Thursday, June 28, 2012

Feelings. Nothing more than feelings*

Some days are harder than others. Some days you feel pain more acutely or old wounds are raw (ladies, let’s admit it, some days you are just emotional for no apparent reason). That's been the past week or so - I cried when I saw "Brave", I cried when I thought about my life in the next year or so, I got angry when I was asked on a date, etc., etc., etc.  I wish it wasn't that way because I'm the type of person who just wants to be okay all the time. I'm also the type of person who feels like I have to fix everything myself, so...that kind of makes things suck more (I know I don’t have to – I’ve got that half of the battle down). Lately I've been trying to root certain things out of my life and I've been trying to keep the "Master Gardener" on call for help.

A few months ago, as some of you recall, I was working in my yard. I had some deep rooted plants that were a pain to get out. Sweat dripped down my face, I grew light headed, and I even had help at points from a friend to try and dig up these plants (roots and all). I grew impatient at times I hacked away with the shovel, used a hand saw to try and tear it down, and eventually, we got it out.

I find that my emotions are the same. Some of them are deep rooted, entwined with months of habit, some of them have slowly snuck up on me and I didn't realize they were there until I was faced with something. I've been really angry, I kind of noticed this when I was swinging a shovel at a baby tree with all I had. That's neither here nor there - the point is, I've realized that I am angry. Part of me thinks I need to hold on to the anger to get other emotions in check. The other part of me knows I need to let go of it. I get impatient with myself, I want to change something about me and then I think it should be as easy as making the decision, but lasting change never comes that easily. The other night I was upset because I'm not "there" yet, I'm not where I want to be. Then I thought, "but that's ok". I'm not there yet, but that's ok.

I liked working in my yard, it was hard and I almost passed out a few times from overexertion, it was long and I lost patience a few times, but I stayed with it and the yard looked good afterwards. I know that’s how it will be with the work I’m doing on myself.

But the changes in the yard were short lived. I did all of that work and now the weeds are returning, the grass needs to be mowed, and the stupid stray cat is using my mulch for a litter box. It took a lot of work upfront and it takes more work for the upkeep. I think I'm personally the same. It's going to take a lot of work, and I'm going to be pretty darn proud of it for a while, but if I don't remember the upkeep I'll end up back where I started.

That was probably a really strange way to tell you how I feel and how I'm trying to work through it. But I've always enjoyed metaphors.

I'm just trying to be a better person and at times I get confused on the best way to do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking steps forwards and backwards at the same time. Ahead a little in this area but it cost a few steps back in another area. I know it will all balance out in the end, and that's what I need to remember, I need to have patience that sometimes it hurts when the changes are being made, but I’ll be the better for them in the end.

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