Will I wait for you?*

Warning - we're going to get personal, and I don't really do that - so I'm a bit apprehensive to say the least. I'm not one to share my feelings a lot and you may (or may not) have noticed my weak attempts to be better about this...so, here we go. P.S. - also sorry, but the title is from a lesser known little film/musical that never hit the big screen.

Last night, instead of playing Frisbee (because there was a monsoon outside) I met up with a few of the Frisbee people and we played games. It was pretty fun. After the games were over we started to talk. Somehow the topic got to missions, for anyone who isn't familiar with Latter Day Saints (i.e. Mormons) most young men go on a two year mission for the church. They could be sent to Atlanta Georgia, Canada, Brazil, France, Germany, or in the case of my story, a little island La Reunion, just east of Madagascar. They pretty much give up everything. They put school (college - not high school, just in case you weren't sure) on hold for those two years, they leave their family, their possessions, their girlfriends all behind. They cannot call, except to their families are certain holidays (Christmas, Mother's day, etc.), they get one day a week where they can write (call P-day or preparation day). Most of their time is dedicated to doing missionary work, tracting door to door, teaching investigators about the church, working with new members - and even some of the lifelong members, studying the scriptures, etc. I think you get the idea. It's a busy, jammed packed two years. Many (I have no statistics on this) missionaries have girls "waiting" for them. (Oh and there are sister missionaries too, they serve for 18 months, and some of them have beaus awaiting their return). There, there is your background.

Well, we had an interesting mix last night, we had one guy who just returned home from his mission about three months ago, we had a guy getting ready to turn in his mission papers, his girlfriend who is looking to serve a mission too, and then me - a waiter. The newly returned guy started to tell us about his experience with a long term girlfriend who said she would wait...but didn't. I understand that he would be upset about this - but I also couldn't deny that I know what it feels like on the other end of things. Waiting is no easy thing...waiting for two years is even harder. When the boys happened to find some common ground by saying that girls were of the devil or something like that, I spoke up.

None of them know I have a missionary (cause like I said, I don't really get personal) but I spoke up for most girls who wait. There are exceptions to every rule, there are the girls who have three missionaries at once and get married in 6-months time, breaking all their hearts in the process; but there are those girls who wait, or try their hardest to wait, through all of it. I told them that in the girls defense they are waiting for two years. The guy goes on his mission and his life is filled with all these new things, a new life, new responsibility, sometimes a new language, they are immersed into this new life, and while they will suffer from homesickness, it is not the same as waiting for someone to return. The girl is still living life the same way she was before, but now she doesn't have her boyfriend. She is trying to go through the same life as though her boyfriend were still there, but he's not. His letters go from weekly to every few weeks, to sometimes months. Letters get lost or held up, or returned. People feel the need to share their stories of them and their missionary, or them and their girl waiting, that didn't turn out. Why in the world they would tell someone who is in the process of waiting (or being waited for) is beyond me. It's like telling stories about miscarriages to a pregnant women. Just let her be happy, leave the sad stories that may never happen to her out of it.

Lauren, the other girl last night, mentioned that some girls get scared and that's why they don't wait. I think it's the loneliness more than anything, it's the need to have someone there who can validate them as a person of worth (not that I blame the missionaries in any way, they are doing exactly what they should be doing), it's the need to have someone to listen to you, to laugh with you, to see you. It is in our nature to fight loneliness, to try to find someone who makes you happy just for being in your life.

I haven't been the best at waiting. I have told Bryan off in a letter or two (not a dear john letter), I have dated other people (even though he told me to I still feel bad about it), I have been frustrated with him for not writing more often, I have thought about dear johning him, about giving up because it was just too hard. And this was just the first 15 months. I still have 9 more to go.

I spent everyday with Bryan from the time we started dating until the day before he left on his mission. We weren't always together in person, but we talked online for hours when we were far apart. From Thursday nights when he had a night class, to when I was in Utah for my sister's wedding, or when he was in Roanoke after school finished for the year. When he first went out there I got an e-mail and a letter each week (no phone calls, no IMing). Now I consider myself lucky to get a letter once a month. I am constantly torn between wanting him to write me every week and wanting him to focus on his mission. On top of that, I am still here in Richmond. Still meeting new people all the time, still going on dates, still fighting loneliness. Waiting is probably one of the biggest gambles of my life. He could come home and find he doesn't want to be with me, or I with him - it's a scary thought to think that two years of waiting could end up amounting to nothing.

Of course, I didn't say all of this last night, I got cut off by someone's remark. Maybe that's why I feel the need to say it now, to say it publicly. I think people should know that waiting two years seems pretty easy when you say it, but when you are living it that's a great expectation to put on someone. I'm not saying one side has it harder than the other, I just wanted people to understand my side.

You're not hardcore, unless you live hardcore.*

For an impulsive liar I am a lot more honest than people would think. I probably shouldn't admit that since I actually like this little secret of mine...oh well. I also like to talk, though I get self conscious about it in person (which you know has happened when I quickly say, "Sorry I talk too much" or "Okay, it's your turn cause if you don't start talking I'll keep going!"

Anyway, I was thinking about it today, wondering what to blog about. I don't have to blog everyday, but it gives me something to do and it brings my heart such immense joy (actually...comments bring the immense joy, blogging just alleviates severe, terminal boredom). I would like to get a pipeline of topics to blog about. Whether they are subjects of interest, questions for/about me, my side of the story (in case anyone who experienced something with me is anxious to read how the same memory plays through in my mind). Nothing is off limits (well, almost nothing, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there). If I don't know the "answer" I'll make something up, and while you may not appreciate it I'll find it exceptionally entertaining, and isn't that the real point of this blog? To entertain me?

Or of course - you could just not leave comments and let me know that there is nothing you want me to blog about...or more so, that you wish I would stop blogging because you only read out of obligation. Believe it or not I still appreciate obligatory and pity reads, I'll take what I can get.

Okay, so mostly this is my veiled attempt to get to know you guys and find out what you would like to read when you come to my blog. Sometimes I feel like you aren't getting what you need from my blog. I would like to fix that. Help me, help you.*

Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays.*

Some days don't stand a chance. Take today for instance.

• I woke up with no milk because someone took the liberty of finishing it off for me. I had left just enough yesterday morning to give me one more bowl of cereal today so that I wouldn't have to go to the store. I ate three rice cakes and a swig of fruit juice for breakfast. ...What I wanted was a big bowl of Captain Crunch.
• It's raining. Don't get me wrong, I love when it rains (especially since we really need it), but I love more staying home when it rains. Curling up in a blanket and using the rain as a reason to be a hermit (I do the same when it snows, but more people let me get away with this when it snows).
• I straightened my hair this morning - before I realized it was raining...I just thought it was naturally that dark at 7:30...
• I forgot that the shoes I am wearing are more like sponges than shoes...they soak up all of the rain water...comfy.
• We just got a resignation letter (ah the Termination checklist, how I have missed you...not really)
• I began my calls to the Angel Tree today. Every year (this will be my fourth time doing this) they seem to take forever just to let me know that I can come and pick the angels up from their main center. I call, leave a message, call, leave a message. I was very chipper when I left a message for Brian-the volunteer coordinator. He's new (they always are) so I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'll keep you posted, just note that on September 29, 2010, I made the first call.

But...I have a to-do list, and a healthy looking one at that. So I am going to roll up my sleeves (figuratively since I am wearing short sleeves) and get to work. Maybe it will help the day to fly by, and it's only 10:30 - things can always get better right?

'A dangerous pastime' 'I know!'*

This is where I work.

Pretty, isn't it? See all those windows? I look out them at every opportunity. This morning, as I watched a man from True Green do his job I thought about how the grass is always greener on the other side (no pun intended between his job and the saying). He kicked a dead plant for a good three minutes, trying to loosen the roots I suppose. I thought two things, first - I noted that this is probably a good way to remove dead plants, and since we've had a dry summer and I suck at caring for green things, this will likely come in handy. The second thought was how I wished for a different job, but I knew deep down that if I had a different job I'd probably be wishing for this one.


I am a Human Resources Assistant. I assist all the other members of the department, from payroll to recruiting and everything in between. There are days or even weeks where I am happy with my job, but most of the time is spent wondering if there is something out there that I might actually enjoy on a long term basis. When I enjoy something, I tend to become really good at it. Like - cashiering (believe it or not - I love doing this). Was I a good cashier? Heck yeah. I took it to the next level to become a trainer and try to get other people to be good at it too...not so easy by the way. Also not easy is the fact that you are training people to do something that you love to do...and you aren't allowed to do it because you need to focus on training them. Even with these two jobs I had things I didn't like. I know that every job will have aspects I don't enjoy...but it doesn't stop me from trying to figure out what I might like better than this. My coworker knows that I don't intend to have a career in HR, I am pretty much working here, waiting for my brain to finally kick in and think of something better.



So here's the big question - and I normally don't do this but that's because I don't usually have a lot of questions. I want to know what you do for a living. What are the pros and cons of your job...and maybe - do you have any openings at your company? Just trying to help the good ole' brain get started.

P.S. is anyone (or does anyone know) a literary agent who wouldn't mind taking a chance on an unknown kid*? It would be much appreciated. Thanks!

I hope not sporadically!*

"This is a wonderful time to be living here on earth. Our opportunities are limitless. While there are some things wrong in the world today, there are many things right, such as teachers who teach, ministers who minister, marriages that make it, parents who sacrifice, and friends who help.

We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues." President Monson

Cassie gave me an idea (and let's face it, whoever Mama D is too cause she mentioned it in the comments)...a gratitude post. I have done these before, very sporadically of course as other people posted things like, "Ten things that make me happy", "A few of my favorite things" stuff like that. As I read Cassie's post about the plus 1 I thought, what a great way to develop greater optimism...and didn't I say earlier that I want to be more optimistic? So...I have decided that once a week (probably on Sundays - seems fitting) I will post about something I am grateful for. Could be a long post or a short post...but let's face it, I hate to waste white space and every time I hit enter more appears...so probably a longer post.

I'm going to follow President's Monson's talk (that's a link above if you are interested) for the first couple of post. He lists some things we can be grateful for. So to kick start this, let's talk about the woman who made this blog possible.

My Mother:

That's right, without my mother you wouldn't even have this post to read! Daunting thought, I know! My mom was the oldest child/daughter of five children. I like to say their names in age order, please humor me (Teddy, Tony, Timmy, Tommy, Tammy. There...I did it).

Here are some reasons that I am grateful for my mom:

1. She is a writer. You can even ask my dad, this woman can use the English language in a beautiful, written way. She has a degree in journalism, her journals and letters are always an enjoyable read. If I have any writing talent within me at all it's a genetic runoff of her abilities.


2. Continuing education. She's incredibly smart, there's no doubt about it! When I was younger she went back to school to get her associate's in nursing. Since then she has also obtained her bachelor's in nursing. This woman tackled Statistics without a study buddy...I don't think I met anyone in college who didn't try to get a study buddy for that class. She is constantly learning new stuff.


3. Her spirituality. My mom (and dad) has taught me to serve at church out of love, not obligation. She has taught me to depend on the Lord. As a children, she got us to church, as we grew older she let us choose for ourselves what we would do. My mother has amazing faith. I repeat the words found in Alma 56:48, "We do not doubt our mothers knew it". There is no doubt in me that my mother knows, and sometimes that has been the very anchor I have needed in my life. She once sent me her testimony that she had written down (I believe for my brother). I love to read her testimony over and over.


4. Her love for her children - or in other words - her sacrifice. I couldn't even name all of her sacrifices if I tried, but something that they all have in common is that she sacrificed for her children. From giving up a pair of shoes (because a daughter mentioned she liked them) to giving the years of her life devoted to our upbringing, my mom is driven by love. There were times when I was growing up that I wondered if she knew me at all, like the typical teenager girl with her mother, I assumed she didn't care, didn't pay attention. Every year when I would read the family Christmas letter my mom would write about all of us I was surprised by how closely she was paying attention to my life, to the things I was doing, and I was surprised and elated to realize annually, that she was proud of me.


5. Loving Suggestions. I hate being told what to do. When someone suggests something I usually become more determined not to do it (i.e. watch "The Notebook"), but I know that when my mom "suggests" something (i.e. "Get yourself enrolled in college or get your own insurance.") I know that it is for my own good. If it weren't for my mom I would have never considered going to BYU-Idaho, I would probably still be there switching majors, I wouldn't have the "grown up" job I have now (don't know if I would still have one after Ukrop's sold), I wouldn't even have the car I have and possibility not be a home owner. In essence - I wouldn't be living up to my potential if my mom didn't give me her input. And even though I have a tough time taking input, I know I won't go wrong with hers.


6. She teaches me how to forgive. I have an unforgiving nature. I am getting better. My mom has shown me forgiveness over and over. I have seen her forgive people who I had deemed unforgivable and in time, it has helped me to forgive those same people.


7. Chores - She taught me to cook, she taught me to do my own laundry (at a young age), she taught me that if you don't clean your room you'll lose some of your favorite stuff *smiling*. Because of her I got to be the mature roommate most of the time as far as cleaning up after myself (at least I hope my roommates could tell I was doing that).


8. She taught me early on that my siblings would be my best friends. I didn't believe her at the time of course, I mean, seriously? Joanna sits on me with her bony butt and moves around for good measure (and extra pain), Kathryn scares the living daylights out of me, and Martha bosses me around (she's the oldest girl). As for Ed and Matt, the brothers who were moved out before I could get to know them? Forget about it. But...she was right. I am extremely close to my sisters and I love every conversation with my brothers (e-mails, facebook comments, blog comments, conversations in person). I love getting to know more about them and I know that no matter what, these people have my back (from the bully in 4th grade, the bully in 6th grade, and the first boy who broke my heart).

I heard a quote once that when you are young your parent's know everything. When you are a teenager/young adult it is you who knows everything and you feel your parents know nothing. As you get older you realized that your parents really do know everything. I can't even say I'm paraphrasing cause I'm pretty sure what I just wrote is longer than the original...and maybe even wrong. But it doesn't matter, my life is not a saying. I am so grateful to my mom, I am grateful for the stuff she put up with when I felt I knew everything. I am grateful for her continued love and support.

Sorry for the long post, I got carried away with my first one. But I hope you enjoyed, and if not, it's okay, because I did. Try it out (writing about your mom or someone who is the equivalent for you) it's pretty cool.

You have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting.*

I really got to test out my new "Emotional Intelligence" skills yesterday. I took my time responding to the other person and to really think about what I was going to say. It oddly started to feel like chess...I would think about what I would say, then try to determine (before I said anything) what their response to that would be. I avoided several "Jessica" remarks, the kind that bring tears to the eyes of the strongest men. But I also refused to be manipulated by this person, who has often gotten out of trouble by making me feel sorry for them. At the end of the conversation I simply said, "You're going to be okay." And left it at that.

That paragraph makes me come across as calm. Please don't be mistaken, I was a nervous wreck. There are reasons that a book called "Emotional Intelligence" caught my eye - I had measured myself as lacking in that department. But I would like to add something for myself, in the future. Just because you see the big picture, remember that others don't always. I kept trying to explain my position to this person and when they responded it was as though they hadn't even heard me. That was the hard part, not blowing up at them for not even paying attention. I know they wanted to "fix" the situation (basically, if you must know, I am eradicating this person from my life, and I feel good about doing so, this is the right decision for me) and they wanted to fix it fast. I imagine they felt the pity card would get them out again, but I can't keep sacrificing my feelings for the feelings of others. It doesn't do anyone any good. Besides, I deleted this person from my phone, camera, and Facebook a month ago and they are now just noticing. I mean, they really will be okay without my friendship, just as I am okay without theirs.

I'm sorry I can't provide more detail, even if I wanted to divulge everything it's months and months of storyline, drama, and heartache. I really don't have the time to go through all of that, and I don't know how to sum it up for you guys. So, I really am sorry about it.

To lighten the mood...how about a story. Today is Theresa's birthday at work. Wanda got balloons and a card and I picked up bagels for the "birthday group". As I was preparing to send the e-mail to the group so they would know what time to come and eat I thought to check Theresa's calendar and make certain that she could attend at the time we were thinking of...that's when I noticed the big purple line through the day indicating that she was out of the office.

Bummer.

So I sent an e-mail to the birthday group nonetheless:

Someone (and by someone, I mean me) forgot to make sure that Theresa would be in the office today for her birthday. We have bagels to celebrate…due to bitter disappointment, we will not gather in a group, rather they will be in the HR Conference room. Enjoy.

Le Sigh.

I'm in the market, as it were.*

Sarah's Post about her daughter reminded me of a few weeks ago when Martha was in town. I was hanging out at Joanna and Ben's house and we had just eaten. Tommy wanted us to "crash" which pretty much meant that he would fall on to me from the arm of the couch. I told him I needed to digest and he said, "Yeah, you be Jess." It cracked me up. So then I said, "You need to digest." He said, "I'm not Jess!" and laughed. I tried it a few days later and it still worked. It just made me laugh.

Last night was Frisbee night. It certainly wasn't my a-game, but it was one of the funnest nights I've had in a while. I couldn't stop laughing! My friend, who I call Benny at Frisbee and Brother Ben at church, was finally on my team after a several months absence. When people are not on your team you don't notice them as much, you're worried about guarding them and avoiding being guarded. So I forgot how hilarious he is. Before we started the game Benny and I practiced catching ridiculous passes (and if you've played Frisbee you've probably seen some of these passes, the Frisbee slicing through the air vertically, lopped sided, upside down, tossed rather than thrown properly, etc.)

Then the game started. A bunch of running/walking back and forth and trying to block throws. Pretty routine stuff. Then at one point Benny got the Frisbee and he threw a short pass to me, then I threw a short pass to him, then we just went back and forth up the field. We were both laughing because it just seemed that someone would stop us soon, they would just run between us and knock the Frisbee down with their hand...but they didn't. What lost us the Frisbee was that I was laughing so hard I missed the extra step that would have brought me close enough to catch the Frisbee. But it was okay, I didn't beat myself up because I was having a good time.

At one point Benny had the Frisbee and I was running down the field and I looked, he looked and I thought, "This is our moment, where all our practice pays off" (p.s. that was in an overly dramatic, humorous way, I wasn't actually serious) but then he threw it, he threw it in one of those unorthodox ways you throw a Frisbee to try and make it go far and fast. I ran for it, my intense 5-minute training running through my mind. I tried to imagine myself catching this crazy pass when the Frisbee thudded into the ground several feet in front of me. I never had a chance. I was laughing though and then Benny came up and said how he saw several more viable throws he could have made, but then he saw me running down the field and knew this was the moment we had waited for. It made me laugh that we both thought the same dramatic sports movie thoughts.

It wasn't just having Benny on my team either, I also had Cam - who has never been on my team. Normally he is the guy who steals/blocks my passes or with an eye single to the Frisbee runs right into me and practically knocks me to the ground. He is a gentle giant though, if he can catch you before you hit the ground he will. Still doesn't change that it's pretty scary to see out of the corner of your eye this big dude running at you. Plus, even with all of my blunders and misses (oh and really bad passes to Brittany...she's short, I'm tall, it's hard to estimate how to throw the Frisbee) we were winning. Even at one point the other team had 10 and we had 7 but we were fighting like lions we were (more like clumsy cubs but lions nonetheless). It was just one of those great nights at Frisbee.

I didn't know you could read.*

My sister, Martha, and I used to play this game on road trips where we would each think of an actor, count to three and then both yell out who we thought of. Then we would proceed to connect them through movies.

Seeing as how I love movies, this has become one of my favorite games. Her and her hubby, Jeff, came to visit us Labor Day weekend and on one night we were playing this old favorite when we both called out the names at the same time. The result:

Danny Devito
Charlize Theron

And then the wheels stopped turning. The moment I heard the names I couldn't for the life of me pull up an adequate filmography for either of them. Danny Devito...Matilda? Charlize Theron...The Astronaut's Wife? The game kicked the bucket, we had to throw in the towel, call it quits, we were through.

It stayed with me though, I wouldn't let this little duo keep me down, they had to be connected! And then a memory, of a long ago film. A film that would start a list of incredibly weird movies that may or may not get quoted at random moments and no one will have any idea what I am talking about. That movie? Drowning Mono.

Among the cast are one Danny DeVito and one Casey Affleck. From there it just became too easy. Casey also starred in the Ocean's trilogy and in the latest one a Mister Al Pacino plays a role. Al also played the devil, satan, Lu-ci-fur (said like the mouse in Disney's Cinderella), in The Devil's Advocate with...Charlize Theron.

Ta-da! So I e-mailed my sister the results the other day and in return she gave me two more names.

Helen Hunt and Andy Garcia. Maybe it was the Ocean's talking that got her to pick out Andy Garcia, but I am a firm believer that if you can get someone to Julia Roberts you can get them to anyone (much like the six degrees of Kevin Bacon). I would tell you my results, but I want to hear what connections you all make.

I made the connections pretty quickly and in return sent her two Roberts for her trouble:

Robert Downy Jr.
Robert Pattinson

She took far too long to respond (i.e. she still hasn't responded and this was Monday). I had it within minutes (humble - I know)

For my entertainment feel free to put down your connections in the comments. Doesn't matter how long or short as long as you connect the two (and you are more than welcomed to figure out both pairs).

Whatever you like we do fo you!*

So I was reading THIS POST today and I liked it. A list of things that Present you could tell Past you. Being the kind of teenager who really indulged in the "writing to yourself in 5 or 10 years" activities at church (seriously, teenage me is a very interesting person to find letters from), I figured, why not? I mean, writing to the past certainly isn't going to change anything, but writing to myself in the future didn't typically change anything either (if anything I found out that I can't predict the future - uh, such as none of the Willis boys married me, turning 22 did not open the doors to eating however much ice-cream I wanted (it was 18 actually), my hair isn't down to my waist, and I'm still single). So here it goes (p.s. I had a lot to say to myself but I will limit it to 20).

What I wish I knew when I was 17

Sadly, this is the best I can do as far as already having pictures of old me on my computer.

1. First of all, thanks for learning to be ok alone. This may or may not have been a natural ability you we were born with, but it has come in handy. I'm not talking solely about boys here, but in all situations. It has helped me to learn that my value has no basis in the opinion of others, if people don't like me that is their problem and loss. I will always have enough good people around me to be there if/when I need them.


2. Don't be so hard on your friends. Everyone makes mistakes, it doesn't change that they are a good person deep down, who care for you...and who also happen to be deathly afraid of disappointing you. You can't help them to fix their mistakes if they are too afraid to even tell them to you.


3. White Out and Permanent Markers do not make for good nail polish. Ignore those friends who are talking you into it, I'm pretty sure they were sniffing the stuff and they all went down strange paths in the end anyway.


4. Good job on that junior class photo, taking your hair down during U.S. History class turned out to be a good decision on photo day, turned out as nice as it could get with wavy hair like yours. Beats the pony tail you were sporting a lot back then.


5. Listen to Dad...all that crazy talk about budgeting actually has some weight to it. You could learn a thing or two by opening up your ears from time to time.


6. For the love, stop writing poetry. My sides can't take anymore from laughing so hard as I reread them. You're not in love with that boy you barely talk to, what you are feeling is not heartbreak (trust me, it's more painful), stop thinking that it's the end of the world if your dad makes you do the dishes (and please, don't write poems about that either).


7. Stop being so afraid, especially if you are good at something. Don't stop taking sign language, don't be afraid to speak up in class when you know the answer, don't give up on writing short stories and novels (you'll actually finish one one day).


8. Please, for me, Future Jessica - Stop doing the bare minimum to get by. Just because you get honor roll without trying doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Guess what? Some college courses will require study, college shouldn't be the first time you try it out.


9. Don't ever give your heart to someone who doesn't deserve it. Trust me, it's easier to spot those people than you think. Start thinking with your brains and not with your messed up teenage hormones. Look for clues early on where you can see that he is not going to treat you as well as you deserve to be treated. (i.e. if he goes to Wal-mart at 10 o'clock at night with "the boys" to "pick up chicks" - drop him faster than a hot cookie sheet, you deserve better than that...and you will get it too).
   
10. Don't, I repeat sans contraction, do not give in and get acrylic nails. A simple manicure is all it takes and you don't have to deal with fake nails randomly falling off and all that gunk remaining afterwards. Plus, you'll look freaking ridiculous with how long they will be.


11. You look good with highlights, but you might want to buy a hair straightener and use a little product (leave in conditioner is not your enemy). People even might stop asking you if you've brushed your hair that day.


12. WARNING - that bottle of Egyptian Plum hair dye is going to turn your hair purple, not dark red like the box suggests. It's temporary, so have at it if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you. (P.S. Could you find Jamie and warn him not to go to the haircuttery? No teenage boy wants to walk around with a triangle shaved in the back of his head).


13. You're not fat. You're not ugly. You're not dumb. And that one friend who always went for the guys you like...she ends up sadly, so forgive her quickly and don't let her actions make you feel any less than what you truly are. (p.s. always forgive quickly, you don't know why people do what they do).


14. Wear your retainer. I've got enough self confidence now that those little imperfections are "character", but it would be nice if mom and dad's money had longer lasting results.


15. It's okay that you are one of the guys...you don't really want to date any of the guys who see you that way anyway. The one you want to date will love the way you are, they will see you (good and bad), and when you're walking through the store they will hold your hand and not seem to notice the other girls walking by (even if you think they are prettier than you).


16. Give up gobstoppers now...the dental bill won't be worth it.


17. Always be impulsive, some of the best things have come from when you say, "okay" to someone else's idea before you've let your rational brain work through it. (Going with Melanie to Utah, hiking with strangers, random road trip with Tami, etc.) Trust yourself enough to realize that when you impulsively say "okay" you aren't going to say it to harmful stuff. Deep down your self preservation skills are still working.


18. Take photography more seriously, and give that Tim guy a chance. Underneath that creepy hairstyle (an upside down mohawk that covered most of his face) he is actually pretty cute, and he was always nice to you. But back to photography - you'll wish later that you had really learned to handle that camera, you missed a lot of opportunities by not really trying.


19. Hold on tight to that Beastie Boys shirt, you know, your favorite one. One day it will disappear without a trace. Wow - I could get deep here and mention how the Beastie Boys shirt is a metaphor for all important things in life and how we should always work on maintaining our friendships, etc. etc. etc. ...but I won't.


20. Your laugh is just fine. Don't put yourself on silent/vibrate mode just to mask that sound and don't try a new laugh every week (it's actually annoying). When people say they like your laugh, they aren't being mean to you. If you think something is funny, laugh as loudly as you want. People who say funny things actually want you to laugh loudly.

Don't just stand there, I need you to intervene!*

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. - Victor Borge

A long time ago I added the "how to of the day" to my igoogle. It was one of those many moments where I thought, "I'd like to be able to do something cool." I figured these how to's would help me to get something done, something blog-worthy. Unfortunately I have yet to find something interesting or do-able. Today had two. How to be Funny, which, we don't even need to talk about - I'm flipping hilarious. But I posted it for the not so funny people. Like the people who read my blog and think that I actually believe I'm dying, or the people who don't understand that I am sarcastic. Take a look, it might help to get in touch with your inner humor. It's a great stress reliever too.

The other thing was "How to build a simple wood truss" ...what do I need a truss for? Nothing, that's what. I want to create or do something interesting to show off on my blog...I didn't have in mind that I would be building my own house anytime soon (granted that would be blog worthy - but I am too lazy to take on such a project). This is why I have the dad I have, he can show me something practical and blog-worthy.

But who am I kidding? I don't even have the motivation to clean my bathroom...maybe I should focus on those things first and then move on to the extras, like building a table or bookshelf, or something cool like that. Ew, I just had an idea. Start simple, like adding an extra shelf to the laundry room closet. That's been on the list for a while and all I need is to have dad come to the wood place with me to pick out a good piece.

P.S. I wasn't going to say what my good idea was, but I have learned that telling people what you intend to do holds you accountable...so here's to testing out accountability...and an extra shelf in that closest.

You hear what happened to Pluto? That's messed up.*

The other day at work Pam randomly asked if I knew the colors of the rainbow. As though I had prepared for this I went off and this conversation followed:

Me: Red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple.
Pam: What's the saying? How did you remember that?
Me: I don't know any saying.
Pam: Am I the only person who doesn't know the colors of the rainbow?!
Me: Who asked you about this?
Pam: The CEO.
Me: Oh, yeah I just picture a rainbow in my head.
Pam: You can picture a rainbow in your head?
Me: (pause) Yeah, can't you?
Pam: No!
Me: (shrugging shoulders) Maybe I'm weird.

Turns out Pam has a cheat sheet, or rather 5 cheat sheets. She does the CEO's schedule in a different color everyday, but in the colors of the rainbow (colors=her idea, rainbow-CEO's). So she has 5 pages, in rainbow order, with Monday-Friday written across them.

This got me going about sayings my dad has to remember things like the planets (Mary's violet eyes make John...something for Saturn...please hold...googling...stay up late nights. Period). Of course, Pluto is gone now, well, still there just demoted. I think I've found the real reason why they took Pluto off of the planets list. He was messing up the sentence. My dad has something for the months too but neither Pam nor I can remember what it could be. So we googled that and for the first time I realized I never had the beginning memorized. I always thought it was "30 days past September." Which in retrospect doesn't make a lick of sense. For those who don't know it, it's:

30 days hath (or has) September
April, June, and November
All the rest have 31
Save February - the shortest one
28 is all it stores
til leap year gives it one more.

But there is also something with the knuckles I think. I've seen people doing it. Does anyone know the one I'm talking about?

Anyway, sorry to give you a glimpse into what a slow day looks like at work. At least we didn't super glue anything this time!

The cheese inspectors beat the crap out of us.*

We're headed into the busy season.

Not that it's ever been a busy season for me, but this year, it's a busy season. I have institute on Tuesday nights, Frisbee on Wednesday and Thursday, random things going on on Fridays (hopefully nothing going on on Fridays), and Saturdays are usually busy, though I'd like to have some free ones so I can work on things around the house. Get a list and budget and just start getting stuff done. I'm so stingy when it comes to spending big money on stuff. I could blow through the same amount of money with small purchases (books, movies, little things for the walls though I wouldn't know where to put them).

Next year starts an aggressive attack on Numero Uno on the bucket list (visit all 50 states). I am still thinking about it, but chances are I will be joining G-sauce and C$ for a weekend trip down south. It happens to coincide with my birthday, but was not planned as a birthday trip. I don't do stuff for my birthday, I don't plan to start now. Though, my friend found out that my favorite number is 29 - so she thinks 29 should be the birthday I do something, and something big. We'll see.

There's the trip to Cali and the drive to New Mexico in February. The various weekend trips with G to knock out some northern states as well. I'm just keeping busy.

I am running an 8k on November 13th...an 8k. I have run 5ks and 10ks so this is new for me...it's almost 5 miles, which makes me giggle. Why not just go all the way to 5? Anyway, the race is at 7 in the morning. That's gross, but it's just one time and I'll have a new t-shirt because of it. I even got to put a nickname on my race bib. You ready for this? ....Lildonbro. Big surprise huh? It's my Blogger Identity, it's what I fight off evil with.

I got a text message from Katie (you know who you are) and she asked if I wanted to join a fall basketball team...yes actually, I do. $60? Not thrilled about that since I suck and will probably be benched, but if I do play I have an extra work out (and a t-shirt). It's like temporarily joining a gym...and it will help me get ready for church ball in the winter.

And it will help time to keep flying by until Bryan gets home.

9 months by the way. That's how long Bryan has left of his mission in Madagascar. Hard to believe that 15 months have already passed, I remember when there were still 15 months to go and it felt like time was just refusing to budge. Now it's moving, though people have told me it really slows down the last 6 months. Which is probably why I have so much planned for the first six months of 2011.

...I wish time at work would fly by. I've been waiting for 5 o'clock since 9:00 a.m.

What the Schnitzel?!*

The pumpkin spice kiss strikes again.

Ashley said that she was willing to try one, therefore I put a few in the front pocket of my purse. So tonight, when I saw her I went to pull one out and it was funky looking. So I went for another, and then the last one. They were all melted! I don't know how it happened, but it did. I don't think they liked my review of their taste cause these little kamikaze kisses went it for the kill...
Disgusting. I explained everything to Ashley and she was still willing to try one, so I found the least deformed and she gave it a go. She's not thrilled about the after taste.

I'm not thrilled about them spilling their guts (which look like baby spit-up) all over my phone. Good news, I have such a simple phone there weren't many buttons or crevices to seep in to.

This isn't over Pumpkin Spice Kisses, not by a long shot.

You have no compassion for my poor nerves.*

Teach Sunday School - Check

Teach FHE - Check

Okay, so my teaching "assignments" are over and done with. I can breath a sigh of relief. It's funny, once I am up there and get going I am fine, but beforehand I am a mess. Sunday School was probably easier for me to transition into. I was already at church, I suffered from some nerves right before class began, but my class ended up being small and fun, so I got comfortable with them quickly.


The class yesterday was about four or fives times that (seriously, that's how SMALL the Sunday School class had ended up being). I was nervous from 4:30 on (I taught at 7) and I was jittery. I had every intention of writing on the chalkboard, but when I realized that my whole body was shaking too much I just held on to the podium for dear life. I have to say the thing I love most about teaching (in both of these situations) is the participation. I honestly could not have done it without people raising their hands! I would have been even more nervous if I was met with blank stares. It was funny though because last night about three people all decided to have their hands above their heads, one playing with a volleyball (thanks Cam, I'll always remember when you dropped that) and the other two just randomly scratching their heads. I called them out on it though because it really did throw me. You see a hand to your left and then to your right and your all, "who do I call on first?" only to discover that neither of them has anything to say.

At one point I pointed to two different people and said, "you and then you." Then I laughed and said, "I've always wanted to say that." And I really have. Any of my college roommates can tell you that I would do that...of course I would point to an imaginary person because it never came to the point where two roommates had something to say at the same time.

Overall I think both lessons went well, at least I didn't throw up or pass out and people told me they were good lessons so I'm going to have to believe them. I'm just glad they are done with and I can rest my nerves for a bit.

Maybe I breath fire, you don't know.*

Here's a story, Of a dingbat lady who was growing up on her very own.

I am emotionally UNintelligent. I am reading, Emotional Intelligence 2.0 in desperate hopes that I can get smarter in this area. The book divides it up into 4 areas:

Self Awareness - 60
Self Management - 51
Social Awareness -58
Relationship Management - 47

Overall EQ - 54

Those numbers next to each are my scores from this test I took online. I had foolishly tricked myself into believing that 75 was good, so I wasn't far off. 75 is mid-level, in academia it's a D. High performers are in the 90's...I want to be in the 90's.

I had an experience last week which proved to me more than ever that my scores of Emotional Intelligence are low. (Which, I realize no matter what the average my Relationship Management skills are low). I handled a situation all wrong. It wasn't that I flew off the handle at someone, it wasn't like I plowed my car into someone else's. It was that I was trying to be nice, when, in retrospect it was actually being cruel. I hate that.

I think the older I get the more I realize that sometimes being nice is dumb. I'm not saying it's okay to be rude to people...that's just the other end of the spectrum. There has to be a middle ground, there is, a lot of people can do it. Am I one of them? No, I am "too nice", when really the kindest you could be is that middle ground. You tell people the truth, which eliminates future disappointment/harm/hurt but you deliver that message in a kind way.

Take for example a person I call Puppy Love. When I first came home from college I was working at the grocery store with a lot of teenagers...mostly boys...boys who didn't interact with a lot of girls. This particular individual, Puppy Love, is where I got my inspiration for the

Being Peed On Theory. One day Puppy Love had had it, he had to let me know that he really liked me (I was 23, he was 17 - yeah, I know in retrospect age apparently doesn't bother me). Age was the cover anyway...no, I wouldn't date a high schooler, but I also just wasn't interested. So I found myself having to tell this kid that liking me was hopeless - but like I said, I'm too nice. I told him I just saw him as a friend and I mentioned the age difference (as additional backing) and I'm pretty sure some other word vomit trickled out. But it was done, awkward situation overcome!

Until two days later when he Myspaced me (yeah, remember when that was popular) and said, "So are you saying if I was 18 you'd date me?" ...No, I'm saying the age was even more reason not to, but not that you turning 18 would change anything. So I wrote back and said, "No, I'm saying I just see you as a friend." Yes - I came to where I should have been, but I took the long way around.

Four years later I am still taking the long way around. I'm pushed into these awkward moments with people and all I want to do is get out. Some call it fight or flight - and I'm a flight risk. I do and say whatever is necessary to get myself out of the situation, I let "future Jessica" worry about that. I am trying to learn to deal with it when it is easier when it is more fair to the person pushing me into that situation.

So - back to the book, I am in the "Self-Management Strategies" part of the book, having just completed Self Awareness and asking people how I affect them emotionally and such. Now I am trying to prevent emotional hijacking - where my emotions take over. One of the assignments was to make an Emotion vs. Reason list.

In this corner - the messages my emotions are telling me in awkward situations:

• Do whatever it takes to get out of this situation
• Put it off with words that might be lies
• Start to avoid people (specifically THAT person), phone calls, even e-mails
• Try to make people feel better/ok

In this corner we have what my Reason tells me:

• Stop trying to spare feelings, just be honest and direct (what more do you need to hear from reason? Nothing).

Then they duke it out. Reason is the stronger opponent for sure, but he moves slowly and emotional responses are rapid fire fast. They can't stand the test of time but they sure get the results I'm looking for a lot faster...until the next time.

The was a long way around a short story huh? Sorry about that, I just needed to get that off my chest. Now I have to try and correct this and grow up so that the next time something like this happens I can handle it in a way that is beneficial to all involved.

If I only had a brain.*

Real conversation at work today about not being able to find keys in a purse.

Me: I always stick my keys in the same spot so I don't have to worry about it.
Wanda: You know, I could take advantage of this pocket (points to pocket on purse) and put my keys in, that would be a good idea...but that would require a brain.
Me: You have a brain you just don't always use it. Oh...that didn't come out as nice as it sounded in my head.

I really had every intent of trying to make her feel better and in my head, those sounded like the right words to say.

Time to give them something fun, they'll talk about for years to come.*

Dear Hershey,

The candy cane kiss for Christmas is one of my all time favorite holiday confections. I find myself stock piling it so I can have some randomly throughout the year. Those who have tried them on my recommendation have also enjoyed them.

The Candy Corn kiss is intoxicatingly sweet - but I still like it. It's powerful flavor has already embedded itself into my memories of fall smells and tastes and I look forward to eating at least a handful this fall season.

It's amazing how you can replicate the flavor of other candy into a non-chocolate Hershey kiss. I cannot speak for any of your chocolate based kisses, in my chocolate eating days I only partook of the classic chocolate. I can, however, address one blunder on your part. The Pumpkin Spice kiss.
I have four words and a punctuation mark for you, "What were you thinking?" Do you put these products through taste tests? Did somehow this particular kind not make it through because you had a deadline?

I ran my own taste test and 100% of consumers agreed, these were a mistake. A full on corn starch assault on the taste buds. 60% stated that it made them feel like they were eating a pumpkin spice candle. 20% said that these would do...if they needed a sugar fix and there was nothing else and 80% were initially unable to speak as their faces were scrunched up in disgust.

The evil manical laugh I hear inside my head as I stare at the pumpkin on the package tells me that this was no mistake, rather a planned assualt on humanity. I am hoping that I am wrong. Please tell me that I am...and please send a shirt and a package of candy cane kisses - I know you have them already up their in your chocolate castle in Hershey, PA.

Sincerely,

Concerned Consumer

That's the question I want to ask Job.*

Along with optimism I have taken upon myself a little word that I am afraid of. "Yes". Or in most cases the word comes out more like, "Um, yeah, okay." Yes is much too assertive and seeing as how saying 'yes' is a least favorite thing it comes out more weakly. Somehow though, I see these two things connected. An optimistic person would say 'yes' when asked to do something right? Maybe it's just me, but I feel it is a way of proving that I am serious about this.

So here's how it plays out.

Sunday - Goal to be optimistic.

Monday - Told my dad about the goal because I figured that telling someone would hold me to it.

Tuesday - Optimism tested, I think I have passed.

Wednesday - Asked to teach the lesson Monday night at FHE (Family Home Evening)...note to readers, I don't go to FHE. I said, "I don't want to, I don't go, but I sustained you in your calling and that means I should say 'yes' when you ask me to help out." Assignment - Teach a 20 minute lesson on Charity.

Thursday - One of the Sunday School teachers calls and asks if I can cover for him this Sunday. Um, the last time I taught Sunday School it was to teenagers between the ages of 14 and 17 and they stared blankly at me the whole time but they stayed quiet because I bribed them with confectionery goodness. I have never taught Sunday School to people my age, and we are studying the Old Testament, but optimistic moment, it's the book of Job (seriously, I think it's the whole book) and the title of the lesson is "I know that my Redeemer lives." Which...I do know, so at least I've got that going for me.

It's funny though because if you know Job at all you know he's got quite the life. I've already read the first couple of chapters. Job was rich and righteous and yadda, yadda, yadda. So the Lord is like, "Check out Job, have you ever seen anyone like him?" and Satan basically says, "Well yeah, of course he's great he's got a thousand camels and hundreds of other animals, he's got these children he loves (even though they're not so righteous). He's got everything going for him, take that away and see how great he is." So the Lord is like, "Leave him alone, but have at it with all he possesses."

Satan takes his opportunity and suddenly a servant comes up to Job and is like, "All your sheep and servants caught fire, I'm the only one left alive." Before that guy finishes another servant comes up and says, "All your camels were stolen and your servants slayed, I'm the only one left alive." And so on and so on, one

RIGHT.

AFTER.

THE.

OTHER.

And then another comes and says, "All your kids were eating dinner together at your eldest son's home and the walls collapsed, killing all of them and all the servants, I'm the only one left alive."

Could you imagine!? Of course Job grieves, what person wouldn't. All of his children have died, all of his wealth is gone, all relatively at the same time. But he still trusts in the Lord...he's still - wait for it - optimistic that the Lord will take care of him.

So then the Lord is like, "Seriously, ever seen a guy quite like this?" and Satan says, "He still has his health, if he didn't have that he would curse you." Pretty much - it's easy to stay upbeat when you are still okay. So the Lord says, "Spare his life, but his health is yours." So Satan gives him BOILS...boils people, from "heel to the crown of his head" - and I think mosquito bites are torture.

Job's wife sees him and says, "Curse God and die." But Job will not, he calls his wife foolish for even saying that.

That's pretty much as far as I have gotten, his friends come and mourn with him and I think there's a lot to be said about friends who will come and cover themselves in ashes and sit quietly with you for several days. But the point is, Job has a lot of optimism - there is a lot to be learned from him. One verse I skimmed and liked was when he was saying how he will continue to trust in the Lord, he said, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him." I think it takes a great amount of Optimism to say, "No matter what happens, it will be okay because the Lord knows what He is doing."

In the end Job is blessed with double of everything he had, and he even has the same amount of children he had before (you think you're done after 10 - but if all 10 die I guess you just have 10 more). All in all, things end up pretty great for Job. So - Optimism rocks.

Of course, now I have to go and teach this and hope no one derails the class, or hope that someone at least speaks up. I also have to worry about passing out, hasn't happened before, but it might. There are so many reasons I didn't stick with the Elementary Education major.

A Veritable Smorgasbord.*

I went to the store today on my lunch break. We need water (as we will probably never trust the well water as a viable drinking source), and I had a few other things I wanted to pick up as well. Having already picked everything up I ventured to the frozen food section (this is why we don't shop hungry) and thought maybe I'd pick something up to take back to the office and heat up. The frozen food section wasn't really popular today, NO ONE was there. As I turned the corner a light came on in the doors directly across from me and over to my left. As I slowly traveled down the aisle I noticed that lights came on in the doors on either side of me. It was as though the contents of the doors finally saw me with their limited peripheral vision and turned on the lights to say, "Over here! Pick me!" Frozen pizzas, lean cuisine, concentrated orange juice, all calling my name with semi-bright, not so flashy lights. I was so distracted by this anomaly that I didn't even pay enough attention to actually settle on something for lunch. I walked right though and then went to the register.

But since we are on the topic of food, I was eating a Cheezit today and I thought about how there are some foods that give you the flavor blast at the beginning (flavor blast = the best taste the food can give you in the eating experience), some wait until you are in the middle of it, and others wait until the very end to show off its best flavor. All of course leave you wanting more. No matter when the flavor blast detonates you will find yourself wanting another of said food just to get that moment again.

But let's examine. A Cheezit is something that hits you right away, there's the cheese and the salt that hits your taste buds and jump into action. A chocolate (or in my case vanilla) covered pretzel doesn't do this right off the bat. You put one of those in your mouth and you've got the chocolate/vanilla...good - but not what you are going to grab one of these pretzels for. You bite into it and then you're hit with the flavor blast, the delicious mixture of salty and sweet in perfect harmony. Then there are things like jaw breakers. Where they taste good all the way through but the real prize is if you don't bite it and you let it get to that core that is slightly softer and kind of just disintegrates in your mouth (leaving you wanting another).

So then I'm talking to the Executive Admin (who sits outside of the CEO's office) and I'm telling her about the three stages of flavor blasts. As I am walking away her phone rings but the CEO (who I didn't notice was in his office) picks it up.

Slightly mortified, but not really cause it does take more to embarrass me, I come back to my desk and e-mail her saying, "Okay, next time warn me somehow that he's in there. I'm sure he doesn't need to hear my diatribe on flavor blasts in food." She just laughed.

Drama, drama, drama.*

My new goal: Optimism.

For those of you who know me (man, how many times do I write that phrase? 50 blog bucks for whoever is bored enough to find out)...anyway, let's get back on track. For those of you who know me, you know I'm not really what you would call an optimist. Realist is more like it, pessimist for the sake of not being disappointed but rather pleasantly surprised when things do or don't go wrong. It's a form of optimism I guess. My optimistic moments are usually my airhead moments where you wonder if any amount of intelligence exists within the creases or my brain...but enough about that.

My new goal, beginning this past Sunday, is to be more optimistic. The last goal I added on to my list was to develop greater some self discipline...it comes and goes. Now it's to be more optimistic. I think that generally I could be. It's the big things I'm trying to work out, life's plans that I have to stop telling myself won't happen. When life hands you lemons you make lemonade kind of thing.

So even though I have things going on in my life right now that I'm not too thrilled about, I know that things will work out in the end, for everyone's benefit, and if anyone tries to get in the way of my serenity...I'll punch them...with joy and happiness and pretty things.

So - I guess to commiserate this big moment in my life, I will leave you with 10 things to be happy about.

1. Yesterday I saw a bus being pulled over by a cop. How many people can say that they have seen a school bus pulled over? Pretty much the people in the car with me. I have now joined the ranks of special and unique.


2. I'm picking up harvest doughnuts from Krispy Kreme tomorrow morning (for someone's birthday), "Happy Birthday to you, hope there's a doughnut for me!"


3. It's almost fall!! One of my most favorite seasons is upon us...which means...it's almost Halloween! The weather already suggests fall is here too!


4. I feel really good. I feel like I've grown up a lot over the past two years and right now, I feel prepared to the point that I could handle anything that comes my way. (But I'm not telling fate to "bring it on")


5. I feel truly blessed for the people in my life. Each lead character in my life story teaches so much, more than they know. They teach me about life, self, religion, random facts, relationship skills, etc.


6. I don't stand in need of anything. I am able to take care of myself financially and emotionally and have everything I need (I want a Wii fit...but that's not a need so I'm still content).


7. Tonight is ultimate Frisbee night...I have grown to dearly love ultimate Frisbee


8. I am almost done with Mockingjay (though I don't know if to be happy or sad about that!)


9. I just had lunch with my family (a rather large chunk of it at least) and I got to spend the last couple of days with Martha and Jeff who were out here visiting


10. I'm going to be really close to having gone to all 50 states by the end of May!

Not the most deep and thought provoking list, but current things that make me feel like I can bear to be an optimist.

Is someone smoking within a six mile radius of where I'm standing?*

I recently finished reading the book Un Lun Dun by China Mieville. I have to admit it took me some time to get in to. The book begins in London and then enters into a mirror version of London call "Un Lun Dun" with other places connected to it like, "Parisnt". The reason I had difficulty is because, well because I am from Virginia. Reading a book based in London is one thing, you see a word and you think, "I wonder what that is?" You look it up and find out that it's a telephone or a toilet. But with this book it was, "What's that? Is it from London or is it a made up thing in Un Lun Don?" So, in Jessica fashion, I gave up on the book and read about 15 others before returning to it. Finally I told myself that I just needed to read it. My brother-in-law, Ben, is who lent it to me and I figured one day he'd like to get that book back, and he'd like to get it back knowing my thoughts on it. I can make stuff up pretty well, but not an entire book (...actually, I can) - maybe I should say a summary of a book, I can't make up a summary of a book.


I struggled through the beginning chapters (which were short little heaven sent chapters) and then suddenly, the book took off. Suddenly, I understood what I was reading. Right before I finished the book I wondered if that is what it is like to read Clockwork Orange, all nonsense at first and then the reward for sticking with it is that you will actually know what is happening. Maybe we'll try it (after I finish my 60-some books awaiting perusal).


My point in this blog is that I am jealous of China Mieville. He makes up this entire world Un Lun Dun and plays off of things in the real world, like the black window in Webminister Abbey, which really gives you the heebies. Or how giraffes are not all that cute (let's be honest here, ever since my first encounter with a giraffe I haven't been fooled). In fact, they are crazy carnivores (in Un Lun Dun...see below).


That's not cute. I saw a cute little cartoon drawing of a giraffe today and I thought, "eek, those things scare me." And not the way they used to scare me, it's on a deeper level now.

I'm jealous of China Mieville because I want to write well, I want to write stories that stick with you. I want to have an imagination that can make things up like black windows, binja (ninja trash bins), an ungun...I guess people have different styles, I doubt Charles Dickens could have written Un Lun Dun either, but that doesn't mean he wasn't a kick-butt writer.

When I read a really good book it leaves me with two feelings. I have the feeling of "I love this book!" coupled with the feeling of, "Crap, I'm not good enough." Who knows if I'll ever get published, I hope that I do, I would really, really like to have that happen some day. I'll do what I do and I guess we'll see.

I am beneath all of you, but nothing is beneath me!*

I am not dead. I suppose every once in a while a person could get to a point where they have nothing to say. This doesn't happen to me often because when I have nothing new to say, I find old things to say. And when I have neither new nor old, I just make crap up. Theories, syndromes, caste systems. The possibilities are endless with an overactive mind like mine. But lately I just haven't felt like writing. Seeing as how today I have completely caught up on all my work and have nothing to do for the next half hour...I write.

So once upon a time, back in eighth grade land (let's not talk about how many years ago that was) I was in my puke green gym suit playing ultimate Frisbee on the soccer field at school. Small groups of eighth graders were playing against small groups of seventh graders in a forced, non-competitive environment. Except one thing, I am competitive no matter what the dictates of my environment are and I despise cheaters.

What should appear amongst the throng of seventh graders playing against us? A cheater. Now...I can't remember details, and I refuse to believe that it is due to this event being so long ago, but rather that my mind has blocked it. It began to block it seconds into the confrontation because my friends will swear up and down that I said things that I don't recall saying. In retrospect, this all seems petty, but when I'm right - I'm right. In ultimate (at least middle school rules) you catch the Frisbee and can take three steps. This seventh grader took 4 or 5 and swore that she did not. We all saw it, we all knew it, but I apparently was the one to stand up about it (which is really actually, completely unlike me). The seventh grader and I got in a little verbal scrap - my first and final official fight within the school system. I do remember having to go to the guidance counselor and then sitting in her office crying and trying to get her to let me change schools, cause the grass is really greener on the other side (always). It didn't even have to do with the seventh grader at that point, I just wanted to change schools. No go on the school change. Anyway, that was the very randomly pieced together story of my bad experience with ultimate Frisbee. I avoided the sport for years.

A few years back however (and maybe it was just last year) I started to join the group of Ultimaters. A friend invited me, I went to just get some physical exercise. I figured I'd run up and down the field but nothing else. When someone on my team had the Frisbee I pointed out who they could pass it to - I had no desire to actually touch the Frisbee. Every once in a while someone would throw it to me, I'd most likely miss it, but when I caught it I felt really good inside. Pretty soon, I started to catch it more and more.

This year I've really enjoyed it. We play twice a week and I run up and down that field trying to get the Frisbee. I have even chosen it over basketball on more than one occasion. Last night was probably the best I've ever played (no seriously, not being cocky, just speaking seriously) it was awesome! My new goal had been to dive. I watched in awe as some of the guys would dive, tuck and roll, slide, etc. all in the name of catching the Frisbee. I am happy to report that I did all of those last night. It wasn't intentional, it was like the grass was wet, or the bottom of my shoes had lost all traction, but I was sliding all over the place, luckily 92% of the time I caught the Frisbee. I knocked down someone once too (all accidental). At one point the Frisbee was coming towards me, I thought for sure that a person on the other team was going to get it because there was no way that Frisbee was going to make it all the way to me, so I started to run forward as it started its descent towards the ground. I fell down on my knees so that my hands would be low enough to catch the Frisbee. My fingers slid under the Frisbee but my body was still in motion and as I grasped the Frisbee I did a little somersault and when that was done the Frisbee was still in my hand! I was shocked! It was exciting and I am happy to report that I absolutely love Frisbee, despite that bad experience back in middle school land.

Also, as with any sport, I am happy to report that I have a bruise right below my left eyebrow (from when the Frisbee said 'hello' to my face) and both of my knees are red and bruised. I love it!