What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.*

I hate to beat a dead horse, and maybe this is why I had separate blogs before, but I’m going to do it again, I’m going to go the route of relationships. I’m a bit self critical of the fact that I can’t seem to “let it go” as far as trying to figure out how to make a relationship work – but I guess rationally I can’t give up on that because

1. I’m not in a relationship and

2. When I am in a relationship I’ll still need to know how to make it work

Lately I feel I have been preoccupied with the idea of marriage, not my own necessarily. Marriage is something that I think I want but at the same time, I’m desperately frightened of. Age settles things within you, like “snow” in a snow globe (like sand through the hour glass?*). In your youth the snow globe is constantly being shaken, and it’s fun and exciting that way, to have things constantly shaken. But as you get older, you want to put the snow globe on the shelf for “decoration only” and things begin to settle. Things get comfortable and pretty soon you don’t want it to be shaken...ever again. I’ve gotten comfortable with my own way of doing things – I’ve gotten comfortable with my relative freedom to do as I choose, go where I please, and make impulse purchases (like cars and cameras). The thought that someone could come along and shake things up again is scary.

The only thing that tops that fear is picturing me thirty years down the road surrounded by numerous, albeit large and friendly cats. I think that is the thought that worries me most– alone with cats - no one to talk to and to grow with.

I look at married couples and I don’t know how they did it. I find myself wondering how they knew that they wanted to marry the person they married. What qualities did they look for? Did they have any doubts? Fears? How did they manage to find the person they wanted to spend the rest of their life with…and how did they convince that person they wanted to do the same? I know that I wasn’t supposed to get married at a young age like others I know – I have felt myself grow so much not only from the time I was nineteen, but even in the last few months and years. I seem to grow best when I am alone and it makes me wonder if I can grow with someone. Experience tells me ‘no’ but hope is holding its breath for ‘yes’. Because, believe it or not, I don’t want to be that 60-year-old lady coming home to 7 cats named after punctuation marks.

So I am going to try something out. It could end as a banal curiosity into how this crazy thing called love works – because it could be my design to be single for the rest of my life (or at least the next 30 years). Either way, it is something I am interested in. So I am going to present at least five couples and “their story”. It will be a “Date Night” post, each Friday in the month of August. I will introduce you to four five couples (maybe more if people I like it. Just to see how love is found and how it is kept.  Plus - it does my heart good to read about real people who have made it work.

So I hope you enjoyed the "series".  I look forward to introducing you to five couples that I admire and respect and who, whether they know it or not, set a good example for me.

My coworker bought this for me last week - sweetest thing!

I love to see the Temple.

I had an incredible weekend!  It didn't start that way to be honest and I worried about how it would go - but one thing I was able to hang on to was that on Saturday I was going to the temple.

Friday was rough for me. In my last post I mentioned the story of the woman who said, "Lord, I'll supply the action if you supply the feeling."  I have been praying to be able to do just that, but it's funny, I prayed for it but I don't know if I really thought it would work - because when it happened, I was surprised.  I feel a little bit like the 12 apostles in the New Testament, who always seemed to be surprised when Christ was able to do something even though they were his disciples and said that they believed who he was.  Once again, the Lord has shown me that he can do all things - and sometimes I feel like he just helps me provide the action too.  I knew something was coming, and I had been trying to avoid it for quite some time now - but Friday there was no escape and then as it started I didn't think about anything but the other person and how hard it must have been for them to do what they were about to do.  So I took pity (not a normal emotion for me - I'm usually pretty self centered) and put that person at ease.  I went on and on for a good 20 minutes or so, putting that person at ease.  Then I left, got into my car, and cried.  I had done it, certainly not alone, but I had supplied the action and in the moment, I had the feeling.  But in my car, I was alone and I tried to process things, and I cried all the way to where I had been going that night in the first place.  I cried because I was hurt, I cried because I was surprised that the Lord made it so easy to forget myself in that moment, because in that moment someone else needed me to be stronger.  And then I cried because the feeling had been fleeting.  Now I just felt like crap.

I tried to think of who I could reach out to - who could calm me before I got to my destination - but, just as I mentioned a few posts ago, I found that I was alone.  There was no one to call or text, no one who could comfort me, except for the Lord.  So I wiped my eyes, said a prayer, and went into the boy's house (which is what I call the house of boys I hang out with - Christian, Chris, Nick, and on rare occasions, Ben).  I was there physically, but my mind was miles away, jumping from one thought to another.  I had one final moment where I hid my face from my friends and cried.  Then I tried to forget it all and enjoy hanging out.  

Saturday, Chris, Sureni and I went up to the Temple.  I tried to focus on the session, but I just couldn't.  There were so many things that were going on in my mind and I worried that I was wasting my trip because I couldn't pause the thoughts.  Then two things happened - first, they talked about the Savior and the crucifixion and I thought about how he suffered for us all, but more so, I thought about how he had suffered for me.  Then I heard the most beautiful prayer I have ever heard, it was not the sound of words to my ears, but feelings to my heart.  Not since the first time I went to the Temple have I cried during the prayer, and never like this.  I was grateful that people had their eyes closed.  It was as though harsh reality and comfort were mingled together.  The prayer ended and I was a mess - I wasn't sure I would be able to make it through the rest with how I felt, like I would burst into a million pieces.  But it wasn't pain, it was gratitude.  Gratitude swelled within my chest until I felt like I could no longer bear it, and my tears continued to come.  I felt as though the sting of all my grief was gone, in a matter of minutes it was swallowed up by the words and feelings of a good temple prayer. 

And the best part?  The feeling has extended beyond the Temple.  It made it home with me even through traffic on I-95.  Everything, and I mean everything before Saturday feels so far away, like it never even happened.  I know that it did, and I know how I felt - but those feelings are gone.  For anyone who doesn't believe in miracles still happening today, I testify that they do, and they can be as personal as we need them to be.  Because I know without a doubt that the comfort and peace I feel now are a personal miracle.  I know that the Savior suffered for my sins, my griefs, my tears, and I know that that is what makes it possible for him to help take them away.  I know that without a doubt, we are stronger with the Lord than we are on our own, and with his help we can do things we didn't think we were capable of doing.

That don't make NO sense!*

I'm going to apologize in advance, my left hand is insistent that words end with 's' even when there is no need and when it doesn't make sense.  Luckily my right hand is in charge of all deletion capabilities so hopefully I catch them all - but if not - please get over it.  Thank you.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness - doesn't help that last night our Institute teacher said to look for "daily bread" moments involving forgiveness.  I spent a lengthy amount of time on my knees this morning trying to work this out with the man upstairs.  I need his help.

To say that you forgive someone, or that it doesn't matter or whatever, is very easy.  We can say things we don't really mean all the time.  To actually forgive someone is a little harder, but in essence still easier than the newest problem I have found.  To believe that someone can change - that is the hardest part for me. 

True forgiveness is "forgiving and forgetting" but how can you forget if you don't think that the person is capable of changing?  Have you really forgiven them if you consign them to be the same person for the rest of their life?  It isn't even a conscious thing, I didn't really think about it until this morning actually.  That was when I realized it, when I tried to tell myself that someone had changed, that they deserve to be happy and the thoughts that came into my mind were that they were still the same, that they would do the same thing.  That's not fair is it?  Because I know that I change all the time and I wouldn't want someone thinking that about me - that I'll just make the same mistakes, that I'll repeat the past.  I don't want to be tied to bad decisions I made, we are surrounded by failures because that is the best way to grow.  Failure is not here to bog us down but to help us move higher.  If I believe it for myself it's only fair to believe it for others. 

I'm struggling right now to figure out a myriad of emotions.  Why do I feel this way or that, what is the root issue?  Why is it so hard to see some people move on with their lives? If it's what I want for myself then I should want it for others.  Maybe deep down I just want it to happen to me first - but that's the bratty side of me, the one who wants to be first.

That's my challenge (one of many) for right now.  Maybe it's too much to ask the Lord to help me be happy about certain things that are happening, but I can aim high.  What's the saying? "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars" Some peppy thing like that.  But if I aim to be happy, then maybe I'll land among content - and content is better then where I am - so I'd be good with that.

I read a story once about a lady who had survived the concentration camps during WWII.  She went around lecturing on forgiveness and then one day a man approached her.  She recognized him as one of the guards in her camp and she was seized with fear.  Then the worst thing happened - the man said that she mentioned the camp he had worked in and he wasn't sure if they ever interacted - but he was asking her for forgiveness.  He didn't remember her, but she remembered him and she was faced with the decision of whether or not to give him forgiveness.  He held his hand out to shake hers, but she could only look at it.  She said that the moment seemed to drag in her mind and she wondered if he noticed the pause.  She finally prayed, "Lord, I'll supply the action if you supply the feeling."  She stuck her hand in his and told him she forgave him and then said that she was overwhelmed with the feeling that she truly did forgive him.  She took a leap of faith that if she would say she forgave him then the feeling would follow.

I don't know if I'm there or not - but I prayed for that this morning.  I told the Lord I would try, but I need his help with the feeling, cause I don't much feel like I'm there yet.  It scares me to be honest.  I have to let go of my anger and I have to let myself believe that people can change.  And I have to accept that maybe some times - I don't get to be first.

What do YOU mean 'you people'?*

This weekend was very eventful!

Friday night, I started the weekend off with a date.  It was just dinner and a movie, and it was a double date.  I had a good time, and I am still able to talk to the guy - so all in all, a win.

Saturday morning I woke up early to head out to the "Color Me Rad" run.  My sister, Kathryn, wasn't able to sign up before the event sold out, but she consented to come and take photos (and go to breakfast afterwards).  Then we met up with Pam and her daughter.

I feel very tall here

I wasn't sure what to expect - having never done one of these before.  But it was great!  They had color stations set up at every kilometer and that really helped to break up the run.  It honestly didn't feel like I ran 3 miles.

Right before the finish line they douse you with blue dye...it was incredibly hard to breath.  Also before the finish line they hand you a packet of dye (they say one, but I'm pretty sure the volunteers wanted us to have more than one - I was given four).

Then there was a color

This is some random guy who thought I seemed cool..actually, I used to play basketball with him and I have no idea how he found me in the crowd - very impressive

All these people used to have white shirts....except for the person on the left - pretty sure they came with a black shirt on.

After the race we went to Boychiks for our standard sausage biscuit.

 Yeah - I'm doing this race again when it comes back to Richmond.

A little spiritual snack.

One of my favorite church hymns is, "Be Still, My Soul".  I remember singing this song at church the day one of my best friends moved away and it brought me to tears because all I could think was, "I'm all alone now."  She was my closest friend, we spent practically every day together, and she knew me better than anyone.  My hopes, fears, pains, etc.

I guess the reason I'm thinking of this hymn today (aside from it coming on my iPod) is because lately that thought has entered my mind again, "I'm all alone now."  I know that it's ridiculous, I'm surrounded by people who absolutely adore me (kidding, kidding).  But I do have people in my life, here in RVA with me.  But sometimes you want someone you feel comfortable telling anything to.  I don't have a lot of people here in person with me who I can just sit down with and start telling everything to - whatever I'm feeling.  I used to and slowly they are leaving (well...they're all gone now).  I know that I will make more friends, not to replace those who are gone, but to supplement them.  People who are here with me, so that when I am upset and complaining they can give me a hug, I can see their face.  There's something about that in person stuff you need sometimes. 

I suppose for now, as I feel alone, I'm to learn to lean on the Lord.  It makes me think of the Holland talk, "None Were With Him".  He starts off, "My (Easter-season) message today is intended for everyone, but it is directed in a special way to those who are alone or feel alone or, worse yet, feel abandoned. These might include those longing to be married, those who have lost a spouse, and those who have lost—or have never been blessed with—children. Our empathy embraces wives forsaken by their husbands, husbands whose wives have walked away, and children bereft of one or the other of their parents—or both. This group can find within its broad circumference a soldier far from home, a missionary in those first weeks of homesickness, or a father out of work, afraid the fear in his eyes will be visible to his family. In short it can include all of us at various times in our lives. To all such, I speak of the loneliest journey ever made and the unending blessings it brought to all in the human family. I speak of the Savior’s solitary task of shouldering alone the burden of our salvation."

Seriously, if you havn't read or heard that talk - go to the link above.  You can watch, listen, read...I recommend watching - Holland is so fantastic and the message is so sweet and one that I think everyone should hear.  Christ suffered, and suffered alone so that we wouldn't have to.  I feel alone, but I have never been as alone as he was in his final hours and I never will have to be, because he will always be with me.  I think that is so beautiful, I cannot understand why someone would not think that there is more to this life than just living it through to the end.

Anyway - I've posted the lyrics of "Be Still My Soul" below.  I've bolded the parts that stand out to me at this moment.  If you can, listen to that too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ2b8oqmfgw


Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.


Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

You're mocking me, aren't you?*

Last weekend Henrico County did Neighborhood clean up in my neighborhood.  This makes the third summer I've been here for that and the first time I've ever taken something to the curb - but seeing as how my backyard is a dismal mess, I decided to try to do something.  Vivienne came over to help me move some stuff.

As usual I had grand plans of completely cleaning up the back of my backyard - and then I realized that one, I had more stuff than I thought and two, I'm not very strong...and three, I'm scared of bugs.

This would be Viv, giving me the peace sign

The least we could do was move Amber's old furniture to the curb (thanks Amber - for leaving it when you left :P)

The furniture was so old and weather beaten that it fell apart as we tried to move it.  We finally used a garden rake and pulled it into the EZ cart.  Then we took it to the curb...and that was it.  We moved two pieces of furniture and then went to the store.

Viv and I obviously work hard.

New Camera!

My new camera arrived!  I've been trying to find the right settings. So here are some very random photos.

Special thanks to Christian for helping me find the cool effects on the camera.