Operation

Today I had surgery. Did I know this morning when I woke up that I would have surgery? Nope. I guess I should have but I've never been to a specialist doctor before, and I didn't know what to expect. The doctor my insurance company allowed me to go to (because they only allowed me to go to one specialist for this thing) was downtown. If you have ever been with me while downtown you know that I get lost there. I got lost in Idaho Falls for goodness sakes. I'm getting better at it, but probably better if I am walking rather than driving a weighty vehicle that could hurt someone or cause thousands of dollars of damage. I found the parking deck okay (they sent me directions) but at the same time by accident. The directions said to drive a block and a half after taking a right onto the street and that the parking deck would be on the right. I'm not good with city lingo but I have now concluded that "a block and a half" really means take the first and only left before you drive through the main entrance of the hospital. No one said anything about taking a left. But that's what I did and just as I began to panic that I would get lost on the downtown streets of Richmond I looked to my right and saw "Hospital and Visitor Parking" I didn't care whether or not that was the right parking, that was where I was going. I was a visitor.

I get out of my car and walk towards the stairs and follow the directions to the main floor. It thrust me out on the city streets and my directions said nothing about where to go beyond the parking! I couldn't believe they didn't say, "as you come out of the parking deck take a right and loop around the building to our offices." You give me a building name and office number?! Seriously? Luckily I left with plenty of time to find the place, and boy did I need it. So I began my on foot journey and walked towards the Medical School of Pharmacy...I was looking for the Medical School of Dentistry. I followed signs to the Medical School which took me left. I found a map with a red dot signifying I was here and found the building I was looking for, but the map is useless if you have no clue where "here" is! I didn't know if I was to turn around or walk two blocks in the direction I had been going. I figured I would keep going straight, take a left and come back around to where I had been. I took that left, and that left led me to a dead end. Luckily there were some workers standing around, not sure what they were doing but I came across three and saw about five others standing by the doors of the building. I sheepishly told them I had gotten turned around and needed to find the School of Dentistry. The man started to give me directions that backtracked me and the woman interrupted stating there was an easier way (now that I know I'm not quite sure it was, but I guess she did an quick estimate of my capability to get lost and thought turn wise this was the easiest, plus it would keep me around helpful people who could point me in the right direction.) So she's telling me where to go, "take the elevator to the fifth floor." "Take the elevator to the fifth floor," the man who began giving me directions repeats.

Lady: Then you want to follow the signs to the Gateway
Man: Follow the signs to the Gateway
Lady:You want to go past the food court
Man: Past the food court and past the gift shop
Lady: and take the escalator down (but didn't I just go up?)
Man: then take the escalator down
Lady: Take a right and walk up two blocks and it will be on your left
Man: Go through the doors on the right and it's on your left a few blocks up

I'm not even kidding that's seriously what happened and I began to wonder if the man was special needs or if he didn't like things to be taken away from him. He had started giving me directions and dog-gone-it he would finish. Pardon me for saying this if it sounds rude, but I felt like I was in a Baptist church during a prayer. You know, how sometimes people will repeat what the person given the prayer has said? Yeah, it was kind of like that. Nevertheless, I thanked them both graciously and tried to remember the directions. It wasn't hard since I had heard them twice.

I got to the bottom of the escalator though and panicked again, there were two doors, which one?! I saw the information desk and got more directions. I exit the building and start walking in the right direction and as I come up to the building I look over and there a sign says, "Hospital and Visitor Parking". Yes, it is the same deck. I turn around and see the Medical School of Pharmacy, I know that the building I came out of was the same building that held the stairwell to the parking deck, but because the way the parking deck is (a slight bridge takes you to the parking deck) there was no pedestrian exit on this street. The building was right across the street from the parking deck entrance. Well, at least I burned calories taking the long way right?

I go into the School of Dentistry and it must be a break or something because there are tons of dental students hanging out by the doors. Self-conscious as ever I hurry up the escalator to the second floor and to another information desk where I try to make sure I've come to the right place. She directs me to the appropriate office and I go sign on.

They take me back to a waiting room and they come and take a look (by the way I had this thing on my lower lip, had it for years and the dentist has been telling me for a few years to get it removed). My blood pressure is taken (which is infinitely more painful than I remember, I had that stupid pressure cuff). Then they have talk of a laser. The woman/student (I think she was a student with the way she kept asking questions) brings this puppy in.

I call him Irwin, I don't know what my doctor calls him, but he patted him and said that, "a clean laser is a happy laser" and the woman mentioned it was a new toy. I couldn't help but keep looking at Irwin. Small and lightweight and yet I was totally scared of him. Then the lady says they are just calling up my insurance to make sure everything is good to go. "Everything is a go," I repeated slowly in my mind. Holy crap you're going to do it today? I hadn't had any time to prepare, to be nervous, nothing! They were just going to do it today! I felt a lot like this guy.

I honestly don't know what would have been worse, my imagination with what could go wrong with my very first laser surgery or what could go wrong with the old fashion way. I decided that 15 seconds with a laser would be better, but what if my head jerked to the side when the laser was on? Would I be permanently disfigured? The dentist/doctor person leaves for a moment and I am giving a consent form listing all the things that could go wrong. Nasal passage? Profuse bleeding? Permanent numbness? With a shaky hand I put my initials next to each possible future. I contemplated writing in my dad's cell phone number because the number they had in case of emergency was my parent's home phone, they weren't home! It would be hours before they could come and get me and I would be withering in pain alone! Or worse, dead! I didn't want to give consent to release them from responsibility for some of these things, but what choice did I have?

Finally a student dentist comes in. I don't know if it was the scrubs are the dark hair but I found him attractive. I want to state for the record that I have never before found anyone who was privy to what the inside of my mouth looks like attractive. I have always had older, married dentist, and no one else has ever been allowed to look, poke, or prod inside my mouth. Suddenly everything was a little humiliating and I don't know if it was because I found him attractive or if it was because these were strangers. I didn't know them and they don't know me. So Dr. Cutie has been given the assignment of being the one I'm going to hate. He gets to stick a needle into my lip.

Now, I have never actually seen the needle in real life and this is the first time I've looked at a picture of one. I've made it my dental practice to close my eyes before I can even get a glimpse of it, and that's exactly what I did today. I knew it would take two shots but I was expecting to not feel the second one...but boy did I ever. I think it was worse than the first. The lady patted my arm while I dug my fingernails into my flesh. After the first shot Dr. Cutie rubbed his thumb in my chin, that was slightly awkward, but I knew it's what he learned to do. After the shots the lady smiles and says, "That was the worst part." I said, "I know," but in my mind I was thinking, "unless something goes terribly wrong with the laser."

Then they left me to get numb and I kept thinking of all the horrible things that could happen. I never in my life have thought or worried about it quite so much. What if I died? I began to notice the dirt smudges on the cabinet and how dirty part of the floor was. I sat there and tried to remember the names of the three individuals that had just helped me but I was so preoccupied with the fact that they were going to "operate" that I couldn't remember! So the regular oral surgeon walks in and so does the lady and then they call Dr. Cutie in. Now I think Dr. Cutie is attractive, but he's my age! I don't want him pointing a laser at my face!

The O.S. is getting everything ready and he's talking Dr. Cutie through it (have I not actually mentioned that I'm at a learning hospital? Yeah, thanks a lot insurance options!) I'm trying not to let that bother me because he's got to learn somehow and I'm sure he wouldn't be at this stage in his education if he was a moron who would slip up. The O.S. is talking and says, "I'm going to need you to pull down this side of the lip." Well Dr. Cutie doesn't do anything so I wonder if he is talking to me, so I begin to bring my hand up and the O.S. starts laughing and says, "Not you," I give him a gauze filled smile back and act like I knew. Then I know they are getting the laser ready to go so I close my eyes. There's nothing worse than hearing the doctor talk through the person who has a laser pointed at your face. Or worse to hear the two students say, "oh yeah, that red light really helps!" As though they have never even seen the laser turned on before!

Since my eyes were closed the only way I actually knew they were working with the laser was the repugnant smell. Either the laser smells that bad or I officially know what burning flesh smells like. When it was done the O.S. said, "All done with you major surgery," and we all laughed like we were friends kicking it on the porch. Then I was warned against spicy and acidic food for the next couple of days and that was it. Just walk out, get your ticket validated and head on back to normal life.

So with a numbed lip that makes me feel like a moron while I talk I got my ticket validated and came back to work, two hours after I had left, and one hour after I had entered the dental building. Amazing how quickly it was all done and over with. I didn't even have to use a full hour of PTO (paid time off). Go me!