock up on Doritos, it could very well save my life one day.

I'll be monitoring your frequencies.*

Yesterday I decided to take a walk around my neighborhood, as I turned the corner and began to make my way from one side of the road to the next I failed to check behind me. There had been a car coming down the road and they were able to stop, however, before they could they may or may not (but may) have bumped into me. I now have a cast up to my knee, a pretty nasty looking wound hiding under a bandage on my right arm and the doctor's had my roommates keep me under observation all night due to the concussion. The good news is the driver was pretty cute and single and whether for insurance purposes or a date, I snagged a phone number. Go me.

There is only one downside to this story (aside from the obvious physical pain)...it's that you should probably take a look at your calendar. What day is it? That's right, it's April Fool's Day. Sorry folks, it's lame and it's my only prank because to be honest I'm not very good with the pranks.

So...let's have a rundown of pranks pulled on me.

I think the last, successful and memorable prank pulled on me would be the April Fool's of....2005? I think. I went to Washington State for Spring Break. We met up with Tami who right away started to take us around on her errands (Tami's a very errand based individual, she likes to be on the go (at least did, I don't know now). As we were driving she kept telling us about her boyfriend and how she thought he might be the one. Being the jerk of a friend I am (and I am a jerk - that's a different post) I was like, "Are you sure? I mean that's what you said about Ben" the last boyfriend I heard about, the year before. Kick myself, and yet, not because in the end this was all an elaborate ploy.

The whole day is jammed packed, it doesn't matter that we just drove from Idaho and am tired. We met the guy, whose name I can't remember and he proceeded to make us think that he was a good fit for our dear friend. We hung out with her whole group and at one point "the boyfriend" got us alone and asked the two of us (there were two of us who came) to help him propose to Tami. We were excited to say the least and took a million pictures and I believe even a video. We went to the after party at a friend's house and all of her friends were in on it and talking about how excited they were and blah, blah. Tami finally shows up with the guy and all I could think was, "Poor Russell" and "That ring looks like it's from Wal-Mart"...but having been the jerk of the friend at the beginning of the day I kept that to myself. I finally got myself okay with the idea of her being engaged when she stood up in the room and apologized to Kristin and me...for what? Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's was April 1st, that little...

The worst part, she wasn't even dating the guy, I thought at least they were dating. But no, she had fooled me even with that.

There are probably a lot of details I am missing, but my mind is scattered and that was a long time ago. But there you have it, the most elaborate joke ever played on me. It's the mother of all April Fool's jokes and I have been trying to plot revenge ever since...

In other news. The other day I got an invoice from the people who shred our paperwork (yes, we have people who shred our paperwork) and on the second page it read this (just like this):

Certificate of Destruction

I liked that. I am going to start using this...I am a threatening and destructive individual. See, I have my Certificate of Destruction to prove it.