Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Swine Flu

I normally don't like to post twice in one day but I felt like this one was important. My sister, Kathryn, sent it to me yesterday.
Given the recent outbreak of the swine flu I felt it appropriate to share with my readers how to avoid contamination. It's pretty simple and straight forward and could save a lot of pain and heartache in the end.


DON'T DO THIS!!

Who the fetch is Jack and why do I care about his Mannequin?

Tuesday night I will be headed out to the Jack's Mannequin concert with C$ and G-Sauce. I'm super excited because I absolutely love Jack's Mannequin. However I have come to the sad realization that not a lot of people know who Jack is. They've never heard the music! I had assumed, and apparently erroneously, that they were pretty mainstream, that they played on the radio quite a bit and the others also enjoyed the music. But so far, every time I've told someone I'm going to the concert I sit and wait for the ency to glaze over their eyes, rather they look at me and say, "Who's that? What do they sound like?" So here is a sample of what Jack's Mannequin sounds like.



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On a musically related note, I got my catalog for the No Doubt concert...a download that gives me access to every single No Doubt song recorded. Amazing, there are songs on there I never knew about and I thought I owned all the albums. Anyway, I was way excited to get that and am looking forward to the concert in June.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

You. Are my density.

Tuesday nights at Home Team Grill at the corner of Main and Vine they offer ½ off burgers. This is similar and yet so much better than the $1 burgers offered at Capital Ale House on Monday nights. See the problem with the burgers at Capital Ale house is you get what you pay for, whereas with Home Team Grill it’s you get what you would have paid for on any other night, but for ½ off. Capital Ale also makes you order a drink (they’re hoping alcoholic) and then they suck out all the flavorful goodness that a burger should be. I’m one of those weird people who like to eat their burgers plain, we’re talking bun and burger no additives. I find that if a burger is good then I am not missing out on a whole lot, but rather enjoying the perfection of some short order cook in the back. The burger I had at Capital Ale needed something…my guess was flavor, but whatever. I wanted to grab the salt shaker and go to town, but rather I opted for the ketchup bottle, and even then, it just wasn’t good. I ended up having a $6 tab (which isn’t bad, but when you go for $1 burger night you don’t expect a $6 tab) and the burger was just empty calories if you ask me, no amount of enjoyment derived from it. At Home Team Grill I get a plain burger as well, and the fries come with (did I not mention that the fries are a separate purchase at C.A.H.) and I can drink water if it is what I darn well please to drink and it is what I please to drink. These burgers are divinity on a bun, they are the reason I crave hamburgers at random times, day or night.

Side Note: For those of you who don’t know I spent most of my life avoiding hamburgers from any establishment. The cause is unknown, the only thing I do know is that I never had a desire to order a hamburger from anywhere. In fact, I avoided it at all cost. This is a recent development of mine that came about due to necessity I’m sure, I just can’t remember the necessity.

So last night a group of us went to Home Team Grill for the half off burgers. I had invited Orin and Jordan to come along but they were slow movers and I had assumed that they were not coming. But then I got a call from Jordan (after we had ordered) that they would be joining us (I know that in this moment this doesn’t seem pivotal to the story, and really, it’s not – but it makes the story flow better when I try to be as honest and direct as possible). So they got there after our food had arrived (they were down the street what took so long? But anyway). We pulled up a table and then waited for the waitress to come back over. Orin was asking what she looked like so we could get her attention, but there were so many and well, they all looked the same to me when they came out separately. She finally comes up to take their drink orders and when she left Orin made a comment that she was beautiful. Which made me laugh because he has mentioned before how he feel in love with a waitress and it seems to be a regular occurrence for him to fall in love with girls who serve him food…I just can’t put my finger on the why of it all, hmmm.

So I start to encourage him to say something to her. He says he just gets nervous and shuts down. Then we had a check for her that was left on the table we pulled over so I had it under the ketchup bottle so it wouldn’t blow away (p.s. we were sitting outside) and she came over and Jordan grabbed it and handed it to her and she was grateful and left. I brought Jordan in close (and Orin, he needed to hear this too), I told Jordan that he could not be the waitresses hero, it would have been better had he conferred with the group before handing her the check because what should have happened is that it should have been handed to Orin and he could have been the hero of the evening. These boys need all the help they can get from me. So the night goes on, every time the waitress (Marie) comes over I shot a glance at Orin and he would make a face that would suggest his love for our waitress was more than he could bear. Then, it was as if fate had given us another opportunity for Orin to be the hero. There was another check on the ground, must have blown off one of the tables. Orin picks it up and when she comes back over he tells her this was on the ground, and I’m guessing the tip was good because Orin said, “He really loved you.” She laughed (good job Orin) and then she was trying to remember which customer it was and mentioned that if she hadn’t been working…trail off, and Orin says, “I love you too.” But in a non-creepy way, trust me I was there. It was just the perfect timing. I was so proud of him. Unfortunately Orin doesn’t believe in asking out waitresses, so he did not. But we did establish that he will come and stand outside of the restaurant whenever she is working, rain or shine and just stare in through the window. I told him that he couldn’t ruin this for me, Home Team Grill is the best thing that ever happened to me, ½ off burgers on the one night that I am already downtown for a class, which happens to have plenty of people I love to hang out with after class, and like I said before, you get what you would have gotten had you paid full price. Amazing. That and Jordan and Orin are always fun company and anyone who is reading this who has hung out with them…you know exactly what I’m talking about. I think the phrase is “they had me in stitches”.

But they weren't the only ones there, I feel rude not shouting out to Bryan, Kelli, and Caitlin! Without whom I wouldn't have had the rant on the over empowerment of the government (not as serious as it sounds, but seriously ridiculous) we were talking about dumb laws, because laws are usually there because someone did it and we feel the need to regulate it right? Well...why in the world is it a state or town's business if you want to carry an ice cream cone in your back pocket on a Sunday (seriously Georgia? You want to enact that law?) I just got confused as to when it became important to mandate common sense. So anyway, we were having a good time talking about what we thought was a law, that you couldn't cross the state line with a chicken on your head. I tried to imagine why that would be illegal, I think I would need to know the why to be a law abiding citizen, let's face it, I'm not up for blindly following politicians. Can the chicken cross the state line with you? Just not on your head? Can you just not have a live chicken on your head at the time of crossing? Can said chicken be on your head before and after crossing the state line?? Oh my goodness, I could devote a whole post to dumb laws so I will be shutting up now. Thanks you and good night.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

10 Years!! ...Not for the Weak.

Some people blog about how long they have been married, their children's birthdays, the cool things that they have done, etc. I am going to blog about the longest commitment I have ever made. This day, ten years ago, I committed to no longer eat chocolate.



In honor of this momentous occasion I have decided to present you with the ten things of chocolate goodness that I used to adore (and now remember as vaguely as my first love).

#1 Chocolate-Chocolate Chip Cookies - This has to be number one because it is the chocolate-chocolate chip cookie that got me into trouble. I was eating one of these when the dare was issued. And to be honest, I don't even remember what these taste like. Kind of sad in a way.





#2 Cookies and Cream Ice Cream - Because if I didn't feel obligated to name Chocolate-Chocolate chip cookies as number one this would have been the winner.



#3 Cadbury Creme Eggs - We're talking good memories here! I have to admit that holidays just aren't the same when you don't eat chocolate (Not that I'm going to start, look at my list - I would gain 300 pounds in a week if I started to eat chocolate again). But these take me back to my childhood. Sticky fingers from melting chocolate in one hand as my pointer finger from the other scooped out the goods. Sweet, sticky messiness.





#4 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - Nuff said.



#5 Fudge - Chocolate so rich it tickles your mouth.






#6 The Entenmann's chocolate covered doughnut.





#7 Oreos - and that's how I used to eat them too (oh if only mom had let me). Thank goodness for Golden Oreos...and I actually like them better than anything chocolate.



#8 Butterfingers - I think I loved the way to eat them more than anything. Pick off all of the chocolate with your teeth, and then (with your teeth again) pick off a layer at a time of the crispy peanut butter.









#9 The Thin Mint - Mint and chocolate, and they were crunchy. So good. I have actually found a replacement for these. I make brown sugar cookies and then I add in Andies Peppermint Chips (no chocolate). The taste reminds me of them (may be off a little) and I love them!

#10 Brownies a la Mode - Come on...ice cream and chewy brownie...together? What's not to like? And yet I haven't partaken in ten years.


That' s my list! I hope you all survived, I admit it probably wasn't nice of me to throw in the visuals. Sorry about that - but for the first 2 years it wasn't nice for anyone to eat chocolate. Karma.
I get by with my none chocolate things though (thank goodness). Thanks to everyone who has looked out for me and shame on all of you who have tried to trip me up. I know this post was probably the most boring thing I have ever posted, so thanks for hanging in there to this point.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Mental Health

Almost everyday I see a sign that points to Hollywood Cemetery. I have been to H.C. many times before, but I have never been by myself. For those of you who don't know (and technically that still includes myself) a little background on Hollywood Cemetery. This cemetery was designed to be dual functioning. Not only is it a resting place for the deceased, but it is also like a park. Not an incredibly amusing park, but one where you walk trails, contemplate life, break a sweat, all in the comfort of being surrounded by dead people's last resting place.


Sounds creepy, and I admit for someone with an overactive imagination such as myself it tends to creep me out. Another cool thing about H.C. though is that a lot of famous people are buried there, famous in a political - founding fathers kind of way, which to me is way better than famous-famous.


Not to mention that even though I know now my sister (Joanna) was making it up when she told me that the ground was soft on graves was because the dead person was going to reach up and pull me in and trade places with me (and my family would love the deceased person better), I still have this slight fear of walking on too close to graves. What I'm saying is, I did a cool thing going by myself to H.C.


The weather was beautiful, not too hot - not too cold, all I needed was a light sweater*. I went with the intent and purpose of working on my story, of going to a bench/tombstone that I had been to before when letter boxing and sitting down and writing my heart out. What I ended up doing was pulling out my camera and taking pictures. Eventually though I went to the presidential steps, sat at the top and overlooked the river. Then I did write, I wrote quite a bit, but it wasn't for the story I was hoping to overcome my writer's block for...it was the "second" story, the sequel if you will, which may never come to fruition (let's be honest, neither story will). But anyway, long story incredibly shortened though it might be too late for that. Here are some pictures I took from H.C. ...enjoy.

My view of the river when I finally sat down to write.
The train that distracted me and I thought, "Oh Jacob (my nephew) would love to see this!


A bench, which I personally wouldn't have sat on anyway, but after I noticed something a little off I definitely wouldn't sit down on it.

...and in case you are visually impaired it is that this is a trileg bench...not a good idea

Some views....




I have a ton more pictures of flowers, but I figure this is enough.

Say hello to McCreepy. While taking the picture I kept half expecting him to move, which would have probably scared me to death. But I had my heart pumping rapidly with the simple thought that he might move. Maybe say G'day. This is why I don't go to places like cemeteries on my own. I have an over active imagination.

The next ones are just photos that I took that I thought would look better in black and white (really it's just the "charcoal" feature)




And if that weren't enough...the highlight of the day would be this gem. Notice what the license plates says. I couldn't get a better shot because I noticed it while at a stop light, and I was waiting to make a left hand turn. As I got my camera out the light turned green and I had people behind me so I just started moving and hoped for the best. All things considered I think it turned out well.

Well, that's it for today, hope you enjoyed!

I've had some smelly ones before but yours by far is the smelliest

My roommates and I are having a bit of a problem with neighbors. It's to be expected, not only do we live in the suburbs, but we also live in a cul-de-sac.


Neighbors are "friendlier" there, but a lot more nosey as well. We should have figured when the two little boys that live across the street started to spill the beans about the neighbors. They knew everyone, in every house, and who drove which cars. It didn't take them long to learn all of our names and which cars we drove. If the children are like that then what must the adults be like?


Don't get me wrong, I like my neighbors. I'm not used to their level of friendliness, but I like them. Neighbor to the left...whose name I never remember is always looking out for us. He let's us know if one of the tires in the car is getting low, etc. Neighbor to the right however, is just creepy. I call him Ted Bundy and I wish that he wouldn't hang out in his driveway in nothing but what appears to be a pair of swimming trunks.


Anyway, on to my week. It all start Sunday morning when the cops were called on my dog. That's right, Chubbers that little fiend. He's totally going through his teenage rebellious stage and on Sunday apparently struck the final nerve with one of my neighbors. He likes to get out of the yard (his nickname is Houdini). We quickly brought him back in but less than an hour later there was a loud, heart quickening knock on the door. My roommate went to answer it and was face to face with a cop...never saw his car, but that's alright...why would a cop park outside of the house he was going to? And why was I looking around for his car while he was talking to me? Cause he was talking to me only a few minutes after he knocked on the door. If I can't keep Chubbers locked away then I could be hit with some serious fines. I understood the gravity of the situation, but I was still bugged about it.


I got over it though, I make sure that Chubber's can't get out and pretty soon I'll fix the back porch so that he can't jump right off or push through my makeshift "fence". The rest of the week was going moderately well. I was apparently oblivious to the notice taped to our door talking about our grass and the "friendly" stranger who came knocking saying that he heard we needed our grass cut.



We are but four single girls living sans lawn mower and for the past year have depended on our old roommate's dad to mow the lawn. That arrangement seems to no longer be on. So we were making new arrangements to borrower a lawn mower and to mow the lawn ourselves. I admit the grass was a little out of control, but we're all busy and like I said, sans mower. We finally got the mower on Wednesday, I planned to mow the lawn on Thursday. Thursday afternoon my land lady calls my cell phone and tells me that they received a notice about our grass and how it was in violation of some 12-inch regulation.

Eh...it probably was...but still. Then she says that the notice says we have until the 28th to mow the grass or we will be fined $250. Have I ever said that I hate the government? Seriously? You can regulate the grass length? I was a sociology major, I get the whole exorbitant fines to keep people in line, especially the lower class since they really can't afford to pay such fines. But I also have a little pride in me that only too well remembers conflict theory. That and I've always kind of been looking for a good fight. Part of me didn't want to mow the lawn just because someone had a problem with our yard. One of our neighbors ratted us out, no doubt the same one trying to put my dog in the clink.


I don't mean to rant, and I don't think I did that badly, and just because it made it into the blog doesn't mean that I don't take it seriously. I take it seriously...it just annoys me.

I can't help but think that we are viewed as the trashy house in the neighborhood. "The renters" who don't mow their lawn, have a rabid dog on the loose, and are just a lower class than the rest. Pretty soon we'll have old cars hanging out on the front lawn on cinder blocks (after we just replace the grass with dirt) and we'll rent some guy with a pot belly and wife beater who can hang outside in a lawn chair smoking cigarettes all day and drinking beer. At least it would give Neighbor on the Right, Ted Bundy, someone to get along with.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I carry a pencil, I'm a lawyer, that's what I do!

I'm accident prone, I believe that this has been established numerous times. However, nothing too bad has happened in the past couple of years. No broken bones, no major car accidents, no high degree burns (granted I hit my head with my straightener the other day and then there is the oven burn when I tried to warm a girl scout cookie (bad idea by the way)...and this is when I realize that I don't think I have blogged about my experience trying to warm a girl scout cookie in the oven...I think it is so. That story must come first now).

Okay, so I'm accident prone, I still have ten fingers, ten toes, both eyes, ears, a nose, etc. I was going to tell you that I have advanced to just dropping things, but as I write all the little accidents keep coming to mind.

(Okay, I feel like I've blogged this, so if it's a repeat I'm sorry). A lot of few weeks ago (back when girl scout cookies had just come out) I was eating one of the short bread cookies. As I was chewing on this morsel of heaven I thought to myself, "I bet this would taste good warmed up." As most cookies do. So I took another bite and then walked over to the oven, which was already on because sometimes in the wintry days I would turn it on while I was in the kitchen for warmth. I pulled open the oven door and looked into the burning hot cavern and a thought popped into my mind, "fold up a piece of foil and set the cookie on it." I looked at the rack in the middle, mentally measuring the distance between one rod to the next and thought, "naw, I can place it right on the rack." That little thought that had popped into my head wheezed away like a balloon that someone had been working on but hadn't yet tied off, and as it wheezed away I heard a harsh whisper, "fine moron." I felt certain that I could place the cookie directly on the rack and not have to worry about preparing a piece of foil for a safer and smarter way to do this. But even with all my certainty there was still a speck of doubt. So like any intelligent, college graduate I put my right hand between the two racks and prepared to drop the cookie with my left. The right hand would easily catch it should it fall through, and the left had to drop it to avoid direct skin to hot metal contact. It was the perfect plan. What I forgot to factor in was the fact that when something scares me my whole body jumps in some way or another. I also forgot to factor in that just like you can't look at both eyes in a staring contest, you can't concentrate on both hands when they are in danger and must retreat in opposite directions. As the left hand dropped the cookie (this is in slow motion by the way) the right hand braced itself to stay still, no sudden movements. As the cookie slowly approached it's failing point, the point it was sure to turn ever so slightly and fall through the crack, my left hand was already on it's panic course. Having built up the anxiety of how much it would hurt to accidentally hit the metal rack in the middle of the oven my left had reacted as though it actually did...when it had in fact, not touched it at all. The result: My right hand stay perfectly still, not even moving slightly to catch the cookie as it indeed had fallen straight through, while my left hand flung up to the roof of the oven. Once there, the red hot coils seared the delicate flesh of the backside of my hand. ...So what did I do you might ask? Well, I don't like to experience pain for no gain, so I grabbed the cookie, put it on the counter and I stuck my hand under the ice cold water (which is painful for me because my hands are usually cold and when they have contact with cold water they are slow to recover and they actually hurt). After 2.5 seconds I grabbed a piece of foil, folded it up, and put the cookie back in the oven, then I went back to the water until I felt ample time had passed for the cookie to warm. Then I went and bit into it.
I would like to be able to tell you that the warmed shortbread cookie was quite possibly the best thing that man has ever tasted. I would like to tell you that I felt all the pain had been worth it. But unfortunately all I can tell you is that a warmed shortbread cookie taste (and feels) about the same way it would had you left the package opened, in your car during a heat wave...for three weeks.
Oh and I would like to have a happy ending and tell you some incredible benefit from this story and say, "but not all is lost" but really, all was lost, the rest of the cookie was a waste, time and energy that I'll never get back, a square of foil that served no real purpose in this life. If I was looking for self mutilation I would have achieved something that day, but as is...nothing.

Now the "simply dropping" spaghetti story is not nearly as interesting, and therefore I will just graze over it quickly, if even at all. I lost a whole box of spaghetti to the germ infested floor the other night. That's it. It fell, not once, not twice, but in three different events. So long 78 cent box of angel haired pasta, you shall be missed.

And just in case any of you thoroughly enjoy my stories of blood and carnage that my oh so high IQ can't even seem to stop, there is the most recent story of the butter and knife.

I was making rice, fried rice but not really, more like half fried rice the way my mom makes it. To do this, you start out with butter. I had purchased butter sticks a few weeks ago for just such culinary needs as this. However, I had also frozen the butter. Not a problem, not for anyone with a cutting board and some counter space and a rather sharp knife...I figure one out of three ain't bad.
So sans cutting board and counter space Captain Genius here thought it would be perfectly okay to attempt cutting the frozen rock hard butter while cradled in the palm of my hand (I realize now of course that I'm a blazing idiot). So I attempted this while talking to my roommates. Things were going well at first, the knife had finally moved a centimeter into the butter when suddenly it slipped!!!! I would have never thought it possible but yes folks, the knife slipped from the butter and grazed my hand. I said a few choice "ows" and then checked out the damage on my hand, a little messed up looking, but no blood no foul right? I think I did grab a plate at this point though and cut the rest of the butter. It wasn't until later that I looked down at my hand, thought something was on it so went to pick it off and realized it was my skin. Still didn't bleed though, good thing, but stung like no other (still does with warm water).

Okay, the accident train is leaving the station now. Sorry if this was a long one.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Based on Performance

Okay, since I have permission from a majority of commenter's I will continue to blog as the whim hits me.

And the whim has already hit today. The reason for this? Fax machines.

The story(ies).
As a grand omen to the way my Friday would go, the heaven's opened and sent a dear, sweet, young lady to my workstation who wanted to fax something. Back in the day (a few short months ago) we had our fax machine (pictured above) and our printer (pictured below) next to each other on a beautiful, round table outside of Boss Lady's office. However, since this was an HR fax machine we had it moved over by my workstation and left the printer alone on the table. In lieu of our machine we had IT set up two additional fax machines on the third floor for the "other" employees to use. So this morning, this particular lady comes to ask me to help her fax something. I thought it was an odd request, I'm not known for my amazing faxing skills or anything (not that they really require that much skill), but I thought, "what the heck." She is one of my favorite people that I rarely talk to (do you have people like that? I have favorites and not favorites of people I interact with, then there are the ones you rarely interact with, and then the ones you only see walking past your workstation...P.S. I like lists, and I make them for everything). Digression! So as I am standing up to help said individual fax a document on the oh so complicated machine, she says, "I can't figure out where the numbers are." Without missing a beat I realize what she has done. She has walked up to our printer and assumed it was a fax machine...pictured now:

I....can't see it, I want to see it, but I can't. It's a printer. She was right though, the lack of buttons is a problem. I smile and tell her that it's our printer, and then I walk her to the proper fax machine (not even telling her about ours because even though this thing is right out there in the open people don't see it...kind of like when I dance). Once she lays eyes on the fax machine she laughs. I tell her she's not the first (and she's not, it's how i knew so quickly that the problem was not that the fax machine had somehow swallowed it's buttons, but that instead she had stepped up to use our printer for a function it was unfamiliar with and unequipped for). It was just a bright spot in the morning, not that the morning was ghastly, it's Friday, how could it not automatically be a good day? Barring, of course, the death of loved ones, car accidents, computer crashes, break-ups, cell phone catastrophes, and being chased by squirrels...but those are things that tend to wait for Mondays anyway. Pretty much it was just a good laugh that only enhanced an already smooth sailing day.

However, even though this seems the end it is not the end. The fax business continued! I received a call this morning from a lady named Michelle, she was trying to do a verification of employment and thought I had been ignoring her fax, when in reality I never received it. So I had her send it again and then we discovered that we didn't have paper in ours. As soon as we put paper in, Michelle's fax comes through. I respond and send it back. Then she calls about an hour later making sure that I had received the fax and that I had gotten her original message (check, check). Her machine was telling her that the fax wasn't going through. I was happy to report that the fax had been received and sent and then she informed me that I missed a spot. So I filled it in and sent it again and haven't heard back so I'm hoping that means she's doing well.

In between that I got a message from a frantic woman named Jeanne who apparently was running in circles and not getting anywhere. She was relieved when I called her back and explained her situation, I took pity on the woman, gave her our fax number and had her send it. But then I waited and waited and it never came. I was beginning to think that Jeanne walked up to a printer and tried to put it through. Worse yet, maybe she was under the impression that it worked. But it finally came and I wonder if I was supposed to call her because I felt like she said she was going to call me, I mean, why else did she get my direct line? Then I thought, "This is too much like dating."

And last but not least...remember back in the beginning, back when you had a full day ahead of you and you were oh so excited and then you sat down to read my blog and slowly felt your life slip away? Good times right? Our fax machine...moved because it is a confidential fax. There is one and only one employee who still walks back here and uses it, despite the fact that she has to pass two others before she even gets here. Every time she comes over Dilbert and I talk about how we need to find a way to tell her that she can't use our fax machine. So today when this girl came back to use ours, Dilbert called me over to her workstation and we devised a plan. We would write a note!! Cause everyone knows that notes are the best passive aggressive way to get your message across. Not only did we print out not one, but two notes stating that this was a confidential, our department use only fax machine...but we put it on top of blue paper to "make it pop". So we shall see how that goes.
Phew...and all of this before lunch.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Bad Day?

Sorry for posting so much lately. I'll stop I promise. But I just couldn't help myself when I came back to my desk after a meeting and found this e-mail sitting in my inbox. Just to give you a little background...this is not the first, or the second e-mail (or maybe even the third) calling for "common sense" when smoking. It started politely in January with a simple reminder that there is a designated area and that cigarette debris should be properly disposed of "in it's proper receptacle, not on the ground." Then in March we received one that just warned against the dry conditions we have been having and how there was a small fire on a mulch pile. Luckily though it was caught and no one was hurt. Then Monday (this Monday) we got another one reminding everyone of the dry conditions and that there was "improper disposal of lit tobacco products" and how there have now been three mulch fires. Then this morning...this one. Now I receive the e-mails before the rest of the employees because J (you remember her from Casual Friday right?) usually forwards them. I have yet to see J forward this one and it's been an hour...I'm just saying. Okay, okay, on to the e-mail.

NO SMOKING!!

This is a non smoking facility! However, we have been finding tobacco products in the restrooms and in the trashcans as well as the lingering smell of cigarette smoke.

Also, folks are continually dropping tobacco debris on the ground as well as in the trash cans outside of the main entrances. Folks, we need to use common sense when putting smoking products into the trash cans. This is an accident waiting to happen.

If folks cannot adhere to the policies set forth, the next step may be to completely ban smoking on the campus. Of course, we want to be conducive to all but at the same time, folks must follow the policies and guidelines set forth.

The smoking shelter is the designated smoking area for this building, not the loading dock, and not the entrances/exits to the building.

Please pass this on to your staff and ensure this message is communicated.

...Smoking is a bad habit anyway. I don't know, maybe if you had read how polite and professional the previous e-mails had been, or maybe there's the escalation involved...but when she whipped out the "lingering smell of cigarette smoke" and the "folks" I knew she was ticked.

Okay, I get it, I'll stop posting for a while.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Easter - Send white chocolate peanut butter eggs

As usual I spent Easter Sunday with the fam. Joanna and Ben were in town so that means I got to spend time with Jacob and Tommy! Jacob however didn't make himself accessible for photos this time, which I didn't notice until yesterday when I put the pictures on my computer, and by then it was too late to get pictures of him! Tommy however was right there for the camera, that kid is a ham. He sees the camera and he smiles and says, "Cheese!"

When I first got to the house I was informed by Theo that I had to find the candy he bought me. I searched high and low for about .025 seconds when I spotted an orange box across the room. Reese's pieces, these must be for me. I went straight for it without thinking, "I should probably act like I don't see it." You know, like you do when you play hide-n-seek with a little kid and they are trying to hide behind that tree right in front of you and you might even have made eye contact with them already but you pretend you haven't the foggiest where they are. Theo's "almost ten" as he puts it so he should just learn to get over it. Theo is 8 by the way, but he thinks he is almost ten, to which I replied, "Yeah, and I'm almost 30." The best part is though, Theo bought a package of Reese's pieces for Bryan and he hid those a lot better than he hid mine. We wandered around the whole house looking for another bright orange box, expecting it to be just as easy to find as mine. Where was it? In the family room underneath a pile of blankets...cause that would be my first guess. The best part of course being that Theo forgot where he hid them, otherwise we would have found the box sooner.

After dinner we cleared the table and played Balderdash like the good old days. This would be when Theo announced that he was almost ten. He came to ask if he could play and I being the punk that I am, told him he could not play because the box clearly states 10 and up. He says, "I'm almost 10!" But I believe that a part of him secretly realized that this was not true because he didn't huff and puff, he just got quiet.
The pictures you are seeing of Mom and Tommy are ones I took while we were getting ready to play Balderdash. They were so cute together! Mom would make a noise or a face and then Tommy would copy.


Balderdash got pretty good, but not as good as it gets when Matt is playing with us. I feel a game coming on while we're in Utah for Martha's wedding! Then we went outside to play! Jacob likes to do this thing where he takes his bike into the utility room and closes the door. Then he opens the door and announces that the fire engine is coming and then he rides his bike out. It seems easy enough, but there is a drop to the patio, then a drop from the patio to the ground. Jacob can handle himself, plus he's got a bike that can better handle itself. Tommy, does not...what Tommy has is not what I would call a bike...more like a trike. However, Tommy doesn't think about that, he sees what Jacob is doing and wants to do it too. Luckily this is when Aunt Jessica walks up to the scene. Tommy trying to lug his trike up onto the back patio/porch. I told him it wasn't a good idea, but he insisted, so I insisted on being right there in his face ready to catch him (I'm such a good aunt (said like Gretchen Wieners in "Mean Girls")). Then I convinced him that riding down the Donbrosky speedway (AKA the D.S.) would be more fun.

Even then he almost toppled over. The kid is accident prone. After successfully convincing Tommy to race down the D.S. I convinced Bryan to do so. Sure he's a little big for the bike, but that's never stopped Kathryn before. I think she's gone down on every sized bike, of course, she is shorter and can actually be on the bike as it moves...details.

After hanging out with my folks I went home and Roommate Anne had made a roommate Easter cake. The girl is so flipping creative. Each of the peeps represents someone from the house. I am the blue peep because I have an unnatural affinity to blue food. Anne is the brown (or chocolate) peep at the top with the bikini, she's brown because she has an aversion to colored food (especially blue)...in a way we have a very symbiotic relationship, I'll eat her blue food and she'll eat my chocolate.
Overall I'd give this Easter an 8.5 on the fun scale. I'd give it higher but White Chocolate Reese's' Eggs didn't make it into my basket so it's got a 1 failing right there, and a .5 failing for having to chase after my mom's dog, Nikita(yeah, like Le Femme). Which led to having to pretend I heard what her neighbors yelled out to me. I don't like strangers, I don't ask them to repeat themselves. I wave, smile and if I deem appropriate, I nod. Therefore another .5 points shaved off the top.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Let's talk about punctuation

Okay, so right off the bat, after reading the title, those who know me are thinking, "What the? She can't talk about punctuation, she sucks at punctuation." It's true, it's a rare disease, Grammardisintrestia. I discovered I had it when I would zone out for weeks at a time during the "grammar portion" of English class. I was far more interested in the Literary portions. Luckily the teacher was wise and broke up the two different portions so that we never got overloaded. However, I never learned anything about punctuation. I mean, I get it, a period at the end of the sentence, an exclamation when yelling or very excited, a question mark when you just don't get it. However, probably most apparent, when the heck do you use a comma? Semi-colon? Colon? Or ellipses? I misuse the comma and the ellipses the most. I love those little ellipses and anytime I want a dramatic pause I add them. Is that what they are there for? In my world it's a definite yes.

...just kidding (about the ellipses, not about the last paragraph). Except all I wanted to do after writing those "..." was to type three more, I have a problem, I should seek therapy. Point of this? Sometimes the misuse of punctuation can change the message all together.

My dear, sweet, short, sister Kathryn knows of which I speak. She is infamous for the over and incorrect usage of the "?!?!?!" I use the "?!?!?!" for "Oh my word! Are you flippin kidding me?!?!?!" My sister uses them like so, "I'm going to the bank after work?!?!?!" ...what does that mean exactly? I usually call her on it and ask if it's a question, an exciting moment, or an invitation. It's usually an invitation, but one can never get too comfortable, after all it could change.

But let's talk about my favorite, the ellipses. Now that you know how I use them (for a dramatic pause) you'll better appreciate the following. While I was boss-less I was in charge of communicating with the recruiter. Do I like this? No...but mostly because I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to be doing with this. I was not trained in this, I wasn't even informed what is normally done, I was just told to give her a call and check up on something and since then she has been e-mailing me stuff. So she wrote me on Friday to check up on two resumes she had sent me. I wrote her back telling her I was still waiting (I told her on Monday that the guy making the decisions on these two was out of town until next week). I thanked her for checking up though because I didn't know how else to close the e-mail. Some kind of thanks was in order right? I just didn't know what kind, so I made it that. She wrote back: "OK........sounds good. Thanks."
What does that mean!?
How I read it *with a valley girl accent* "OK...uh...sounds good. *insert eye roll*. Thanks or whatever." Made me feel funny, not in a good way. I was wondering what I said to receive such a juvenile response of acceptance. I don't know what more I could have said to not get this response. But then, I checked an older e-mail from her for some unrelated reasons and I noticed at the end of one of them it said, "Thank you......Have a great weekend." And yes, she always uses more than just three, so if there are more than three is it not technically an ellipsis? So maybe it's not so bad when she writes it, maybe it just means she has afterthoughts. What do you think?

Friday, April 10, 2009

NO ONE ELSE works on Good Friday

Just in case you were wondering, I am sitting in the office bored out of my mind. I am working, but bored. I am scanning and if you've ever scanned large amounts of documentation then you are well aware that scanning only involves a whopping .0064% of your brain power. If you don't

do something to off set the lack of brain power there could be horrible ramifications, such as a lack of oxygen to the brain cells and an inability to function past 11 o'clock in the morning. I am fighting the "I'd rather slice my eyes apart while in the socket with a piece of paper" feeling and a subsequent, highly unattractive, facial tick.

This leads to the fact that I have nothing to blog about, but I must blog for sanity's sake.

So here's your story for the day. It's a tale told by an airhead, full of sound and dullness, signifying nothing (50 blog bucks to the first person who can tell me where that came from...granted it's a variation of course, which is why the price is so high. Come on people 50 BBs (which of course are like the points in "Who's Line Is It Anyway" - they have no real worth)). Where was I? Oh yeah, my story.

So at work I am in charge of the "resume" inbox. I get first view of every resume sent in for possible job openings. I don't really care for them, I barely skim them, and today I don't even want to print them out. It doesn't help that I don't have a boss or anyone to turn them over to so why print them? Where will they go? Nowhere that's where. So today I rebelled. I refuse to print out the one resume I have in that inbox. But just so I won't completely forget it's there I set it up in Outlook so that it looks like there is a new message. What I didn't anticipate was the fact that on slow days I get really excited to see the blue (1) next to the "inbox". Therefore, without thinking I go to click on the "inbox" and then the message I have been trying to preserve becomes "read" rather than "unread". So I set it to be "unread"...again, and then twenty minutes later fall for it...again. I'm trying not to look at my Outlook so that I won't be duped anymore.

Wait...hold the phone, another story for you. As I said in my title no one works on Good Friday. Which means that the underwriters in the company don't have brokers to talk to, which in turn means that they are sitting at work with nothing to do (nice to know I'm not alone). My prediction was that while they had nothing "productive" to do they would start noticing things. They might find that the water in the bathroom doesn't warm up fast enough, that something is wrong with their chair...they might decide to finally look at their pay stub, or to change their tax amount. All of these lead to them calling, e-mailing, or dropping by the department. It's all fine and good, I don't mind helping people, but we get bombarded at times like these, because people forget that you might have something to do (and as it turns out, I do...it's just boring).

I was standing at the front desk today, talking to my friend and I noticed one of the underwriters come out and stand by the elevators. Our lobby has four elevators, I've written about them before. <- that's a link. Anywho, he gets on the elevator to the left and it closes and takes him away, and five minutes later he is getting off the elevator on the right. He probably just forgot something and had to turn around and go get it, but I would rather think that he was just that bored. Or perhaps was honing is magician skills. Either one works for me.

Oh and just to prove my point, I've already had someone come and ask where they can get a new W-4 form. Let the games begin.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

It seemed like a good idea at the time

Tuesday I went to the dentist. I don't really like the dentist, but it's not the torturous experience it was in the past. Connie was there, she's the dental hygienist that usually cleans my teeth. However, Connie did not clean my teeth last time, some amateur did and it was horrible.

So I walk in yesterday and Connie is all smiles as usual and tells me that she's ready for me before I even finish signing in. So I walk on back and have a seat. I look to the left of me and notice that the little spout is still spouting water into one of those little plastic cups. It is overflowing, water is gushing over the rim of the cup and making it's way to the little drain. I point at the cup to let her know and I say something about I think it's overflowing (despite the fact that I know it is) and she says, "No, it's fine it just opened for a minute, nothing is coming out." Confused I continue to stare at the water and then it hits me, she is talking about my purse. So I chance telling her again but I add a "no the water" and point (I'm so good using my words). So she hits a button and tries to get it to stop and tells me that this dental chair has problems. ...That's comforting.


She gets to work cleaning my teeth and Connie has a gift for gab...if the gift wasn't coupled with a desire for a response we'd be perfect. But even though she likes to get a response, I don't mind her talking. Makes things less awkward for me. She starts to tell me how her husband has this conference out in Salt Lake and how she's debating whether or not to go. Then she explains what her husband does (Environmental Engineer) and then...she tells me a little tidbit of information that was "new to me" knowledge. It turns out that Smokey the Bear is a fiend.

You see, a couple decades ago (roughly 7) someone thought that we should start preventing forest fires. Seemed like a good idea at the time right? I thought so. But Connie tells me that the fact that little forest fires don't happen we get big forest fires that frequently try to wipe out California.




She said that without the little fires clearing out some of the brush it builds up and then big ones happen. I don't know, she had a sharp object in my mouth at the time, hard to pay close attention to things when that is happening. But it is interesting that they have been increasing lately. And her husband is an environmental engineer, who am I to disagree? Interesting lesson here though, don't try to save the little ones they will only bring down the big ones in the end (take that how you want it, I kind of take it to a political level but I don't talk politics anymore).


Unfortunately I can't find anything to back this theory up on the Internet, but of course, if you're a conspiracy theorist then it's really just a big government cover-up. Smokey the Bear after all is really just a cuddly version of Uncle Sam.



Except of course, slightly more intimidating because he's showing you his shovel, and what do you do with shovels??? You bury people.

Like this poster below, he's like the God Father of bears:



...notice one of the members from Smokey's gang in the background. That doe crossed the line and with this poster they are sending a message to us all. Don't cross the Smokey Bears of the world. Smokey stands ready with his shovel to bury the evidence. The "shameful waste" is really referring to the fact that they shouldn't have to off the deer, just like they hope they don't have to do the same to us. But only you can prevent that.

Anyway, as Connie is cleaning my teeth she tells me that they are the perfect size for my face and that they are a nice shape. Thank you Connie. Then she gives me a goody bag (for reals people) . I normally just get a toothbrush, but I got floss, a toothbrush, kiddie fluoride something, Listerine (orange), and a flier...in a bag! It was like leaving a kid's party.

Yeah. I realize that this is a completely random post, so I'm sorry about that. But I couldn't sit back and deny the half-naked truth of Smokey the Bear any longer. I promise (scratch that I don't do promises) that the next post won't be as weird.

Monday, April 6, 2009

There was a Bee*

Saturday morning I was driving in my car down I-95 and my windows were rolled up, so when something flew towards my face I freaked a little...I may or may not have closed my eyes for split second as I swatted the unidentified entity in an attempt to protect my face from whatever it might be. More importantly my eyes and mouth because gag me should whatever is floating around in my car hit my eye or enter my mouth.

After reopening my eyes to see nothing I began to think that maybe I overreacted. That is until I took my exit off of the interstate and as I turned to look out the left side to make sure everything was okay, I saw this little guy. Well, not this little guy. Had I had my wits about me and my camera in the front seat rather than the back I would have taken a picture, but as was, I was camera-less...and witless to be quite honest. Bees aren't exactly my insect of choice to have in my car when driving at 45+ mph. He was crawling up the window, and then would fall back to the little ledge, and then try to crawl back up. He was probably freaking out as much as I was. There he was, minding his own business Saturday morning flying around my house and I have the nerve to open the car door and take him miles away from home. Miles to a bee can mean spending a lifetime alone, hive-less, like getting stranded in a foreign country. Then, he sees the outside, but can't get to it. He thinks he is making progress but the window is too steep. He probably feared he would die there, so close and yet so far away from the outside, from freedom, like a fly in an Emily Dickinson poem.

I couldn't very well focus on my driving now that I was aware that a bee (whom we shall call Marvin from this point on) was inches from flinging himself to the right, and sticking his stinger in my arm. However, I had compassion on him as he continued to try and climb up the window, and continued to fail. So I slowly started to move the window down. I didn't want to crush Marvin's legs so I would inch the window down when he was high enough. Sometimes he fell because the window was moved down, sometimes because it's what he had been doing. But soon the window was low enough that he was able to secure his little feet around the edge of the window. Let me tell you, little Marvin held on for dear life. I had not thought it possible for a bee to latch on to something the way that little Marvin was holding on to this window, but turns out it is possible, and a little endearing. Kind of reminded me of Benny**, made me miss him a little.

I almost felt bad flicking Marvin out the rest of the way with a piece of paper, almost. At the same time though I was relieved when the paper smacked his butt and he flew off into the city streets. Be free Marvin....be free.


*Ever After
**M.C. do you remember? The hitchhiking little bug that we kept in the yogurt cup and watched him dance from side to side (thus the name Benny for Benny and the Jets)? He rode with us from Michigan to Illinois, where we let him out to hitchhike with other travelers.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Casual Fridays

I'm in HR (Human Resources) so I am used to a barrage of questions when something is announced, changes, or goes haywire. I'm used to 7 guys stopping by my desk in a twenty minute period to inform me that one of the toilets in the men's bathroom won't stop flushing. I'm used to people asking me if I know the deep dark secrets of the company, like when to expect bonuses, what to anticipate at the open enrollment meetings, and where the large Styrofoam cups are stored away.

This week it has been someone else's turn. Someone not even in the department, but because we are sans HR Manager at this point in time there are three of us who are trying to fill the void. With that being said, all e-mails that are to be sent out to the company go through this one particular person, let's call her 'J', for the time being. Earlier this week J sent out an e-mail about the parking lot being cordoned off and received not just a question, but a complaint about it while trying to use the restroom. I'm sorry people, but there is a time and place, a season for all things, and the time/place/season to complain that you can't park in the exact same spot that you always park in is not while you are in the restroom believe it or not. I know...shocker. But I am here to help, kind of like I'm here to inform you that your cleavage isn't a pocket or wallet (sorry if I offend anyone...but really people).

Whoa, I have a bad habit of digression. So today's e-mail was about casual Friday. At the beginning of the year we were on a trial basis, for the first quarter we would be allowed to have casual Fridays and go from there. Seeing as how the first quarter has ended the e-mail was sent out stating that Casual Fridays would be permanent. I read the first line and moved on. All I needed to know was that Fridays were still going to be my favorite day. It had the regular dress code attached (which states that jeans are inappropriate, but that's our regular dress code)

14 minutes later a second e-mail pops into my inbox. It simply says, "I apologize for the confusion - you will be allowed to wear jeans on Fridays for Casual Day."

"Okay." I thought to myself. Then 9 minutes later another e-mail comes, "It will be considered the policy that "Casual Fridays" will enable you to be able to wear jeans and tennis shoes. We are making this a continuation of the Friday - Jeans Day that you have enjoyed over the last quarter."

Translation: You can wear jeans and tennis shoes on Fridays, all Fridays, from this moment on until the policy is changed sometime in the unforeseeable future. This isn't hard people, it's what you have done for the past three months. This isn't something new, it's just now morphing from a temporary condition to a permanent one. If one more person calls or e-mails I will punch their face in."

It's a rough translation, but one nonetheless. So I chuckle to myself and say a little prayer of thanks that no one has bothered to contact HR about the situation and I hit reply on the e-mail and say, "Are you getting a lot of questions about this?" With a smiley face (cause smiley faces are e-mail etiquette so that people know you are smiling in real life). J writes back, "I could hurl myself off of a bridge right now."

Then she starts to tell me the horror stories. From the time she sent the first e-mail to the time she was talking to me she must have receive 30 phone calls and e-mails just "making sure" they could wear jeans on Fridays. One in particular would be my favorite "headache" of the day. One particular gentleman called her up and asked if he could wear tennis shoes on Fridays. She took a deep breath and said, "What did my e-mail say?"
MM* - It said we could, but the first e-mail sounded like we couldn't and I didn't want to come to work with tennis shoes on and get sent home.
J - What did my last e-mail say?
MM - That we could wear tennis shoes and sneakers.
J - So what's the problem?
MM - Nothing, just making sure.

It may not be word for word, I heard it from the source, but like it would be in a story you tell your friends, and then of course I can't remember word for word so things are lost in translation. Kind of flustered my heart a little. Luckily for J she has a half day and is now many blissful miles away.

But another good e-mail came while she was telling me the story. The subject line is "E-mail to clarify the email that was to clarify the casual day policy" and the body of the e-mail is simply, "Since figuring out if you should wear jeans or not is too overwhelming I hereby cancel casual Fridays." It's good to know that there are intelligent, as well as funny, individuals in the office today.

Names have been change to protect the innocent as well as those who are ignorant.
*MM - Mystery Man

The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world!

World Domination is within my grasp. Today 16 followers...tomorrow the world!

*Nervous Cough*...And in the spirit of Easter, the amazing Peep Show. Thanks Money for sending the link and turning this frown upside down.



I mean seriously, the titles with their pop culture references are enough to make my stomach dance with butterflies, but the fact that they are coupled with peeps? Absolute Easter divinity.

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